secret santa 2k17: jack & julius
secret santa for @life-successfully-bet
i really do hope that you like this, chase, for i’ve struggled and tried and i want to do a relationship such as jack and julius justice, so please know i’ve done my best despite having trouble doing so... please try to enjoy it.
title: while dying you bloom and i crumble
word count: 2938
tw: drowning, vomiting
“i swear to god, jack, i will actually hurt you.”
julius waves jack’s — childhood friend, adopted brother, a pain in his ass — hands away from him when they continue on tickling him where he lies in the grass of michigan one late august afternoon. hidden from the rest of their family, they’ve settled themselves near a shore behind bushes and greenery, and while julius thought that they could get some peace and quiet, he was proved wrong as soon as boredom creeped itself into jack’s veins, feeding on his blood until there was nothing pumping through him but tiny bugs that only irritate... and since julius has read approximately two pages since lying down about half an hour ago, the bugs have been moved from jack’s fingertips onto him, tearing his eyes away from the written letters. squirming against the grass, he kicks his feet at jack’s shins, his knees, his thighs.
“come on, julie, at least say something!”
julius looks up at him over the edge of his book. with a deep breath, he reads a long and terribly monotone passage from page thirty-seven, but doesn’t get past “and so the governor nodded, and sent the peasant to sew a cloak for him with the rags from his children’s winter clothes” before he gets shoved again and is asked to stop. jack’s voice is low and miserable, making the corners of julius’ rosen mouth twitch.
“you’re killing me, julius.”
julius rubs his eyes and sits up, cold grass clinging to the cream-colored threads of his shirt. jack remains crouched, but julius would be blind if he did not see how badly he wants to either run around or to just crawl out of his skin. he almost pities him. almost. after about fourteen years of knowing him, he’s started prioritizing what he wants to do in front of jack’s childish games. (jack really is childish but julius loves him a lot nonetheless, and playing tag at the age of twenty-three is only fun the first time when you have other things you’d rather do.)
but his love doesn’t stop the big-brother-frustration he feels when jack doesn’t give him an answer when he asks him what he wants to do. a shrug is all he gets, so julius picks a poppy and puts it between the pages of the book before he stands and brushes off his pants. jack is watching him curiously, the blue in his eyes shifting over the white.
julius raises his hands. “best of three.” jack lights up like a thousand suns. his hands fly up and he bends his knees as soon as he’s standing. the childish excitement that julius knows so well blossoms within him and julius can feel the warmth radiating off of him, making his own body red and like it’s been breathed into on a cold day.
their fights are never meant to harm, but both of them usually wake up with bruises from the wrestle matches they share, whether it be in their room, in their garden (much to their older brother’s dismay — bo spends hours caring for his petunias and roses), during the games they play with the youngins in the forest behind their house or just in private like this. the time that jack accidentally punched him in the face is forgiven and forgotten, but the bruise hadn’t faded for multiple days, and from then on the matches got a lot more gentle. it’s less fun, but it’s what they were forced to agree on when elijah spent his afternoon scolding them in the kitchen, their heads hanging low, hands clasped together.
julius quite enjoys rolling around on the grass, even if the weight of jack is usually on top of him. they’re about the same height and weight, but julius spends his days reading or sewing, while jack spends them chopping wood or being active. the boy can’t sit still to save his life, and it shows in the matches that usually end in 3-0 or 2-1, if julius’ lucky. but goddamn if julius does not put up a good fight. he slithers around like a snake and lifts himself out of jack’s grip, exhausting him, wearing him out.
but julius wants to win now so jack can snore by the shore for a while and so that julius can finish at least one chapter before bo or elijah calls for them to come back to them so that they can go home. they’re just on the other side of the trees, fishing, and the little ones are dipping their feet. julius can hear the splashing of water when he springs forwards and knocks jack to the ground by wrapping his arms around his waist and putting his whole weight onto him. jack falls back with an ‘oof’, and julius scrambles to take a hold of his wrists to hold him down, but jack is too fast.
jack rolls them over and julius’ shoulder hits the grass, and he tries his hardest in keeping him at a distance, because the moment he gets a good grip on him he’s already lost. he places his feet on jack’s thighs and pushes himself further away, hands on jack’s shoulders, but jack just bends his arms and takes him by the elbows, pinning him down into the grass. julius’ cheek turns lilac with crushed lupine.
