Hold on
So .. my dear friend @danissnotonfiree tagged me in a challenge. And while I’m a lazy idiot who won’t tag other people I do have decided to make you a little gift. Also it’s phanweek! so here we go. I take no responsibility for this, it’s a jumbled mess, not beta’ed or anything.
Pairing: Dan/Phil Warnings: none really, except a hint of Angst? Length: 1,122
Phil reflects on some of the 2012 times. (belated phanweek Day 7)
Phil had known from the beginning of course. From the moment that lanky, awkward teenager stepped off that train in Manchester, actually probably even before that, through pixelated video calls on Skype, he had known that Dan Howell was greater than everybody else.
And how right he had been.
They were on the way back from the US, the temporary ending point for their tour and Dan was sitting next to him on the airplane, fast asleep with the musical still playing in his headphones.
It gave Phil the chance to look. He looked younger when he was asleep, the tension brought on by weeks of touring, not enough sleep and constantly having to worry about what the public might see, wiped away. He was so beautiful. Always had been.
When he was still a teenager, insecure and full of self doubt, quick to blame himself for anything that went wrong. Sitting in Phils Bedroom in his parents house, unbelieving that there was nothing better for Phil than to spend time with him. When they were looking over Manchester, drinking cocktails in the skybar, the setting sun reflecting in his eyes. Phil had never been happier.
When he moved to Manchester, long nights spend in Phil’s apartment, only the light from the tv illuminating his features.
Even when he found him on the kitchen floor of their first shared flat, tears streaming down his face as he called himself a failure. He had always been beautiful to Phil. But he was so much more than that.
He remembered the first time he realised that he’d do anything to hold onto this. The first morning in their apartment in Manchester, waking up to Dan’s long limbs wrapped around him. The few months shared there were the calm before the storm. He hadn’t known at the time that the months after that would be spend apart, Dan’s insecurities swallowing him whole as he struggled to breathe. The pain was still real, every denial of them still a scar they carried around with them.
Phil wasn’t sure just how they had done it. What it was that kept them going. He supposed that was what love felt like. Spending entire nights up, worrying because the other person hadn’t said anything in days. Crawling into their bed and holding them as they screamed, trying to make the world seem like a less cruel place. It would have been easy to blame their audience. To blame the voiceless comments, the ones pointing fingers at them. But he knew it wasn’t that easy. He knew it wasn’t fair to point back, when they had gotten them to where they were. But how he sometimes wished he could. He wished for a lot of things back then. Wished he could make Dan see. See that he was more than what people thought of him.
See all that talent, the creativity that was hidden behind walls of self-taught insecurities. “I’m not that good.” he would say. “I have no idea what I’m doing here.” while he spend hours and days making sure things were perfect. “I have no idea why you would want to subscribe to me.” he joked, while the numbers climbed up, more and more people seeing what Phil had seen from the beginning.
He remembered trips home, the saddened glances his mum would give him when she thought he couldn’t see her. The worried looks his father send after him when came over alone once more.
“His knows this is his home too, doesn’t he?” His mum once had said. “If only he remembered what home meant.” It was all Phil could say to that topic. He knew there was no way to make him see. He had to come out of the dark by himself and all he could do was try and guide him back to the light.
He wasn’t even sure when it had changed. If he thought about it for longer it was probably after their move to London, on one of the rare occasions when they had joined friends on a night out. “Do you have a boyfriend?” Somebody had asked and as Phil struggled to answer Dan had stepped in, a possessive arm around his waist and a clear “Yes he does.” on his lips.
He had remained quiet for longer after that, only stolen glances indicating anything different over the next few days.
“What happened to us?” He asked one day, staring at Phil as if he was the solution to life’s mystery. Maybe he had been to some extent for Dan. “You didn’t know how to answer that guys question anymore…When did we… When did we loose us?” He had sounded so small, a child that had suddenly discovered a terrifying truth.
He knew what would have been the right answer. To turn away, say that they had lost themselves a long time ago. But he couldn’t. He could never turn his back on him.
“I lost you.” He replied instead, hesitantly extending his hand towards him. And for the first time in months, Dan took it.
Years later Dan had asked him why he had done it. Why Phil hadn’t left long before that, where he had gotten the strength from to hold on when he himself had tried to burn down all the bridges. He wasn’t sure. He blamed it on Love. On the hope that one day the boy he had once met would come back to him and see.
It was a hard way back for them. Even if they wanted to they couldn’t have changed over night, turning back the time. Slowly piece by piece though they found themselves again. And more than that. They had grown up. At the end… they were both stronger.
Looking at Dan made Phil realise just how much had changed. He had always been proud of Dan, from the very first moment on, but seeing him on Stage, seeing him in his element, laughing as the crowd cheered them on. Smiling widely as they got told just how many lives they had changed. If he was only allowed to keep one memory of Dan it was this. Tears of Happiness in his eyes as the curtain fell of their last show and a shaky grin on his face that meant so much more than just a simple smile. “We did it.” He had murmured unbelievingly. “I… I was on Stage of the Palladium in London and they… they liked it Phil.” Phil had always known that Dan was greater than everybody else. He changed his life with a smile on a train platform six years ago. And now he changed it again by realising that himself.