#darienwrites

[mycommadearest]

Pressing our lips like flower petals,

We are gentle and fragile and fleeting

the fear of being known sits between us

Wondering if one can be truly seen

and still treasured

[mycommadearest]

I have been queasy for fourteen days. It starts in the pit of me- this sense of doom and worry. I can't function day to day, spend my whole life stressed (did I feed the cat, did I feed myself, you have so much to do and so little time to do it and you can't even bathe, you don't have a schedule- your face is breaking out. everything is all or nothing. You either win or you fail.) I miss when you looked at me like I was good enough.

[mycommadearest]

in my head I craft you lovingly "he will be kind, with lots of stories to tell" it's taking a while but Momma said to be patient and this time apart- I use to imagine you the arch of your brow, the warmth in your eyes I know you won't be just the way I see you That's the best part I think- that you could be so very different from how I picture - that I will love you as you are.

[mycommadearest]

it doesn’t matter that he looks like a prince when he kisses you and the birds sing remember that you could call out your window all night and he will never come he’ll never know how you get choked by your own words that he makes you doubt your own worth it is your ball and he is dancing with someone else your curls are falling, your lip is wobbling you climb back up the staircase and he doesn’t even look back. 

its time to put your crown back on you don’t need him you are a princess in your own right

[mycommadearest]

It aches every time. I wonder when that swell of sorrow will rise, surely with time only dwelling on it will I feel so heavy. But it is instant each and every time. Some times, just hearing your voice is enough, some times it's not until you're right in front of me. That's the worst, when I delude myself into thinkin I was prepared for something that is inevitable. Maybe one day I'll out grow it. But it's easy to imagine that I'll still feel this way down the road. When have both grown old- just not together. At our weddings, will I let my eyes linger? We'll have kids, will we ever live close enough again- will they play and learn and grow together? I think we will have drifted apart by then. Maybe I'll see you when I'm prim and put together at forty. Maybe you'll be who I'm describing when I make up stories for my grandchildren. "He's a handsome man." I'll reassure them. "He'd look like a prince, if it weren't for the length of his hair and the glint of trouble in his eyes." Maybe once more, when we're old. I'd doubt that you got my letters. You're not a big reader, even less of a writer. You don't reply but you visit. Even then, it will hit me like lightning. I've always attempted to be in control- of who I am and how people see me. I often have failed, in regards to you especially. Around you, it feels like my heart gets broadcast across my face. It won't be the first time the thought of you will make me cry.

[mycommadearest]

i kissed you on new year's almost a year ago you tasted like hope you tasted like you were already gone your lips on mine felt like the world was cracking open and swallowing me whole so I clung on- unsure, and your hand in my hair, your wavering gaze did nothing to douse the flames in my heart, nothing to calm the fear bubbling up inside of me. there isn't anyone to blame you held me and I was happy you reached out and I pulled away that sort of sinking feeling you get when you've realized the difference between your dreams and your life settled in so quickly even the brightest flames have to die out

-ds

[mycommadearest]

James/Lily house shopping pls and thank

“Be serious Lily.” “It’s got character.” She insists, looking at the front of the little London town house they’ve just left. There’s a softness to the way that he looks back at her- he can’t help be fond.

“Lils- I could buy you a mansion if you wanted. You know that right?” He doesn’t really say it in a way that’s meant to be bragging but she rolls her eyes and shoves him away from her lightly.

“I don’t want a mansion Potter.” She tells him, brushing her bangs out of the way before he takes her hand. 

“What do you want then- Potter.” He beams, his walk a little more like a strut and she laughs, curling her fingers between his and letting him saddle up a little closer. They walk in silence for a block or so, feet navigating streets that shouldn’t already seem so familiar. 

“I want a home.” She says softly while they’re waiting for a street light to change. He looks both ways and drags her along with him, jay walking with the sort of confidence that she mirrors back tenfold. She doesn’t check for herself, just follows. Her ring is bright, glinting on her finger and he pulls her hand up once they’re safe on the other side, kisses her knuckles.

It’s just them now, two orphans side by side- and the desperate longing for a place to call home has them out almost everyday on the wet streets. “If you don’t like this next place, we can go back.” “You’re not gonna try and fix everything in that house by hand are you? I want hot water that actually works James.” Her sly look up at him stops the pout before it can fully cross his face. She knows him too well, could already picture him imagining himself as some sort of handyman trying to fix every little thing himself. He’s brilliant, she doesn’t doubt that- and he’s always been handy, a tinkerer, but there are somethings that require a bit of training.

They do end up North London, to James’ chagrin. “It’s a little posh- isn’t it?”

She doesn’t bother to bite her tongue. “I dunno James… it’s no mansion- but it will do.” Her remark is as sharp as the sounds the sheets make when she snaps them unfolded and starts to make the bed, and her laugh is as ruffled as they become when he tackles her to the bed and presses a thousand kisses to her face.

[mycommadearest]

i remind myself to be patient. i'm still not sure what it is i'm waiting for- whether it's a sunday afternoon that doesn't dissolve into tears, or a high that lasts- but i grit my teeth and i bear the waiting. i try and show the world that i can be noble too