hands run over the fabric of his pants, brushing grass and dirt away. julius’ pouting and jack’s panting — something that julius is quite happy about is that it at least shows that jack has some sort of struggle when it comes to him. julius raises his arms again, legs bending, jaw clenching. this time, jack’s the first to rush forwards and julius steps aside and twists, shoving jack’s side far away from him. he stumbles and falls like a minnow on land, and julius laughs happily when jack scrambles to his feet and reaches for julius’ clothes. he continues laughing even when jack rolls them over and holds him down against the ground again, julius’ chest getting rubbed against the green floor. his skin tingles all over. summertime wakes the butterflies in his tummy.
jack helps him by holding onto his hands. his fingers are warm and soft, although his skin is starting to go red from exhaustion. julius wipes dirt from jack’s palms, fingertips following the curves. he kisses his bruised knuckles before stepping back.
“one more,” he says, biting his tongue. his cheeks are rosy, and so are his brother’s.
jack nods, rolling his hands, stretching his wrists. “i’m going easy on you.”
julius rolls his eyes. “don’t.”
jack looks like he’s holding back a smile when the sun breaks through the greenery of the maple trees, showering their chests and shoulders in golden rain. just like when the sun shines through the lace of their curtains in their bedroom, the air feels lukewarm, and the season is at its prime.
their bodies wrap around one another and their laughter and screams echo between the trees and over the lake, calling back to them with just as much glee. jack and julius push and pull on each other until julius has shoved him into the water, jack’s hands and feet waving around.
julius is panting and giggling as he watches jack twist around in the water, trying his hardest to get out of the coldness as soon as possible. his hands rise in victory, for this is the first time that he’s won in the last few months (except that time when jack had a broken arm, but julius unwillingly agreed that it didn’t count). he stands on his tiptoes and lets out a victory howl, back on the flat of his feet when his shins start to strain. he grins at jack’s head that still is just barely peeking out from under the water, creating ripples that widen and stretch across the murkiness.
julius’ smile falls when jack drifts further out into the lake. he puts his hands on his hips.
“hurry up already. if you want we can go all or nothing.” but jack doesn’t move. julius swallows thickly when he steps out into the water, arms raised to keep himself from falling into the stream. “jack, come on.”
jack’s body floats further out. “jack?”
julius tries reaching for him, but the stream’s too hard for him to get into without stumbling. the wet fabric of jack’s shirt slips right out of his fingers. breathing hurts him. moving tears at his skin. is this what horror feels like?
“jack!”
as soon as he’s seen his head dip underneath the water julius turns around and hurries back to the shore, setting off down the edge of the lake. for every second he has to keep himself from falling by tearing his eyes away, the hairs on his arms only raise more, and more sweat covers his already wet back.
julius turns when he hears his name. it’s bo and eli on the shore, watching him, confused. “where’s jack?”
“he’s in the lake!” julius screams, climbing over a set of rocks that end right in the deepest part of the lake. julius recalls the summers they spent there, jack and he, daring each other to jump. both of them did it with their hearts in their throats, but the absolute pride in their eyes afterwards made the temporary fear worth it. later they had ran on back to their bikes, dripping wet, zooming home to tell the others. grass had clung to their naked feet, and they had turned red from the rough pedals, but the memory they had just created was an important one — they knew that even back then. julius does not fear jumping from it now, but there’s no time now, for jack’s lifeless body has already drifted past it. julius continues further. “he’s going to drown!”
bo and elijah set off after him immediately, and julius turns back to focus on his sprinting. he scrapes his ankles and toenails against rocks and thorns but he continues on, the guilt of killing him and the love of a brother keeping his adrenaline levels up far above his head. he flies over the roots of maple trees and steps right into strawberry bushes, his skin now lined in red. whether it’s blood or juice, he does not have time to contemplate.
he stops at the edge of the twenty-three foot drop, where elijah can catch up to him. julius looks wildly around, trying to spot anything even remotely similar to a brown head of hair or a freckled cheek. elijah is the one that spots him, floating right along the wall of rock beneath them. julius jumps in without even thinking about it, shooting down into the water so far he feels dizzy, and for a moment he doesn’t know which way is up. he can’t move for a good five seconds, body frozen in shock from the sudden temperature change... the water’s so cold his cheeks feel frostbitten. this summer’s been unusually cold. looking around, he spots the muted sun through the navy room, eclipsed by a body whose skin looks completely translucent. julius immediately aims for it and takes it by the armpits. jack’s hair reminds him of a meadow of tall grass on a windy day when he lifts him, swaying in the water, looking so alive. hope makes him continue, and he tries his hardest to not think about how he can’t feel a pulse when he puts his arm around his chest.
