Dec 30, 2017
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I never thought you'd give up on me, and you never have; but honey, I've given up on myself.
I'm lost. I don't know who I am anymore and am no longer certain with where I belong. I wake, I wait, you come home, we watch, we eat, we talk, we watch some more and then we fight. We yell, you sleep, I watch you sleep and cry and wonder where along the line we screwed up so badly to deserve such sadness so late at night. I can't sleep, I lay, I watch, I occupy myself. I watch you sleep and cry and wonder if I even belong to your embrace anymore or if I just belong to your sadness. I repeat. We repeat. Where did we fuck up.
I try. I try so fucking hard. I try to be perfect, considerable, priceless, affectionate and appreciative buts it's never enough and it's never good enough.
Never one to complain (I really am) but I’m feeling a little attacked right now.
So I play competitive dodgeball in Sydney and soon, Melbourne. Which is great fun, really good exercise and is just a super cool way to meet people, have fun with friends and be accepted. Lately however, I’m feeling a little attacked.
If you live in Sydney you know it’s been insanely hot. Which means the denim knickers and stussy bras make an appearance and are accepted as casual clothing. I would never be one to wear anything out like that, simply because I’m not comfortable in it but for dodgeball I wear black shorts and a black sports bras to play in. I mean seriously, it’s indoor with no aircon or fans…. it’s fucking hot. I’m not however, the first to sport either of those items. Yet I am the first to cop comments when I am wearing long tights and a jersey “OH, you’ve got clothes on!”
So that’s just great…. and no, I’m not ok with it.
People think I'm a dick because I'm a sad person who's generally annoyed at the world. I'm not. I'm a dick because I'm honest and tell the truth. If being honest these days means I'm a dick then hey, go for it! Better than being called a liar