#darlingtontask

[missjessicadixon]

Autumn Changes | Self Para

September 14th, 2014

Three weeks.

It had been three weeks since Jessica had last had her period. Usually, if she was late she would shrug it off and think nothing of it. It must have been stress, or maybe it was a sickness. This time was different. A few weeks prior, Jessica had a slightly drunken lapse in judgment when she had decided to have a midnight rendezvous with her ex-boyfriend, Preston. That’s what had terrified the girl. For some reason, she had decided to buy a pregnancy test the week before, thinking that at two weeks she was ready to take it. She wasn’t.

Three weeks.

The very number daunted Jessica as the pale, petite brunette stared into the bathroom mirror. Her face looked gaunt and her usually bright hazel eyes were void of any emotion other than fear. How could a few hours in one night make everything so unclear? Her breath wore ragged as she glanced down at the two pregnancy tests that were perched face first on her bathroom counter. Directly beside them, her phone kept them company as it counted the seconds.

Two minutes.

According to the directions on the box, that’s all it would take until she found out whether she was expecting or not. Such a miniscule amount of time that could easily affect the rest of her life. Two minutes is all it would take to end her joy, her dreams, everything she had ever wanted. The room was filled with nothing but her unsteady breathing until the scream of the timer hit the air. It was time to look at the tests. The problem was that she couldn’t. There was a part of her that wanted to take them and throw them into the trash, never glancing at the results. Maybe then she could admit to herself that it was nothing but a dream. Her trembling hand glided across the screen of her phone, doing her best to silence the alarm that only added to the confusion.

Silently, she shuffled her bare feet across the cold linoleum over to the toilet, flipping down the lid once she had reached it. The loud clank of the plastic lid hitting the seat usually made her jump as it echoed off of the bare white walls, but this time she was already too far gone. Jessica wasn’t in the moment and there was nothing that could make her leap from her skin now. She lowered herself into a sitting position, not even wincing at the cold plastic as it hit the back of her legs that were exposed. She shifted ever so slightly, causing the edge of her black shorts to creep up her thick thighs.

She couldn’t help but think about what would happen if she was pregnant. The last five months of her life had been lived in freedom and bliss. As much as she loved Preston, her life had become simpler since breaking up with him. Sure, it wasn’t her idea at first, but for once in her life she felt as if her parents might have been right about something. If she was carrying her child, it would all change.

Anger.

That’s the first thing she felt as she continued to stare at the empty wall. If she hadn’t put herself into that situation, if she hadn’t had slept with Preston after leaving him months before, she’d be fine. She would have been free to live out whatever dreams she wanted.

Her thoughts drifted to the cute bartender that had just moved into town a few months prior. His name was Julian and while Jessica didn’t know him as well as she wanted to, she couldn’t help but be charmed by him. Unlike Preston’s sarcasm, Julian’s jokes didn’t weigh heavy on her mind. They didn’t make her doubt herself or her words, they didn’t make her think very much at all. What they did do was make her laugh. She had almost memorized the faint lines next to his green eyes that formed when he laughed, when he smiled. He was new. A boy that had tattoos painted on his skin and a fire lit behind his eyes. He sparked something in Jessica whenever she talked to him and she couldn’t help but think of what would happen if she wasn’t pregnant. Maybe she could charm him or maybe they’d become close. But if she was pregnant? She’d have to give that up. No man would want to even think about hitting the town with a girl that was expecting another man’s baby. No man in his right mind would think about pressing his lips against those of a woman that was slowly losing her own life to bring another into the world. A tear formed in her eye as she thought about it all. If she was pregnant, she’d have to deal with the fact that Preston, her high school sweetheart might be the only person she’d be with forever. With a sorrowful blink, the single tear spilled from her eye and rolled down her soft cheek.

What about New York? Just two weeks ago, she had purchased a train ticket with money she had been saving for six months. She was going to go visit come the end of the month. Maybe she would find a place of employment. Maybe that was her shot to escape, her shot to live a life that didn’t exist within the small, suffocating boundaries of Darlington. If she was pregnant, she knew she could never get on that train. She could never allow herself to see all of the magic and wonder that New York offered. She couldn’t tease herself only to let her dreams go.

