#deadpoolreader

[d1onysusw1n3]

DEADPOOL X INVINCIBLE READER

I have a story that will contain more chapters of this one shot on Wattpad, puhleseee check it out bruvs 😛

My Wattpad user: t0x1c_TraSh

/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿⠀⊹ 𖥔 ⌖ : ̗̀⁍/Music plays off of a small radio on the side of you, as you draw an elephant with shitty crayons on a blank piece of paper in your lap. You hum to the soft tune of fireworks by Katy Perry playing softly in the background.

screams of people and loud commotion are heard down at the burger mart parking lot. You take a small peak down the off the roof and come to see a giant elephant throwing shit around screaming incoherent bullshit. Sighing you shake your head.

"Oh hello there! Didn't see you." You smile at the audience.

"As you can see, I was kicked to the curb, like a sad little puppy, as the big daddies fight aliens, they decided to take me, Deadpool by the way, and make me calm a vegan elephants tantrum! Fucked up right?!" You huff shaking your head. "Anyways, immortal if you're watching this, this one is for you." You grab the camera pressing a fat kiss to the lens.

Standing up on the burger mart roof you lean back cracking your spine and neck. "Alright! Maximum effort." You jump off the roof flipping until you hit the floor in front of Mr.Fluffy.

"Oh you got your big guns out today!! yeah bud!?" You sassed at the man dressed up as a cute little elephant.

"SHUT IT YOU PRICK!" The elephant screams.

"Yeah well, what's your name!?" You yell back from across the burger restaurants parking lot. People stare at you with questioning gazes.

"Can you stop being an asshole and get this over with already." You hear immortal groan in your ear piece.

"Shh, we don't wanna hear it minor lover!" You sass.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?! WILSON WHEN YOU GET BACK IM GOING TO-"

You rip the ear piece out throwing it aside, allowing it to get ran over by a random car. Pulling down your mask you zone back into the fluffy cute elephant throwing metal benches at civilians just trying to enjoy their food.

"NONE OF YOU WOULD EAT A DOG! WHY IS A COW ANY DIFFERENT." He yells pointing at everyone. "IF I CAN SURVIVE ON A ALL PLANT DIET, SO. CAN. YO-" his 'evil monologue' gets cut off by an ice cream cone being thrown at his face.

The elephant turns to see you giggling with some ten year old.

"BOOYAH!!!" You yell.

"Thanks for the cone kid," reaching into your suit pocket, you hand him a fifty dollar bill. "Go buy yourself something nice."

"Hey! You assho-"

"Zip it fluffy!! I'm about to do to you what limpbizkit did to music, in the late nineties." You say reaching behind your back for both of your katanas while sprinting at him.

He hollers a guttural scream picking up another metal bench throwing it right at your fucking face. Sliding you twist your body slicing the bench in half with both of your swords.

Mr.Fluffy stomps his foot sending a shockwave throughout the whole parking lot, throwing you back into a giant bus.

Groaning you shake your head. "Effing-A, not nice Mr.fluffy! Not nice at all!" You yell coughing up blood.

"I'm about to fucking Bruce Lee your ass!" You scream running up to him, Jumping up and drop kicking him in his chest with both legs. He gets thrown back into the window of burger mart. Hundreds of people start screaming, running out the hole in the restaurant.

You skip in the giant hole in the glass, kicking dust and broken shards all over the floor.

You see Mr fluffy laid out on the floor.

"Hey! I'm not done yet, wake up fluffy!" You scream in horror kicking him in his rib cage. The elephant grabs onto your ankle throwing you to the side making you crash into a bunch of stacked up burger buns.

"Ha! Sticked the landing this tim-" Fluffy cuts me off by picking me up by my head with one hand slamming my face into the metal counters until it engraved into the actual fucking metal.

"Shut. The. Fuck. UP!" The elephant yells as he continually slams my face into the counter.

I reach to the side quickly turning on the burger grill. Throwing my head back hitting him in his chin, I turn and grab the neck of his fuck ass but adorable costume throwing his face into the sizzling greased grill.

He screams in pain as his face starts to melt off, making the whole place smell like plastic.

"Yeah! How do you like it fuck face!!" I scream throwing him back into the wall. He flys back making another giant hole into the wall. He slides against the pavement until he comes to a short stop.

You walk over sitting on his back cross cross applesauce. As the police arrive shortly.

"Oh hello there!? Decided to finally join the party yeah?" You say with your mask half off munching down on a cold burger.

