#danzig2016

[jduganbarrett]

Danzig - Foreign Policy

Presented below is the official policy statement from the Glenn Danzig Presidential Campaign on Foreign Policy.

From ISIS, to growing tensions in Southeast Asia, to increased hostility in South Asia, to border disputes in Eastern Europe, and even beyond, there is no question that we live in a violent world. It has to be a top priority for any serious presidential candidate to protect the lives and welfare of the citizens of the United States, and the world at large.

As president, I will pursue diplomatic solutions until all options have been explored and utilized. Only when there is no recourse left, will I turn to war. But make no mistake! If a foreign power threatens the lives and security of my citizens, I will collect their skulls and put them on my wall.

It is important for us to continue to nurture good diplomatic relations across the entire world. But leaders who want to bang heads with me will soon be shown what it’s like.

In summation, I vow to keep Americans safe. So come on to the violent world with me.

Glenn Danzig

[jduganbarrett]

Danzig - Government Surveillance

Presented below is the official policy statement from the Glenn Danzig Presidential Campaign on Government Surveillance.

For far too long, domestic intelligence agencies have skirted the laws of this nation, not to mention the abuse of citizen’s trust in government. These agencies have ignored Americans’ constitutionally guaranteed right to privacy. It is time for these agencies to be held accountable.

My plan may seem radical, but I assure you that I have the nation’s best interests at heart. If elected, I will force the CIA to stop all domestic surveillance, and disband the NSA outright. I will perform all necessary domestic surveillance personally with the twenty eyes in my head.

These twenty eyes crowd up my human face, certainly. But, I say putting the power of two agencies in the hand of one man will cut down on wasteful spending. Additionally, as an elected official, I will hold a greater level of accountability to the American people.

When you’re seeing twenty things at a time, you just can’t slow things down. But this is a sacrifice that the office of the President would force me to make. For myself, and for the American people.

Glenn Danzig

(I will also be listening with my ears. I have fewer than twenty though.)

[jduganbarrett]

Danzig - The US Space Program

Presented below is the official policy statement from the Glenn Danzig Presidential Campaign on the US Space Program.

As a child in the 1960s, Outer Space held a firm grip on my imagination. It also had a firm grip on my reality when I briefly turned in to a martian. It is of the utmost importance that the United States give high priority to further space exploration. Many things scientific discoveries have been made in the far reaches of our solar system that have unknown impact for life on earth.

I remember a generation of people whose dreams were inspired by seeing Neil Armstrong take those first steps on the moon. By directing more funds to NASA, we will make a strong statement to future generations that science can be glamorous.

We also need to combat the growing apathy among teenagers from Mars, who are rapidly turning to Martian extremism.

Glenn Danzig

[jduganbarrett]

Danzig - School Meal Program

Presented below is the official policy statement from the Glenn Danzig Presidential Campaign on the School Meal Program.

I have a great deal of respect for the Obama administration. Particularly, I believe we as a nation should commend Michelle Obama for her tireless efforts to effect meaningful change in the obesity epidemic. In that tradition, I intend to put forth an agenda that makes fighting childhood obesity a top priority by implementing a huge overhaul of the school lunch program.

Below is a sample menu:

“Brains at every single meal? Why can’t we have some guts?” the children will inevitably ask you. But the research is in. What children’s bodies need are brains. Brains are not just part of a well balanced diet, they ARE a well balanced diet. Growing bodies and inquisitive minds need the nutrition that can only be provided by a fully brain-based diet.

“Brains are all we ever get at this rotten fucking place,” the children will say, with the profanity typical of a brain-deficient nutritional program. “Why can’t we have a change of pace?” For those of us who are capable of fully understanding the ramifications of a poor diet, you absolutely have the freedom to eat guts. That is your prerogative. But we have a responsibility to our children to encourage healthy eating habits early.

Glenn Danzig

[jduganbarrett]

Danzig - Paid Family Leave

Presented below is the official policy statement from the Glenn Danzig Presidential Campaign on Mandatory Paid Family Leave.

Mothers, tell your children you’ll have 6 weeks home with them, with pay! Tell your children they’ll have time to develop important social skills, like understanding words. What they mean. What they say.

Fathers, you will no longer have to keep them in the dark for the first six weeks of life! That’s right, under my plan, after the birth of a child, companies will be federally mandated to provide 6 paid weeks of family leave to both parents.

Scientific research continues to indicate that the very earliest days of childhood are of critical importance to development. How can we, as a nation, claim to promote family values without making it not just easy, but automatic for parents to spend up to a combined 3 months hiding them from the waiting world?

It is time for the United States to catch up to the rest of the developed world. If we want to bang heads with them, we must support strong parental bonds with children early in their development. If we fail to meet this basic standard, I assure you that you will all find hell without me.

Glenn Danzig

[jduganbarrett]

Danzig 2016

My fellow Americans, I will not mince words. I, Glenn Danzig, of Lodi, NJ intend to seek the office of the President of the United States. It is no secret that in these times, we are living in a violent world, and I believe I think you should all come on through the violent world with me.

Many disparaging remarks have been made about me. Some claim that my prime directive is to exterminate the whole human race. Still others claim that I am "a goddamn son of a bitch." I assure you, friends, these accusations are categorically untrue. My only prime directive is to use the 20 eyes in my head to develop a stronger vision for the future. And again, I assure you, I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch.

What I, Glenn Danzig, offer you as president, is a tough stance on foreign relations. The skulls of our enemies will be collected and put on my wall! I will also the legacy of the late President Kennedy by officially chastising the state of Texas, which, as we all know, is the reason he is dead. Finally, I intend to show you all what Hell is like until you're bleeding.

So, my fellow Americans, in return for seeing your light, please vote for me, Glenn Danzig, for President of the United States. Walk my way, and let's go where eagles dare!

- Glenn Danzig, September 16, 2013