Aside from all of this, from New York, from the mysterious green-eyed boy that had somehow captured her attention, something else weighed on Jessica’s mind – her dreams. From the young age of seven, all she had wanted to do was be a journalist or an author. She wanted to do something with herself and with the words. She longed to have the opportunity to express her talent and her opinions to the rest of the world. In her mind, it was a way to reason that everything she had gone through in a small town wasn’t going to stay there forever. The gossip, the emotional neglect from her parents, the nagging feeling that she didn’t belong. Once she had made something of herself, none of that would matter. A baby would take that all away from her.

Fear.

It washed over her as she finally stood up from the toilet and made her way back over to the kitchen counter. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed since she was supposed to look. With how deep into her thoughts she had traveled, it could have been minutes or hours. The matter of time was neither here nor there. What she had to do now was face her fears. Preparing herself for the worst but hoping for the best, she sucked in a harsh breath as she picked up the first pregnancy test and turned it over.

Positive.

Her heart sank into her stomach as she looked down at the two pink lines that were glaring at her. “False positives can happen, right?” The words came out in a hushed sob as she tossed the first test into the trash. What she didn’t know at that moment is that there were hardly ever false positives, just false negatives.

“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered to herself as she reached down and grabbed the second pregnancy test. If this one said negative, all of her fears would be unfounded. With her heart threatening to explode from her delicate chest, she slowly turned it over and looked down to see what her future held.

Positive.

As the second set of pink lines mocked her, Jessica’s world crumbled around her. She could barely take care of herself properly, how was she going to take care of a child? How was she could to provide for another human being when she barely made enough money to keep a roof over her head and food on the table? Feeling the room spin around her, she dropped the stick onto the floor, catching it bounce in the corner of her eye. Jessica slowly stumbled backwards, feeling her back hit the wall she had been staring at only minutes earlier.

The small brunette let out a rough and tortured cry, her lungs burning with a scream that she desperately wanted to release. With her weight pressed up against the wall, she began to slide down. It couldn’t be real. There was no way that this moment could be real. Somehow, she managed to hold it together until she felt her bottom hit the floor. In that moment, she crumbled.

Instead of remaining upright, Jessica collapsed on her side onto the floor. The cold floor was a painful contrast to her red, hot cheeks as she began to cry harder. Everything she had started to want in the past few months was gone. Her dreams were being torn apart by a being that was no bigger than a bundle of cells. The lust she held for a mysterious new boy was going to be hidden by a child growing deep inside of her. But worst of all, her freedom was gone. She was going to have the chance to escape this town she hated so much. Just a few feet away and across the hall, her train ticket sat eagerly inside the drawer of her nightstand. A single night with Preston, a boy she didn’t even want to be with anymore, had ruined it all. She had given it all away for a moment of drunken lust.

The frail brunette continued to lay on the floor and sob until her eyes no longer spilled tears. Almost reluctantly, she rolled onto her back and glanced up at the ceiling before closing her sad, hazel eyes.  Her shattered heart pounded wildly in her chest as she moved her left hand from the floor and rested it on her lower abdomen. Gently, she began to move her thumb back and forth on top of the clothing as if she was trying to sooth not only herself, but the being growing inside of her. If it was going to take her dreams away from her, the least she could do was try her hardest to find a new one involving it. Even if it was going to destroy her in the process. 

[sophie-gallagher-blog]

Moodboard — Sophie Alexandria Gallagher [1/??]

“Honestly, do what you want. If you want to kiss your crush do it, if you want to get drunk with your friends do it, if you want to have sex do it, if you want to smoke marijuana do it, if you want to do well in school do it. If you don’t want to do these things, don’t do it. It’s okay to do these things but its also just as fine not to. Do whatever you want to make you happy. It’s your life, not anyone else’s.”

What is your full name? Sophie Alexandria Gallagher. Natasha Elizabeth Walters.

Do you have any nicknames? Just Soph.

What is your date of birth? May 23rd, 1992.