"Can you please get off the suspect. We need to take him in for questioning."

"Fuck!" You hold your heart looking at Cecil. "You fucking witch, stop popping out like that!" You point at him throwing your burger over your back.

He holds the bridge of his nose feeling irritation creeping up his spine already. He's only been in your presence for five minutes.

"Just shut the fuck up and head over to Guardians HQ, now." Cecil states in his usual brooding manner.

"Whatever you say Voldemort."

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"Sup fuckers!" You yell kicking the door open with your foot. Rex immediately bounces up giving you a high five. "Y'all miss me?" You muse at the people who ignored you ever since you stepped foot in the place.

"No, you're annoying as fuck." Dupli-Kate says with a snarl.

You point at her throwing an arm around Rex, though he was way taller than you, you were only about 5'7.

"You shut the fuck up, your fucking someone who amounts to the age of Father Christmas." You sass.

Rex snorts throwing his head back in laughter.

"That has nothing to do with you." Kate seethes.

"WILSON!" Immortal screams while flying really, and I mean really fucking fast towards you. You scream throwing Rex in front of you.

Bulletproof flys first holding immortal back by his chest. As black Samson holds his arms back pinned behind him.

"Oh you need anger management, immediately!" You yell pointing at him.

"You fucking dim-witted, annoying, insufferable, irritating, waste. Of. Chromosomes." Immortal yells thrashing against his restraints.

"I will eat you and fucking shit you out, like thanksgiving evening, you pedophile!" You scream back while hiding behind Rex again.

"That's enough!" You hear Cecil yell throughout the hq. "I come back and you both are arguing like four year olds, get a grip!"

"He started it." You huff.

"You, shut the fuck up, I've had enough for today." Cecil groans.

"Listen take the day off, relax, you all need it." Cecil says shaking his head. "And clean this place up, it smells like a kids gym and Fritos in here!" He then puts his hand in his pockets disappearing into wherever the fuck he goes.

"Jeez girl, you really know how to tic people off." Rex praises.

I shrug my shoulders. "Learn from the best, one day you will be as good as I." You whisper clapping him on the back.

"Alright! Time for papi to take a shower!" You throw up a peace sign walking down the hall to the locker rooms. You take off your suit looking down at the many bruises and cuts healing before your eyes.

You step into the shower groaning at the feeling of your overworked muscles loosening at the hot water. walking back to your room in the guardian's hq, sighing as your eyes start to droop.

Opening your door you see none other than unicorns and chimichangas all around the walls and bedsheets as well as nyan cat stuffed animals.

It's like if a unicorn fucked el chapo until the sun came up.

You throw on your white heart boxers and a off white T shirt that says 'chimichanga slut' on the front.

You weren't the usual beauty standard, your face has a jagged scar running from your left eye down ur lip and to your jaw. Your left eye was glossed over in a white marble color due to the damage you got from the GDA's tests on making your dumbass super human.

Fucked up isn't it. At least it isn't your whole body that's messed up, shit you couldn't imagine it.

You lay back on your bed pulling up your pink unicorn bed covers. Pulling down your nyan-cat face mask. You laid back falling unconscious to a dreamless sleep.

[villainheart]

