Hey girl! I read your blog all the time and itās made me so much more confident l, so thank you! ā¤ļøā¤ļø I need your help please! Sometimes I have those nights where I feel so low. Iāve been single for a long time and Iāve stopped having casual sex/ fwb last year. Usually Iām fine, but some nights Iām so lonely. I crave to be held and touched by a man. Or sometimes I just wish I could have a man to confide in and who makes me feel safe and protected. The feelings of longing go beyond just physical touch. I even get urges to cave in and message my old fwb for validation, which I havenāt done, but itās been difficult not to. How do you deal with this? ā¤ļø
I congratulate you for removing any situationships from your life. It's not easy to go against the grain and decide you deserve better. But I will say, no woman that is confident, has high self-worth and good mental health will entertain a situationship. I said what I said.
Now, it's normal and human to crave connection, regardless of its form, so don't be hard on yourself for this! Start with deciding what high value partner you want, write a list of their qualities, and then say no to anything less. Make a vow to yourself if you have to.
In the meantime... focus on dating yourself, giving yourself anything and everything you'd crave from a partner. Literally. Validation, words of affirmation? Write "I am" positive affirmations and read them over and over until confidence bubbles up in your chest, or just call up a friend and open up about your needs. Want to feel safe? Tell yourself "I am safe, I am held" or similar affirmations, and ask yourself what actions from a man would make you feel safe, then give yourself that. Intimacy, connection? Reach out to friends or family and do some uplifting, rewarding activities like go for brunch, go shopping, do a yoga class or a roadtrip, watch a movie and have some laughs, go clubbing and dance it out, etc. Physical touch, pleasure? Get yourself some tools that will be there for you 24/7 so long as you recharge the batteries. Make yourself whole, then approach dating from a place of power and wholeness - it's the only way to win the game.
But the most important tip is this: build your foundation, your community of friends. Create meaningful connections and friendships. Meet new people. Network. I can't emphasize this enough.
Most of the time it's not even a partner/bf we want, it's just the feeling of being seen, known, appreciated, of being part of something meaningful or feeling alive! Society brainwashes women from the earliest age that a relationship/man/marriage is the end-all-be-all for happiness. Teaching us that we should view them as the one stop for all of our needs. The truth is, it's not. And no relationship can fulfill all of your needs, because that turns codependent and unhealthy very fast.
Friendships, I would argue, are the very foundation of everything. When you don't have friends, you jump from relationship to relationship because you're lonely and anxious and empty without one, because you lack a basic community to lean on. When you don't have friends, you cling to toxic men because you think "it's better than nothing". Do you see where this is going? Meanwhile, when you have a supportive community, you're more brave in walking away from anything subpar, you feel supported and held and safe in making any difficult choices. Speaking from experience, it makes a world of difference knowing you're not alone.
Define what your high value partner should be like. Accept nothing less.
Date yourself, give yourself everything you need.
Network, build friendships, connect with people, meet new people, socialize, go to events. You'll forget about the loneliness 99% of the time.
Your friends are your foundation, your support system. Treasure them like gold. You don't have to deal with everything alone! That's what friends are for.
Best of wishes darling, and thank you for the kind words. I'm glad my writing is helping others reclaim their power and confidence! ššš„
