In both my books Cerebral Palsy: ‘A Story’ and ‘Spirituality, Healing and Me’ I write a letter to myself, highlighting different things about what my younger version would say to my adult self. What would your younger version say to your adult self?
How you cope as an adult all depends on how you left your inner child. Our inner child stores memories of our childhood. When anyone lives and deals with trauma in childhood, (and that includes myself) it is our inner child that needs help.
Healing our inner child, helps us heal. When you work through trauma, your inner child can heal and that means you shall have peace. Even with cathartic moments in life, we can still carry trauma.
I try to find the joy in those times; now my purpose is my writing. Through my words, I offer alternative points of view, views that allow for healing whilst fitting the universal brief. I give the reader understanding and offer empathy.
What I write is truth, although that’s often difficult to accept. My words are the world’s truth and as I continue to place energy on my life and I ignore other’s personal expectations of me, I find peace in my world. And you can too.
If you want to know more about healing your inner child, or you’re just looking for more info, or you fancy grabbing your copy, check out this link – https://linktr.ee/Ilana_Estelle
For more inspirational, life-changing blogs, please check out my blog https://www.thecpdiary.com
I was aware of my own issues as a child, but back in the day, I didn’t know it had anything to do with mental health.
But issues shouldn’t be ignored and if they are ignored, they can find us. The way you feel, your mood, your energy, how you function, how your thoughts make you feel. It’s the small changes, or feelings that ‘something isn’t quite right.’
In Covid-19, we can either deal with mental health or we can ignore it, but we may still have to deal with it. Mental health, whether we are aware, or how it may manifest, is something that we may end up having to deal with.
Mental health issues usually start in childhood, but can also happen to anyone at any age. Other signs may include, appetite changes, sleep problems, apathy, depression, being able to concentrate and feeling a certain nervousness.
In Covid-19 Mental Health and Mental Health issues have never been more evident, or more important. Mental Health isn’t something any of us should ignore.
For more inspirational, life-changing blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com
My personal thoughts on my disability are never far away and is the reason I’m putting out another personal blog today.
The anxiety I deal with is centred around autism and is another issue I didn’t know I had. It’s something I’m going to have to deal with and manage for the rest of my natural life. It was also something I was going to have to learn for myself. That much was made clear.
What gets me is that as parents, it’s our job to help our children; our children’s worries should be our worries. As parents regardless of our own issues, it's important we carry our children’s issues and worries, rather than expecting our children to carry their issues and worries for themselves. The irony is that worries turn into issues if they're not dealt with.
When I look back I can see all of my struggles including my disability and can’t quite get to grips with the enormity of being left to sort those out for myself. I also have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my bad thoughts could have been made easier had that have been taken on board, or why I could never escape bad thoughts.
Getting the neurological and psychological help as a child will have paved may way into a less fractious life. With the help I would have had the right tools in place for me to deal with my anxieties and school. I remember my struggles as if they were yesterday. Knowing what I know now about having ASD simply ticks another box.
Put me in a group conversation with four people and I’ll grasp one of those conversations. Put me in a class of 37 children which is what it was and I’ll grasp and learn nothing. Everyone knew about my struggles that’s where the story ends. But those were my realities. It would also explain why I was discharged at 15 from the hospital, my doctors citing ‘there’s nothing more they can do.’
I reconcile, by telling myself my website exists because of my life that I couldn’t write without my experiences. My experiences tell my story, through an unfiltered lens and as bizarre as my story is, it needed to be told.
For more inspirational, lifestyle blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com
My experiences are never far away. When it comes to dealing with, living with, or having narcissists in our midst, it’s important we stop thinking we could have done things differently.
Instead, it’s important we come to terms with the fact that our lives will never work out differently, or that we in some way could have changed our lives. That can never happen. If it did happen, we wouldn’t be dealing with a narcissist.
To think we can change the reality is to live in denial on the facts we have in front of us. When it comes to living with a narcissistic, all we can do is manage our lives around them. Whilst we continue to think we can change our reality, we stop living our lives elsewhere.
But dealing with narcissists means we must come to understand the people behind their actions. It is thought that family history, environmental factors and a child’s upbringing is usually responsible for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”) as it’s known. NPD is also thought to be brought about through unhealthy relationships and people’s feelings of inadequacy.
Not everyone who is a narcissist will know or understand they have the condition, therefore they’re less likely to be open to anything constructive. They’ll just take what we say as criticism.
For those living with or being around someone with the disorder, it’s not something you can change, unless the person with the disorder recognises the condition for themselves and decides they want help. It’s not for us to change that person, but instead we must offer empathy, because that’s something they will need help with for them to develop and manage meaningful relationships.
For ourselves, it’s important we learn to cope and manage our relationship with them. It’s also important we keep feelings in check and not rush in or be judgmental or critical. It is not possible to bargain or trade with a narcissist, instead we must stand firm and recognise that person’s traits, so we don’t end up being like them.
