Scratch That...(Or Part of That)
So I had this plan. I just shouldn’t plan. Plans don’t work for me. Clearly. Why do I keep trying to make plans? Why do I try to organize the chaos? There is no organizing the chaos. I guess I need to learn this lesson over and over and over and over until I never learn this lesson. Didn’t Albert Einstein exclaim that “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results” I am clearly insane.
So what the heck am I talking about? I don’t really know exactly, but I am going to try to express the mashup of my heart, brain, and now gut (thanks Ryan:)).
Part of my last blog post was processing a recent rejection from a man I was very much interested in and I how I was going to “manage” dating going forward. After further exploration, a healthy dose of successful dates, and a little kindness (from myself and the wonderful people I surround myself with) I realized I was actually giving power to my fears, allowing them to take over and run things. Rather than remaining open, curious and kind, at the first sign of uncomfortability and uncertainty I quickly became rigid, “controlling” the situation, leaning away from vulnerability and protecting myself from further loss and the hurt that uniquely follows. What I felt was “rejection” was ultimately a lesson...that this man was not “my person.” Simply put.
As the self-doubt waffled and waned, I got back up. I put myself back out there and continued “bumbling” my way through the Richmond dating scene. And for the past two months, I have met up with several different people. People like me who are trying to find someone to connect with. People looking for a spark...some (or a WHOLE LOT) of chemistry...an aha moment. People with stories of their own - joys and challenges, fears and triumphs and the “so ons and so forths.” Some people are frankly just more self-aware of the demons they face and further still choose to remain in the growth mindset despite the pain. Those ones....those are the ones who are attractive. Those are the ones I invite into my life. “My person” is there...in the midst of those people...waiting to embrace my stories...waiting to lean into the vulnerability together. And as I write that I think I sound like a gross, corny mess. Yet because that damn vulnerability is key, I won’t say, ‘Scratch That!’
Instead, I will scratch out the control, self-doubt, and looking towards others to validate my own worth. Why put the value of myself in someone else’s hands? I am a bad-ass, secure, and overall healthy person. I like who I am (for the most part). I have gotten to a place where I like both my visible and hidden internal scars. So what’s up with me and my relationships? Through the help of a therapist who focuses on women who have experienced cancer, I have started exploring myself in relation to other people. I realize I have to go more inward to go outward. I am challenged in bringing myself back to myself...doing the inner work that I desire to do to grow as a person. I am taking in this moment, mindful of the here and now. More importantly, remaining mindful of me...in all my uniqueness as well as the universal human parts.