I flew over by myself, and to be nice, I changed my seat to allow a guy and girl who were traveling with one another to sit by each other. It was mistake number one. The girl had an annoyingly loud voice that avalanched into everyone’s ears through the entire flight. I had first thought she was just nervous and had to talk loudly in order to allow herself to feel in control, and from the way she was talking I realized that she and the guy were not a couple. (This becomes important later.) I also realized that I hate anyone who has to announce their food restrictions repeatedly for no reason, who enjoy the fact of telling people of how they got their piercings rather just to HAVE them and fucking be done with it, and who have messy crappy top buns that they have to constantly adjust. (She was all of these, and reminded me of Arden Rose with her looks and voice volume. The Arden clip was basically the girl for 7 hours at this volume.)
After the first hour, I hoped that the Germans who were angrily glaring at her would rise up and throw her from the plane.
She and her friend proceeded to befriend a flight attendant and helped themselves to glass after glass of wine, and after drunkenly making out when the lights went out, the girl realized she had lost her stuffed animal and used her phone’s flashlight app to shine in people’s sleeping faces trying to locate it. When a perturbed German asked her to please stop, she angrily yelled that it was HER flight, too, and then added, “Por favor...and EXCUSE YOU.” I was so fucking tired, and realized at that point no sleep would be had.
Also, the guy next to me happened to be from Austin, too, and ate a total of FOUR Tic Tac wintergreen boxes back to back (???) while asking me what my husband’s body looked like. (I told him I was married because the questions were getting really weird.) “Is he in shape? Do you like him?”
What? What fucking flight IS this? Get me to Berlin. NOW.
SONG: Deaf Mutations - “Crash the Clubs”