Where are you from? Originally Tuscon, AZ, but now I live in Darlington, PA.

What are the five things you absolutely cannot live without? O'Malley's, the booze that comes with O'Malley's, my phone, 80s movies like Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club, and really good movie scores.

How would you describe your relationship with your family? I don’t really have much of a family to have a relationship. My mom died when I was little, I have no siblings, and I haven’t spoken to my dad since I left home.

How would you describe yourself in ten words or less? Charismatic, blunt, brash, ambitious, distant, adventurous, regretful, loyal, patient, and weak-stomached, which isn't technically a word, but hey.

Where do you see yourself in ten years from now? God, who knows? Maybe I’ll be back home, if I’m lucky. I’d like to be able to see my dad again. If not, then I’d like to get out of the country, or something. I’d rather not be stuck in this small town forever.

What is your favorite quote? “Honestly, do what you want. If you want to kiss your crush do it, if you want to get drunk with your friends do it, if you want to have sex do it, if you want to smoke marijuana do it, if you want to do well in school do it. If you don’t want to do these things, don’t do it. It’s okay to do these things but its also just as fine not to. Do whatever you want to make you happy. It’s your life, not anyone else’s.”

If you could go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be? How would you do things differently? I’d have stayed home more often. I wouldn’t have gone out partying every night. I’d have spent more time with my dad, and less time in shady places that led to me seeing shady things, things that forced me out of my old life and into this one.

[probablyjules]

Autumn Leaves | Self-Para

TW: drugs

Autumn in New York City meant pink cheeks and noses, bitten by the cold air. It meant an array of colored leaves flying around the city and falling under fast feet. Autumn meant beanies, coats, scarves and boots, worn by all the busy people rushing to get to their jobs, their homes, their plans. It was beautiful, but it was still New York. No one took a moment to appreciate the change in seasons. As the humidity broke and the sun hid behind gloomy clouds, everyone went on their way. They mindlessly broke out their sweaters but kept their heads down as they stuck to their schedules and commutes.  

Last year's brisk Fall was not different from any other October evening Julian had encountered in his twenty years of living in the city. It was easy to tell who was an NYC native and who was a tourist, simply by the way their eyes moved. As the curly haired boy leaned against the brick wall of an emptied boutique, he couldn't help but watch and divide. There were those who stayed on their cell phones, staring at the cracked cement passing under their shoes, and there were those who looked up towards the skyscrapers, eyeing the threatening clouds. Tourists normally got under the skin of anyone who was going about their day, but in the months of September to November, Julian couldn't help but envy their doe-eyed look as they wandered through the boroughs. New York had to be a beautiful sight, but only one that could appreciated if there was a fast getaway

"Do you have it?" A voice came. Julian would have jumped, had not been used to the way these encounters always went.

"You're late." He kept his eyes on the ignorant city dwellers passing by, but responded, "Of course I do. The real question is if you have the right amount this time."

"Look, you jacked up your prices. I can't --"

Finally, Julian's green eyes broke from the streets and met those of the acquaintance he had made. Sonny was an average height male with thinning dark hair and bags under his eyes from restless nights. He wore the same thing every time him and Julian met by their chosen alleyway; baggy jeans, big shoes, and a black sweatshirt with the hood up so it covered his scabbed face. He was quite the sight, but Julian had long since gotten used to it. Instead, his eyes narrowed at the obvious user and he lifted himself from the wall he had been leaning against, now towering over his client.

"You can't what? You can't pay?" Sonny's eyes rolled but he took a small step back as Julian scoffed. "Did you drag me out here again, for no fucking reason?"

"Just give me a little, man. I can pay for a little," he begged.

"You know the goddamn rules. Once it's in the baggie, it's not getting split. You can't pay the full amount, then you can't get your shit." Julian was already stepping away, but as he passed by Sonny, he grabbed the black sweatshirt and pulled him in close. "And the next time you waste my fucking time like this will be the last time. Got it, Sonny boy?"