julius inhales sharpl when he’s pulled them both back into the air. jack immediately turns a lot heavier and it causes julius to get shoved underneath the surface, making him drag in a breath, and he recoils into himself when he feels the need to cough. if he was in the air he’d tear up. the lake hides his misery and he’s both grateful and terrified. they drift along the wall, and there’s two pairs of hands that reach out for jack when julius’ shoulder drags along the roughness of land. julius hangs onto his waist for dear life, trying his very, very hardest to not drag in a breath until he can feel himself get pulled away from him.
he sees black in the corners of his eyes when his limp legs get rubbed against the shore. julius’ eyes roll around in his head and he gets shoved into a sitting position, a firm hand dunking his back. he coughs automatically, and the water that filled his lungs drips down his chin together with a convulsion. he starts shaking. his bones vibrate inside of his thighs.
he hears, in the distance, panicked voices. no words; just voices. maybe he hears some crying, too. if it’s the little ones he only feels guiltier. if they have to witness the death of a brother because of him he’ll throw himself back into the lake. it’s decided. he puts his dizzy head inside of his palms.
“come on,” bo says, his voice drowned out. his hands are pressed together on top of jack’s chest, pushing hard. when he stops he pinches his nose and puts his mouth to his, blowing until his lungs fill. then he returns to the pushing. “we didn’t come here for you to die, jack.”
as julius is too scared to look — as well as unable to — he presses his fingertips hard against his eyelids until he sees colors shift in the darkness. somewhere in the underwater silence he thinks he can hear one of the little ones screaming and begging, trying their hardest to do what they can. julius leans so far forwards his lower back strains. jack has died. water must be filling his lungs to the brim.
this happened once, when jack had just arrived into their family. they had tried to bond over swimming, and jack had slipped on the ground and hit his head on a rock or something of the sort. thankfully elijah had been there, only fourteen years old at the time, and he had pulled him out before water had completely replaced the air inside his body. jack had been trembling in bed for a proper two days afterwards, eating nothing but soup and apricots, but right after he had been back playing, laughing, shining like a sun. if it had been julius he would’ve avoided water like the plague. but not jack. no, jack is brave and doesn’t let the past stop him from doing what he wants to do, which in this case is swimming and enjoying the late summer weather…
… but now julius has killed him, and he finds himself weeping into his palms as bo slowly loses hope behind him, continuing his pushing and blowing even though the water inside of jack is behaving like it’s frozen cold. julius has killed a part of his family — a part that he had managed to get attached to even though they aren’t connected by blood. it had been something deep without being forced upon them. julius had considered him a brother. jack is his brother. his brother has died, his brother has died, his brother his brother his brotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrotherhisbrother——
julius startles when there’s a hand on his shoulder, whipping his head around to look at it’s owner with red-rimmed eyes. it’s elijah, full of worry but always so gentle nonetheless, and he strokes his hand over julius’ dripping hair. the hand continues down his back until it’s resting between his shoulder blades. julius snivels and dries his cheeks with his wrists.
“you okay?” eli wonders and sits close to him, arm around his shoulder. julius falls into him immediately, shutting out the sound of crying inside his neck. elijah places a large hand over his ear, muting everything, protecting him from the knowledge that he’s a murderer.
“is he dead yet?” he croaks. elijah puts his other arm around him. all he does is shush him.
bo continues on trying for another five minutes, so when jack suddenly jolts back to life everyone but he has already given up. water is vomited out onto the ground and he sits up like he’s been awoken from a nightmare. he stares wildly around himself and when the little ones throw themselves around him they get pulled back to give him space to breathe. bo supports him while he looks ready to pass out. the sun reflects off of the water that slowly is drying on his neck and arms.
julius looks at him dumbfounded, jaw slack, eyes wide until his face twists and he cries like the child he hasn’t realized that he still is on the inside, staggering over to him with the help of elijah’s hands around his arm. he wraps himself around him, legs around his waist and arms around his neck, hand in the back of jack’s saltwater locks. jack just sits there, trying to come back to reality, with julius chanting “i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i love you, i love you, i love you” into his cheek.
but, finally, jack leans back and looks at him, eyes glazed with something julius doesn’t recognize. awe? surprise? wonder? julius sits with his hands on jack’s shoulders, hiccuping with sobs while he looks at him.
“you won’t believe this,” jack says, looking out into nothing, “but i just experienced the strangest thing.”