Narcissism is abuse that can attract more abuse if not handled appropriately. But it is important we continue to keep our own identity throughout the relationship. Narcissists can make us feel as though we’re the ones letting them down.
But it’s easy for those without the condition to want to fight back, because they feel they’re being abused and victimised, but retaliation and further abuse doesn’t help. We can’t bargain or trade with a narcissist. Instead it’s important we find ways to react appropriately. For us to stand by our own convictions, to understand and empathise.
For more inspirational, lifestyle blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com
The Dozer did develop jealousy of his younger brother after a few months. He soon realized that he no longer had exclusive rights to bully Mummy and he became rather indignant about it. However, I believe we've pretty much come a long way since then and here are some of my personal stories to share.
Jealousy does not equal dislike
After The Dozer had gotten over his initial apprehension over this "strange new thing in my house who is my brother (what is brother?)", he absolutely looked forward to his brother. Till now, he excitedly bounces into our room every morning looking for his Di Di (and unfortunately waking him up in the process), and he loves having him around and playing with him.
His exuberance is really adorable to witness and now that Baby Junior is 8 months and able to comprehend pretty well, he actually CHUCKLES and waves his arms excitedly whenever he sees his older brother coming to him. It's really too cute!
Jealousy however, happens when he feels that we’re giving too much attention to Baby Junior and ignoring him. However, once we’ve gotten over the jealous moment, you’ll see the both of them happily playing with each other in the next moment! That’s why, it’s important to note that being jealous doesn’t mean that he dislikes his sibling.
Being the youngest doesn't mean you always win
When both kids are crying, my natural tendency is to rescue the younger one first. Needless to say, this triggered the jealousy syndrome big time and The Dozer would cry even louder, followed by a major tantrum. Since then, I've learnt to establish the reason for their cries. The kid who is in genuine distress would get my attention first. I would be lying if I say that this is THE magic solution but it has certainly made dealing with the aftermath easier.
For instance, say Baby Junior has tumbled down and is lying on the floor crying. The Dozer can't fix his Lego piece on and starts screaming. I would first rescue Baby Junior then after settling both kids, I will explain to The Dozer why Mummy had to rescue Di Di first.
Sometimes Baby Junior is fussing because he's bored with the toy he's been playing with. I usually ignore him if that's the case and rescue his older brother first. Kids understand logic too so being the youngest doesn't mean you should always get your way and it definitely helps with reducing jealousy!
Mummy has to learn to be fair, which means...
...if Baby Junior gets a biscuit, so does The Dozer...
...and if Baby Junior gets to eat apples, so does The Dozer...
...and if Baby Junior gets to eat baby porridge, so does The Dozer.
Wait, why is The Dozer eating baby porridge???
Never mind, it's nutritious and good for him too and since he wants it and really no harm done at all, just cook extra so both boys get to eat and be happy.
On the flip side of the coin, it also means that I have to be stern in reminding The Dozer that it isn't just about enjoying the same privileges as his brother. It's also about SHARING what he has with his brother. That way, he gets the idea that Mummy and Daddy love both me and Di Di.
Repeat, and then repeat again
So I've learnt that just like postpartum women, 2-year-olds have the memory of a goldfish. On good days, The Dozer will ask me to help his brother when he hears Baby Junior crying. On bad days, he throws a major tantrum presumably because he's forgotten that Mummy loves him too. It's during times like these that I have to repeat and keep repeating that "Mummy loves both you and Di Di the same."
The other thing which I've been repeating (poor Dozer must think Mummy is very irritating), is that he is the older brother who needs to love and take care of his brother! My theory: if it doesn't come naturally, brainwash them. Muahaha.
What have my strategies yielded me thus far?
These days, I’m seeing more of the following:
- When Baby Junior starts whimpering in new surroundings, The Dozer will rush to pat him to reassure him
- When Baby Junior cries, The Dozer will rush to hug him (and usually topple him over in the process) and tell him, “Kor Kor is here.” Even when he isn’t with us, this happens too! Once I left the kids with my parents and they told me that this was what happened.
- Both kids love each other’s company and once it’s bedtime, I often have to put my stern foot down else they’ll keep laughing and playing with each other instead of sleeping.
So, to all of you who are expecting your second one or are going through sibling jealousy issues, don’t worry! Constant demonstration of your love for both kids and communicating the right messages will get you through that phase! Because that’s what it really is. Just a phase.
As an ex-expatriate and management consultant in an international firm, Grace was a career-minded woman on a fast-track path in the corporate world. The birth of her first child changed her perspectives in entirety, and she made the life-changing decision of becoming a stay-at-home mum. In addition to being one of Malaysia’s top digital influencers on Nuffnang’s Bloggerati list, she is a Dr. Sears Certified Health Coach and also runs a business providing organic and chemical-free grains for babies and toddlers from 6 months onwards.
