@dancinbutterfly
i don't use the term lowbrow in a derogatory way. i mean it in precisely the way you say - because it's devalued, expectations are low. that doesn't reflect its quality, just its social status. but that still helps me not feel like i have to revise and polish and fret. "it's just for fun," so the stakes are low. and i know that it doesn't really matter what others think. i KNOW that. and i know that plenty of shitty writers have been successful and written bestsellers. it doesn't change how i feel about my work. i have struggled with depression, shame, and disordered thinking for so long, and I've gone to all the therapy and done all the work - and yet. i can see it when it's happening, i know what it is, i can reason with myself, but it doesn't change the feeling of paralysis that comes from "knowing" I'm not good enough. feeling it in the core of my being. i have excelled at every intellectual and creative endeavor I've attempted, but it all means nothing to me. I've read all about imposter syndrome, and I still feel that I'm the one exception, that i actually did fool everyone into thinking I'm worth their time. I've had my work published in top tier international academic journals. i have a master's degree from NYU. and now a doctorate. I've had several professors and peers go out of their way to tell me how important my work is, how clear and concise my prose, how original my ideas. and i decided to quit academia bc it's just too much pressure. i will never be good enough for myself.
i don't mean any of this to sound dismissive. i understand what you're saying, and i appreciate it. i just can't seem to make it work. it's like, however smart and capable i may be, the part of me that hates me and wants me to fail is just as smart but more confident. and it keeps winning.
