#dear severus

[glacierberries]

every time severus gets a letter from lucius, he subconsciously traces lucius' signature with his forefinger

[beautifulmenace]

Dear Severus, I am done. This is it, I can’t do this anymore. You brought something so good to my life, something so twisted but beautiful and yes, you made me so happy. Yes I love you. Yes I think about you every stupid night and I cry sometimes still. Sometimes I can’t breathe. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real but I know it happened which sometimes makes everything worse because it means you really did leave me and you really did break me. I don’t get like this over people, I move on. I do it all the time. I let things go but I couldn’t let you go and it’s killing me. I’ve never felt so scared and vulnerable and lost in my life and that’s your fault. You did this to me. You took everything away; you took the good out of my life when you walked away and said goodbye.

I was in love with James, did you know that? Yes. Quite a lot actually but not anymore because of you. You almost killed the boy I loved. He’s my best friend and you almost killed him and I should hate you. But I don’t. There shouldn’t be a choice between you and James. Because I should always choose James. But I wouldn’t. I just want to feel good again, to feel whole. You took a part of me away and now it’s like there’s a dark twisting black hole inside me, slowly destroying me day by day. And I’m not strong enough to do this. I just wanted to feel beautiful again and laugh and smile. Even drinking doesn’t numb it anymore, it only heightens the pain but it’s so much worse because I can’t remember why it hurts. I just know it does. All I can do is feel it eating away at me and I just want it to stop. I need it to stop. I hate you. And I want to forget you ever came into my life because you did nothing but make your way into my heart and then tear it up leaving me with nothing. Love Rita ps. I can’t hate you.

[beautifulmenace]

Dear Severus,

This is the third full letter I’ve managed to write, the rest are just inky bits of scrunched up parchment because what can I say? I wish you hadn’t almost killed James? I wish you hadn’t left me? I wish I hadn’t met you? No matter what I think, it’s never entirely true and since I’m not sending these what would be the point in lying. I used to think I’d never lie to you because I gave you a part of me that no one else had. But everything I write is partly a lie. I want you to come back but I don’t. I want to hate you but I don’t. I want to tell you I love hate you. I can’t think straight anymore and I don’t want to. What was I to you? I know that in the beginning it was just supposed to be nothing but that changed for me. Did you even care? Was I just some sort of fall back for Lily? Maybe I shouldn’t be hurt by that because she’s Lily Evans isn’t she. She’s the nice one, she’s beautiful and kind. She wouldn’t annoy you or hurt you and you’ve known her since you were kids. How am I going to compete with that? I’m just some pathetic slut someone you slept with. What do I matter?

I don’t know why I keep asking questions when I know I can’t have answers. My mum wrote me a letter. I never told you about her but that’s pretty much the boldest and most outlandish gesture she’s ever performed. I said I’ll got to her wedding, it’ll probably be the most I’ll see her since I was six. I’m scared I guess but it’ll be good to get closure. I never told you about a lot of things but I guess you didn’t want to know. It’s okay, everyone else left me too, they didn’t want me.

I got another tattoo. A snake. On my foot.

I miss you don’t want to see you again. Love, Rita

And she placed the third fully written letter into the box under her bed.

[beautifulmenace]

Dear Severus, I’m completely insane for writing this aren’t I? It’s not like I’m going to send them and even if I did where the hell would I send them to? Still, I’m writing anyway. You never seemed to mind I was a crazy bitch. So James is getting better. He’s still bleeding from his wounds but he’ll be fine and back to being a dictator on the Quidditch Pitch- I know Marlene’s missed that. I couldn’t look at him without thinking about you, about how you’d done that to him. Because of me. You’re not a killer Severus, you’re not a bad person either you just try so bloody hard to be. I wish you could have talked to me. I haven’t been doing so well. Actually, I’ve been shit. But I don’t know what to say when people ask what’s wrong because it’s too cliché to say you everything. I don’t remember what I did, one night, I just remembering drinking a lot and then everything went sort of grey, I was scared and you weren’t there. I spoke to Thorfin Rowle. I know, right? I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I still try to talk to Brutus because he reminds me of you, he is your roommate he’s such a nice guy. But I don’t feel anything anymore. I don’t know when you’ll be back; I don’t even know if I want you to come back I do. Love, Rita

[beautifulmenace]

Dear Severus,

Okay so it’s been a few days since you’ve been gone. At least I think it has, I may have been drinking far too much lately and not for fun. I just want to forget everything. But at the same time I don’t want to forget you because you made me so happy. I know we could never have worked in reality but we still had now. We could have had that time, together. Me and you and our cat. I went down to the lake this morning and read your letter and cried. It seems to surreal that we even happened but I know we did because it was real. We were real. You did an evil thing. And you have to know that I love James. But I think I love you too. You can be so much more than what people expect of you. I know you’re more than just a sadistic bastard who hates dancing, you have so much more to offer. I just want you to come home. I want you to come back so I can go out while you bring me home, I want you to make me laugh and try to resist my wit and charisma. I want you to kiss me again, and make it feel right when it’s wrong. You have no idea how much this hurts. You left me, didn’t even say goodbye. I miss you. Love, Rita.

She finished writing it before scrunching it up and throwing it at the corner of the room, she wanted to scream and cry and throw something at the stupid fucking wall. She didn’t know why she’d written it, maybe she thought if she wrote it down it would all make sense. That she’d realise she was being stupid and let go. But, she couldn’t let go. She closed her eyes and wished everything away.