#dayfiftyfour

[faintest-first-starlight]

297/365 And another one. #fallphotochallenge #dayfiftyfour https://www.instagram.com/p/CYK5yWmtwKD/?utm_medium=tumblr

[faintest-first-starlight]

207/365 The manga collecting never stops. #summerphotochallenge #dayfiftyfour https://www.instagram.com/p/CVb3Fp_ts04/?utm_medium=tumblr

[faintest-first-starlight]

113/365 When I tell you I am obsessed with this scent. It's from @briannafromdandylions shop and I can't wait to buy more scents. #springphotochallenge #dayfiftyfour https://www.instagram.com/p/COjSludF9yw/?igshid=1n3jltz7429cr

[faintest-first-starlight]

297/365 So I picked up crochet for the first time in quite awhile and it isn't perfect but it's pretty decent. #fallphotochallenge #dayfiftyfour https://www.instagram.com/p/CHJ7-XAlMg9/?igshid=l04hvlucuoxb

[faintest-first-starlight]

235/365 Ordered some stamps and plan on stocking up on some more. I am gunna get back into penpaling and sending cards soon. #summerphotochallenge #dayfiftyfour https://www.instagram.com/p/CEVfOS0JSFR/?igshid=8rxn5tqrkymi

[osbigodesdamaria]

Day #54 Not over yet... Stay tunned! Follow the stories! . #stayathomejournal #dayfiftyfour #dontpanic #longdays #staythefuckhome #illustration #contemporaryart #portugueseillustration #portugueseillustrator #portugueseillustrators #worldillumination #contemporary #artistaspt #pt #minimal #portugueseillustrations #p3top #gerador #instiesgerador #covid #covid19 #coronavirus #corona #virus #osbigodesdamaria https://www.instagram.com/p/B_2GqOFHyYs/?igshid=1bj9c10iutqh3

[elle-vaytor]

Yip, this is definitely me these days :-/

[elle-vaytor]

The Break Up Blog - Day Fifty Four

Urgh, I'm so tired.

I kept tossing and turning all night and my arm is throbbing in the place where I got my recent muscle strain.

I hate early risings with a passion.

But it's what I know best, so I dragged my ass out of bed and took a shower.

I had my usual morning conversations with God, but kept it short today. It's been a little too much 'me, me, me' lately and ranting about X, so I didn't want to get into a brooding mood.

I managed to make some fried eggs and milk tea for breakfast. Then I went downstairs to meet, D, CI, C and AS for our trip to see the big buddha. We hired a car and drove down to the peninsula outside our city. I've never been that far beyond the big lake surrounding our city, it was a tranquil drive.

The big buddha and the surroundings temple were lovely! It's been months since I last travelled anywhere in China, it felt nice to be a tourist again. My eyes throbbed a lot at first because of the strong lenses in my spectacles, but I soon felt better the longer we walked.

Luckily, there weren't so many people around, so we didn't have to wait too long in the queues to go to the top tier of the buddha statue beneath the buddha's feet. So C and I went up together and talked about relationships while enjoying a gorgeous top view of the surrounding area.

It felt so peaceful up there, like nothing bad or depressing could touch me anymore. If it hadn't been so cold from the rain and having to leave the tourist area, I might've stayed up there all day.

The five of us had a lovely time together and even found an opportunity to eat lunch after viewing the big buddha statue. I probably spent more money than necessary on today's trip; but it's sometimes good to do nice things for yourself from time to time.

I had a weird moment while texting my friends and walking up to the big buddha statue. My phone vibrated and I unlocked it, expecting to see a message from D or AS since we'd all split to look at other places.

Instead, I saw a missed call on Facetime from X.

The only IOS device X has is her iPad and to my knowledge, she pawned it off months ago to pay off yet another outstanding loan.

So I guess she has her iPad back again.

As to why she called me, I'm guessing that she dialled me by mistake. I've done that a few times where I've accidentally dialled P on Facetime when I meant to call X and vice versa. So that's probably what happened since there was no repeated call from X since then.

And even while knowing that and surmising that logically, I still brooded about that missed call all afternoon.

It feels like yet another taunt from X.

Just another proverbial and literal 'fuck you' from the woman I love.

Same old, same old.

It's bad enough that she has nothing to say to me after all the crap she's put me through in a year. And she just has to go and 'butt-dial' me when I'm already having some conflicted feelings towards her.

Why can't she just leave me alone?

Or maybe it's just me who can't let it go.

I'm not going to call her back, if anyone's wondering. That wouldn't accomplish anything. There's so much I want to say to X; and yet, I don't actually want to physically talk to her.

I weirdly thought about R while roaming around the buddha statue earlier. It's one of my defence mechanisms: avoiding my painful feelings by distracting myself with someone hot and high above me that they can't actually touch me in any sense. Still, it might be nice to text R and send her some pics from my excursion today.

I'm officially tired now. I'll eat dinner in a bit and then just relax for the rest of the night. I started writing a little two nights ago and since, so I hope I can write some more tomorrow.

I want to forget all these bad feelings that X has put on my shoulders. I want to let go of my broken heart, one piece at a time.

All in good time, right?

Rome wasn't built in a day. And a broken heart certainly wasn't healed in a day either.