DeadpoolxReader [I Can’t Help Believing] Part 1

Hi Reader! Your favorite merc with a mouth here.  I know you’re probably impatient to get to the story, but you’re not here yet. I’ll let you know when you come in. As per most other nights, I was sprawled out on the couch in front of the tv. I need to keep my pop culture knowledge current in order to keep making quips at other people’s expense. There was a night old box of pizza within reach that I was working my way through. Since I let Blind Al go free there has been a definite increase in my amount of pizza consumption. I jumped to my feet and cheered loudly as our boy Leo was called up to the stage to accept his long awaited Oscar, and accidentally upset the pizza box. It threw my last two pieces all over the floor, but I wasn’t too concerned. His speech was interrupted by the phone. I glared at it, removed a gun from its holster and silenced it with two shots. The coffee table it rested on was splintered as well, but it was still standing up so it’s fine. When he was finished speaking I sprawled out on the couch again with my head lying back on my crossed arms. I’m happy for him. Didn’t Chris Evans look sexy in his tux? I wonder if I can get a Captain America cross over next. Bohemian Rhapsody filled the apartment as my cell phone began to ring. “Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality,” I sang to myself as I dug it out. “Deadpool here,” I answered. “One of the guys gave me your number. I need your help,” said a deep male voice. “Give me your story and how much you’re offering.” “It’s my girlfriend. She’s been taken by the Cobras, she’s being held there. I... Well, I might have killed a few guys I shouldn’t have, and they want to get back at me. Boss says if I go over there I’ll be starting a gang war and he’ll torture me and her to death himself so my hands are tied. Will you do it for 2000 bucks?” I mulled it over. It wasn’t going to be a hard job. “Done. Give me the details. I’ll bring you the girl, you have the money.” - Now we’re there. On the outskirts of the city, looking at a middle class house filled with petty gangsters. Yawn. It’s a real white picket fence kind of place; clean, blue, white porch, three stories. I wonder if it belongs to someone’s mom or something. Look, there’s even a footpath of little stones. Definitely someone’s mom’s house. I try the doorknob and it’s unlocked, definitely expecting that pipsqueak to show up. Heh. I always like giving surprises.   I walk in and look around. About 10 seconds, aaaaand here comes the first wave. Two people are shooting at me from a doorway and one from the stairs. A couple bullets go right through me, leaving little holes in my torso, but as you know, reader, that doesn’t slow me down. I shoot all three of them. Bang. Bang. Bang. Okay. Now up the stairs. Ooo, five bedrooms, one bathroom. I wouldn’t want to be part of that line in the morning. The first door reveals a guy lying in bed and watching tv, who clearly wasn’t expecting this. “Hey, you, fucking slacker!” He looks up and I shoot him in the face. Who is he to be relaxing while everyone else is hard at work trying to kill me. I leave the room and see four more guys pouring up the stairs. I shoot the first one before I hear a woman’s voice yelling “Stop. Stop. STOP,” from back down in the hallway. I shrug and hop over the railing, knocking down two of the guys. The force pushes one of them down the stairs under my feet. I smile as his body carries me down, enjoying the clunk clunk clunk his head makes as it bounces off every stair on the way down. I see a woman of 40 or so waving her tattooed arms, “what do you want?!” “Look, I was right! This is someone’s mom’s house!” “I’m not anyone’s fucking mom, this is my gang. And I don’t know who the fuck you are or why you’re killing them.” Well, she certainly has a mouth. She also has a gun in her hand, but it doesn’t look like she’s planning to use it. “Give me the girl, scumbag!” I was planning to use that line this whole time, I’m not letting it go to waste now. “That little fuck hired you, eh,” she shook her head. “I didn’t know we were getting supes involved in these things now.” I followed her into the living room, aaand scene pause. There you are, dear Reader. Sitting on the couch and looking a little shaken up. I know, I know, it’s about time. I’m not going to tell you what you looked like since I don’t technically know that, but I’m confident that you’re super hot. That doesn’t mean a whole lot from a guy who looks like me under the mask, but you’re here to read about me anyway, right? So I’m here to read about you too. Er. Whatever. Now I’m going to pass the narrative off to you, but don’t worry, I’m still here. Scene unpaused. You got a better look at the man now than the red blur you saw earlier. You were shocked that Tommy had sent someone for you, you definitely expected him to show up in a rage and get his stupid ass handed to him. “Okay, well, time to go,” said the man, gesturing to you.   They hadn’t tied you up. In fact, Mercy, the gang leader, had been really quite nice to you. Once she realized you were grateful for their plan she had been a wonderful host. She fed you, and even gave you a handgun which was safely tucked in the back of your jeans. “I don’t want to go,” you said to him. You shot Mercy a glance, “well, I don’t want to stay here either, but I definitely don’t want to go back to him. He’s a shitty boyfriend, who’s been impossible to leave because of the whole belongs to a murderous gang thing.” Despite the mask, you could tell that he raised his eyebrows in a shocked expression. “Well this changes things. How about I bring you back to him. Collect the money. Kill him.” You shug, “it’s not like I had a plan, or have much room to argue.” “It’s settled then, we’re off.” “How about next time we come to this conclusion without leaving dead bodies all over my house,” Mercy said with a long sigh. He had grabbed your wrist and was pulling you out the door. You stepped over the dead bodies in the hallway, trying to avoid the puddles of blood as best you could. You wondered how your life got to a place where you were used to seeing corpses. Whatever radar that made up your boyfriend picker was definitely off. That being said, tonight had felt very surreal for you. To top it off, here was a masked man trying to save you. “Send me the cleaning bill!” He called over his shoulder. “Who are you, anyway?” you ask “Evil Spiderman?” “I fucking wish,” he smiled at this. “Deadpool.”