Dear Future Boyfriend – Don’t Be an Actor
As a kid, my celebrity crushes rocked a mic, not the big screen. I would dream all night of LL Cool J kissing me (pre In Too Deep) and Jump all day for Kris Kross. And while all of my girlfriends thought The Fresh Prince aka Will Smith was to die for, I had it bad for U-S-HER-RA-YM-O-N-D now baby tell me what you wanna do with me. Now not to be confused, it’s not that actors weren’t attractive. They just weren’t my type. The Prince was most definitely cute, but he was also kinda goofy and too attention needy. Everything revolved around him and although he was a good guy who cared about his family (even Carlton which we saw when he accidently drugged him, making me cry, and landing him in the hospital) everyone played second fiddle to his orchestra. I know I know, he technically was the star of the show so by design he was the center of the universe, but deep down I knew this was who he really was. Cut to Jada Pinkett-Smith confirming that on the Season 2 premiere of Red Table Talk. And just like that I knew this is who actors really are. And so, from a young age I knew I could ever date an actor, well unless I wanted to spend my entire life holding their purse.
Unfortunately for me, I did not listen to the wise young girl I once was. Instead I moved to Hollywood and did the most cliché thing possible. I dated an actor… actors… way too many actors. And now I can say with the utmost confidence Future Boyfriend, you are not one. My first actor came disguised as a friend. I met him in at a sports bar. I was fairly new to LaLa Land and was easily impressed. He was a man who like sports and didn’t wax his arms. Winner. After a few months of hanging out we began dating. And although there was a series of red flags: he was much prettier than I, “flirted” with anything in a skirt, lied continuously and had a horrific belly tattoo, it was the day he gave me a pair of white jeans which were gifted to him that I knew we would never be. These were cool, expensive, designer jeans that he felt looked too “girly” to wear, so it was only natural that he gave them to the girl he was sleeping with… the most. I gratefully accepted, but when I tried them on realized I couldn’t pull them up over my big midwestern butt. And in that moment I realized, this shrimp was smaller than me and dating him was bad for my self-esteem. When he later stole my car (and toilet paper) and began sleeping with a mutual “friend” it sealed the deal. We were definitely done. But like a bad tattoo (which he had plenty of) you can’t just have one. This disaster ignited a string of bad actor dating for me. The next two actors were similar but different. One had the body of a Greek God while the other had a personality of a saint. But both were very passionate and super intense. They knew what they wanted and had already cast me to play a specific role in their lives. Unfortunately for them I hadn’t auditioned for the role of devoted, selfless, overly committed girlfriend/pretend wife. I could not dedicate my entire life to their up and down mood swings. Did you get the part? How did your audition go? Oh we’re dieting again… how much weight are we losing this time? Wow too much. Too soon. I couldn’t. So, like a class act, I faded into the background. The next one caught me off guard, maybe because I was laughing the whole time. A comedian, turned actor, turned tortured talent, who enjoyed pretending he was humble, but was really just a douchebag in training swept me off my feet in 2 weeks. I knew it was real when he drove me to the airport to catch a flight. 2 hours of traffic for me, wow, this dude must love me. Welp, I knew it was over when while away, I saw a picture of him with his new girlfriend on Instagram. Wow he moves fast. And just like his many NBC shows, I too was cancelled. My A-Lister, Soap Star and Canadian actors all imploded when they realized I was not their assistance. NO - I will not review your audition tape for notes. NO - I will not wait in your trailer while you shoot night scenes. And PLEASE STOP SENDING ME YOUR HEADSHOTS!!! I’m no longer interested in casting you for the role of Future Boyfriend. Goodbye. Look, I work in the business, but I don’t date the business so, if that’s all you have to offer, find another girl who’s more easily impressed. She’ll read lines with you. Now, Future Boyfriend, although I should have thrown in the actor towel a long time ago, it wasn’t until I spent a little time dating a couple Tyler Perry Production peeps that I remembered exactly why I never liked and should never have dated an actor. Like the Fresh Prince they too were attractive, but very attention needy. They were also goofy and immature. But more importantly these were the most self-absorbed of them all. And just like that dating an actor was - A Wrap – for me. Now, Future Boyfriend, I’m confident there is more to you than your career, but I promise if your career is acting, I am going to respectfully bow out. I’ve done my time, fought my battles and have concluded actors are not for me. Go find another job then come find me.
Xo
Mix