#dark tangent

[drinkdoraemon]

Defcon 32

“Great. More political bullsh*t. She probably doesn’t know what a shell is.” That was the dismissive comment I overheard from a guy sitting next to me during the Fireside Chat at Defcon. The session featured Anne Neuberger, the National Security Council’s advisor for Cyber and Emerging Technologies. Despite her impressive background—spanning computer programming and system analysis—this guy’s…

Defcon 32

[nullum-esse-librum-tam-malum]

I don’t know anything anymore. 

I knew that I would not be happy per sé when I “got hold of” a job. This isn’t even a real job. The money I get from the work employment agency is 700% less than what I would get from this job if I was actually employed where I currently am. 700%. Seven weeks and I work (maybe inefficiently) just to get an opportunity, (which I am leaning more and more against not continuing on) and a license to handle forklifts. 

I am however getting away from what I want to write. 

As I said, I don’t know anything anymore. Is there something missing? Am I missing something out of the picture? If I don’t find work, I cannot continue my studies. Officially, at least. Whatever I do... I seem to flail. Am I missing some sort of drive? A conviction? 

I will not find people, or love if I just stay put. Nothing will happen. As seen in the last three years. But I cannot even manage and handle things if they make me so god damn unhappy. 

I almost wanted to go catatonic this morning. 

I have not found my place it seems. 

I don’t know if I ever will. 

This is hell. There is not much point in anything. 

I have none to care for except myself. And that isn’t working. 

Failure.