Deacon ANGST
Do y'all wanna talk about Deacon convincing himself that he's not in love with the SoSu? Because like, why else would you not be able to romance him huh? He's denying himself, he doesn't think he deserves it. So he plays to his strength. He lies his way out of it, because he's scared.
Deacon is a wounded man certainly, deeply afraid of true personal connection. He knows to be loved is to be known, and that's why he does nothing but lie to the people around him. He thinks that he can be so erratic and unknown that it makes him unlovable. He doesn't let himself slip when he feels a fondness for her grow. When he looks at the SoSu and thinks just for a moment that he recognizes the ghost in her smile, the softness in her eyes when she speaks to him, the passion that drives her. He can't determine the difference between butterflies and nausea anymore.
The day he tells her about Barbra is the day he seals his own fate. The day he truly swore it all off. Even though the vault dweller met him with those gentle eyes she always did, even if he knew they shared that moment deeper than most. He refuses it. When she reaches to lay a hand over his, he pulls away, and the tension and distance remain. If he was a better man, he'd vanish for a while like he always does. He'd let her down gently and never darken her doorstep again. That's what he tells himself anyway, ever the liar our darling Deacon.