With a final shove, Julian disappeared into the crowd. He kept his head up as he made his way through each block, but with every step he took that granted him closer and closer to his final destination, Julian could feel the weight on his shoulders getting heavier and heavier. Fingering the baggies in one pocket and the wad of cash in the other,  he could only imagine what was in store for him once he got to the other side of Bushwick. It would be the third time in a month that he appeared to Jonas with unsold product; he only wished he could avoid the lecture completely.

Rounding the corner, between an empty warehouse and a closed down Laundromat was the alley that sealed Julian's fate. There was always two big guys standing outside, chain-smoking and talking casually, but the twenty year old knew better; it wasn't so casual. They ignored him as he walked by, but turned their backs to him when Julian knocked four times with two knuckles against the cold, metal door of the warehouse. It took a moment, but eventually the door opened to a dimly lit room and in a flash, Julian was being pulled inside.

"Is it Friday already?" Jonas's voice echoed through. He was seated at his normal desk, with people working all around him. Cash boxes, baggies, product swirled around, getting ready for the rounds and payments. Julian's heart was pounding, but he didn't dare speak until Jonas was finished. "This week just flew by."

Finally coming to a stop at the table, Julian's green eyes met Jonas. He kept the grim look on his face, simply because what he couldn't stop touching in his pockets was making him nervous. But eventually, Jonas sighed. "Well, come on then. I don't have all day, kid."

It felt like Jules was swallowing glass, but after a moment of hesitation, he finally took the wad of cash out of one pocket first and tossed it on the table. Another pause, and the three full baggies joined.

Silence washed over the supplier and dealer. 

"Julian, Julian, Julian," Jonas finally groaned. He picked up the baggies and waved them around. "What is this? Why am I getting this back? I don't want this, I want the cash. Do you not get what your job asks of you?"

"I tried, alright. You changed the prices and people can't pay it. And if people can't pay, I know I can't sell." Julian could feel the fire in his words. It was an argument they'd had before, an argument that never got solved. But he also knew with each venom-filled word, he was placing himself between a rock and a hard spot. His confidence dipped noticeably when he mumbled, "What do you want me to do, Jonas?"

"I think it's clear what I want you to do, kid. I want you to fucking sell. I want you to push these like your life depends on it. Because, quite frankly, it does." Jonas and Julian locked eyes with the final sentence, the tension between them growing exponentially as the words rang in the young boy's ears; a reminder of what he'd gotten himself into. Julian's heart was swelling with hatred for the boss he'd worked for, for now four years. And Jonas must have noticed, because with a small, light-hearted laugh, he stood up and rounded the table to Julian's side. Placing a hand on the boy's shoulder, Jonas sighed, "Aw, come on, Jules. It's been years between us. You're one of my best. I just hate to see you slipping like this. I want the best for you and nothing else. But I need to get this done, you know? I'm not a bad guy. I'm just doing my job and I'm asking for you to do the same."

The nice guy speech was one Julian had heard repeatedly, so he couldn't help but roll his eyes and shrug off the hand weighing him down, both literally and figuratively. He didn't dare speak, though. He was wise enough to know that the nice guy speech was the best treatment one could get around here when they fucked up.

"Here, take your cut." Jonas took the wad of cash Julian had been harboring just minutes before, and pulled less than half from it, offering it up to the dealer.

It was always this moment that Julian wondered if he could just shake his head and walk away. If he didn't take the money peacefully and bowed out, could he really be freed from the anxiety and the lifestyle he had set up? Would Jonas let him leave? Julian doubted it. And the money could be used. The hard part was done and his prize, his goal was being handed to him. He felt foolish leaving without it, into uncertainty. So instead, he took the money and shoved it in his pocket, just as another load was being pushed toward him by a worker. Julian glanced up at the guy, but with a sneer, he took the baggies as well.

He was making his way toward the door when Jonas's voice stopped him cold in his tracks. "And Julian? The next time you come to me with unsold product is the last time. We clear?"

He wanted to walk away and let Jonas fester in the silence. But again, he knew better. With a shaky voice, Julian replied, "Crystal."

And with that, he made his way out of the warehouse and down the familiar streets of Bushwick. Autumn leaves crunched underway as Julian swore up and down, one day, he'd get the fuck out of New York City and away from Jonas once and for all.