#datingin2021

[southsideunicorn]

What's going on with Siaka Massaquoi

[astoldbyshe]

The Ghost Who Reappears - But Not How You Think (UPDATE)

This is an update to the previous Dash story, The Ghost Who’s Always In A Rush. If you haven’t read that story yet, I encourage you to go back and get the tea before partaking in this cup. Don’t worry, I’ll keep the teapot hot for when you come back!

Hey lovers! Buckle up because boy, do I have an update for you!

Remember Dash? The guy who was always in a rush? The guy who was potentially (read: for sure) ghosting me? Well, turns out Dash was in a rush to do a lot of things, but speaking to me again was not one of them. I know... Ghosting happens! It’s 2021 and I’m not an idiot nor am I living under a rock. The problem with ghosting is that it puts a coma or an ellipsis at the end of a sentence instead of a period.

Let me refresh your memories lovers! Dash and I’s last date was to see the new Purge movie, The Forever Purge. (For those of you that are curious, the movie was okay. I think it will be the last Purge movie, but you never know.) Anyway, back to Dash! The movie was a good date as far as I could tell. We talked a little bit before and after the movie, we laughed 🤣, he held my hand 👫🏾 for the entire movie, and he even kissed 😚 me afterwards. It was a good date, no red flags, no weird energy – a good date. (Like with the other dates, my only qualm is that I wished it lasted a little longer. That’s it! Actually... no, that’s a lie – I also wish we ate 🤤, but I digress.) The date was good enough according to Dash too though. During my call with him later that evening, he said that he enjoyed himself and my company and then he made tentative plans for another date with me for the upcoming week.

So, I awoke the next day feeling happy about Dash and I, especially because I believed we had a successful 3rd date and were on our way to a 4th! That morning, Dash and I exchanged our customary “good morning” texts and he informed me that he would be spending time with family to celebrate the 4th of July. Again, nothing out of the ordinary. Little did I know, that would be the last time I heard from Dash. Oh, and those loose plans for our next date would never come to fruition because Dash and I would never speak again. 😑

Let me let you in on a little tidbit of information about me. SHE does not like cliff hangers in real life or unfinished stories. Since it had only been two days since I heard from Dash, I decided to send my one and only text message to see if everything was okay. This text message was also my form of an internal power grab to get my closure rather than wait for Dash to give it to me. So, I made up my mind that if Dash did not respond, I would make him a distant memory.

I got my chapter ending after all and it came by way of Hinge, the dating app where I met Dash. God really does work in mysterious ways!

Reminder: On our second date, Dash told me that he deleted his profile so he could commit his attention to seeing where this thing between he and I would go. I thought it as a little soon for that, especially because, though my activity on the app had slowed since meeting Dash, I didn’t feel obligated to delete my profile. But, who am I to tell someone else how to date?

Imagine my surprise 😲, when Dash's newly created profile popped onto my Hinge feed, ready to mingle, with a purple badge declaring that he "just joined". (Note: Though it sucks, I’m not really surprised. I sort of predicted this would happen when I first realized that he was ghosting me.😒)

Can we be real here? Okay, good! We all talk a big game about forgetting those who do us dirty. But I know I’m not the only one who revisits those memories from time to time. In all honesty, I’m not mad at Dash and I don’t hate him. For God’s sake, we only went on 3 dates, so I didn’t and still don’t know enough about him to have any real feelings – good, bad, or indifferent. He presented a seemingly direct and straightforward nature, so ghosting didn't seem like his style. So really, I’m annoyed that he chose the cowardly way out. 🙄

You see, one of the problems with ghosting is that it allows the person who was ghosted to create scenarios that give the ghost the benefit of the doubt. At one point, I thought Dash could be in the hospital 🤷🏾‍♀️, especially since he had recent health issues about a week prior. Maybe he was injured and in a coma. 🤷🏿 Maybe his phone was stolen or lost. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe he was DEAD. 🥴... but also 🤷🏽🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏾 All these scenarios are valid reasons that would prevent someone from communicating in normal ways. But when you ghost someone, you leave them to ponder all these unending scenarios until they decide to stop, or they get tired of giving the ghost excuses for not being honest. In the grand scheme of things, I'm probably dodging an even bigger bullet with Dash, especially because I had quite a few unanswered questions about him and I noticed that somethings that just didn't add up. In all things, give thanks - so, I'm grateful it wasn't as messy as it could have been.

Overall, ghosting is just way too easy in this day and age! But since we are keeping it real here, I must admit that the ease of ghosting is a pro and a con. The ease of ghosting is a welcomed pro when you need to get away from someone who is extremely inappropriate, makes you feel uncomfortable, endangers your life, or is just plain creepy. But it becomes a con when it’s used as a cowardly way out of a situation – especially when the situation is new and cutting things off is, presumably, easier because no real feelings are involved. I know we can’t expect others to handle things the way we would, but I think ghosting truly frustrates me because I would never choose that route unless it was necessary and unavoidable. I prefer clean breaks and direct communication where there’s no confusion and no mixed signals. Ghosting doesn’t achieve any of those things, in my opinion.

That’s all folks! Ghosting sucks and I don’t wish it on any of you lovers!

P.S.: Remind me to tell you the story about “The One With A Basketball Team & An Assistant Coach,” it’s a perfect example of how to cleanly and effectively end a situation that just won’t work. And in true SHE fashion, you know its gonna be a good one!

