de-transitioning for the love of self, and men
I am a man. A cis gendered man. 16 years ago I woke from a dream, and knew I was transgender. I immediately went about transitioning MTF from that day forward. Today, I know that decision was the wrong one for me.
It took me a long time to understand why I transitioned in the first place, but now I finally know why. If you guessed abuse, you would be mostly correct.
My father treated me like I was a defect and a problem when I was a toddler. My earliest memory of my father was of him screaming at me at the top of his lungs. His father treated him the same way. I forgive him. But what my Dad gave me was a life long feeling, that no matter what I did nothing could fix me. I was defective.
Other boys picked up on my low self esteem, and smelled blood in the water, reinforcing my low self esteem even further. So, who did I turn to for friendship and safety? Girls. Women.
My hero's became women. When women spoke I understood them. The language of feeling and emotion became my mode of communication, and my way of looking at the world. That is not a boys way. I thought boys and men where dumb and mean. Because I was a boy, on some intrinsic level knew I was dumb and mean.
Low self esteem brought on by abuse from a man, the most important man in my life, and now the belief that all men are mean and dumb. I was a man, the enemy.
I was primed by the time I awoke from that strange dream. I fought the tendency to transition all my life. The man within me knew transitioning was wrong for me. Even though I had done the things that most men would consider successful initiation into the brotherhood of men, because I never addressed my low self esteem, and my distorted view of men, I broke.
Now that I have come to this understanding, I am here to share my experience for any man that is fighting the urge to transition, or for those men that are de-transitioning themselves.
I hope it goes without saying, this note is not a judgement on those that are transgender. This note is for those that think they are, but really aren't.
