TO THE GIRL WHO SAW GOOD.
I think you saw it first. The darkness settling in behind the blue eyes. Protons and electrons charging around me. You noticed the line that formed along my jaw. I’m not sure when I was never the same again, when I was never coming back, but you saw it first.
Did you see what prowled underneath when you said you liked my boots? I had no idea I was so desperate for a friend until you shook me out of my constant state of drifting. You had pulled me out. And although everyone said you were bad, I didn’t see the same evil that was in me in you.
You were harmless. But you were stunning. You made me feel that feeling you feel when you don’t even know what the fuck you’re feeling anymore. Every time you offered me a cigarette or a shity beer, my stomach would flip, my chest would pound and my mind would clear. Because I was there with you. When no one else showed up for me, I counted on you for a sick joke, or radical suggestion or smooth pick up line. Nothing in my life meant as much to me, as you do.
But now you’re gone. I’d never been so scared of losing something in my entire life. Forever and permanently.
I missed your laugh and how it was always chased by the wickedest smirk. I missed the sound of your boots as you jumped from bleacher to bleacher without a care of how loud you were. I missed the way you cared for me and pushed me to the edge of uncomfortableness when you showed me any remote sign of tenderness.
I missed the opportunity to keep you safe. I forgot to keep the promise I swore to you. I failed to kill the bastard who took you from us.
I’ve changed. No matter how many times you call me Nightmare. Or Darkside. It’s in my eyes as I avoid looking at you. It’s in the touch you try to find when I pull away from your hand. And it’s in the tone of my voice when I promise you again that I won’t let that murdering bastard breathe another breath.
I want you to know, but I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to bring the monster within out into the light. It’s safer that it stays hidden. Safer that you don’t know and we don’t acknowledge it.
No one made me this way. I made me this way. Turned the pain into power. I told myself to endure and survive. And I have. Somehow I always do.