Until next time lovers,

- SHE

[astoldbyshe]

The One Who Never Ate

Word of advice to all of my lovers of the male species out there, feed your dates!

Now, onto our next entry:

I met this guy on good ole Bumble, let's call him Famine. Famine and I had gone on a few dates, and I genuinely liked him! One of his quirks was that he never ordered food for himself and would literally talk with me while I ate alone. I thought it was a little strange to be the only one eating on our dates, but Famine always reassured me that he was fine and had had a big meal prior to our meetups. I should have asked why he insisted on taking me to restaurants if he didn't plan to eat with me. But needless to say, I never found a way to ask the question without sounding rude or accusatory, so I left it alone.

Everything else about Famine was seemingly great! We laughed and could talk about all sorts of things - no matter how intellectual or silly. Famine and I could also spend hours doing absolutely nothing at all and it was great! It was just strange that no matter when we would plan our dates, Famine never ate with me, EVER!

It got to the point where I decided to plan a surprise date and insist that Famine try some new delicious foods at a summer cultural festival that was in town. The festival included many different types of food trucks, various vendors, and musical acts that serenaded us throughout the entire day and evening. I had a great time learning about new cultures and traditions and we were there for hours. We didn't leave until it was the pretty late in the evening. Again, Famine ate not one morsel of food! Your guess is as good as mine because I still don't know what was up.

Though food is the initial focus of this particular entry, Famine and I didn't call it quits because of his eating habits. Famine and I ended because he was closed minded and quite judgmental. While at the festival, Famine made comments about various cultures that exposed him as a negative person who made baseless general statements about different nationalities and cultures as a whole. At one point, Famine joked about how he would never attend an event hosted by certain African cultures because "they" were always late, "they" were vulgar, and "they" were unsophisticated. This was an immediate turn off for me because I LOVE culture and learning about new people and their traditions. I also have friends from various African countries who have shown me the love of their culture by inviting me to their events and welcoming me with open arms. Famine and I could never make it because prejudice and discrimination are a no-go for me.

While I wish I learned this red flag about Famine sooner, he taught me somethings about what I want in a mate... I want my husband to be able to carry on conversation with me about the most intellectual topics and the silliest ones, without missing a beat. I want to be able to laugh with my husband. I want to be able to spend time with my husband doing absolutely nothing and not feel bored or annoyed with the silence or absence of activity. And, I also want to be able to go with my husband to any kind of event, regardless of cultural ties -- but especially African events because the love, expression of culture, and food are acts of resistance. Also, Jollof Rice is a love language! IYKYK!!!

Until next time lovers,

- SHE

[astoldbyshe]

The Ghost Who’s Always In A Rush

Maybe I’ve been out of the loop of dating for a while, but what is with the “Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go Right Now” mentality!

Sit down lovers, it’s STORY TIME!

I met this guy, let’s call him Dash! Dash is always in a hurry, but in order to understand what I mean - let’s rewind.

I met Dash on Hinge. We hit it off and exchanged numbers! We talked on the phone for hours every night for about a week straight, did the obligatory video chat to ensure we were who we physically claimed to be, and decided to meet in person for a first date! Sounds great so far, right!

Dash and I met for dinner at Italian restaurant, one of my favorite types of cuisine! Points for Dash! Though Dash was a few minutes late, he arrived and looked even more handsome than his pictures or video chat gave him credit for. I’m talking tall, dark, and handsome! More points for Dash!

We proceed to our table, and I begin to peruse the menu. I notice that Dash does not open his menu at any point though. Instead, he tells the waitress that he will only be having mozzarella sticks and water. I think to myself, “Okay, no biggie, maybe he’s already eaten.”

We get our food and Dash and I proceed to have great conversation. I also noticed that he talked with food in his mouth... A LOT!  Big turn off but again not really a red flag in my book. We leave the restaurant and Dash walks me to my car, where I think we’ll probably talk some more - especially because the conversation was so great up until that point.

Instead, Dash proceeds to kiss me! (I didn’t know that people kissed on the first date in the pandemic, but apparently, they do!) It wasn’t an intrusive or excessive kiss. In fact, it was kind of nice, but it definitely caught me off guard as I haven't been in kissed in quite some time. After the kiss and because this is apparently going so well, I assume we’re definitely going to sit and talk some more but that does not happen. Dash ends the date, and we go our separate ways.

The date from start to finish lasts for 1 hour total. My commute to and from the restaurant was longer than the entire date itself! At that point, I thought it was weird, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. (Maybe he just has an early start in the mornings. 🤷🏾‍♀️)

To date, I have gone on 3 dates with Dash. Each one has lasted for about 1 hour. (The only exception was the movie, but even then, the date only lasted for the time it took to watch the movie and go our separate ways.)

Overall, Dash has given off the impression that he is always running back to something (or God-forbid, someone) that prevents us from having dates that last longer than 1 hour or the length of a movie. Given our great and open conversations, I planned to ask Dash what’s going on. However, I currently have not heard from him in over 48 hours, which is unusual for the consistent daily conversations we’ve had since we began our exchange. That’s weird as well because nothing happened that would have caused him to lose interest. In fact, during our last conversation, we began making tentative plans for the next date. Though I don’t wish any of this on him, he’s either dead, in a coma, in jail, lost his phone, dealing with a huge tragedy, or he may be ghosting me! 👻

Either way, I’ll keep you posted! Until next time lovers,

- SHE