#dearandrew

[dearmattheww]

- fin

i said goodbye to andrew for the final time.

its finally done. relieving, and sad.

i wont be able to reach out to him again,

and, more importantly, he cant reach me.

im so grateful that i am strong enough to ask for what i need

and walk away with kindness when i dont get it.

i also know what love feels like

and i wont wait for something that feels thin, weak.

so, so long,

and thanks for all the fish.

[dearmattheww]

- you sound different

it feels like hearing an old story

its so comforting and familiar,

and when I was a child I reached for it often,

but its not what i want to read anymore.

its still so good to hear from you.

its nice to know that after all this time,

you still think im a good person.

[dearmattheww]

- this is not love

Hearing from you after the week that I've had,

Felt like a blast of icy air.

It was so easy for me to push you to the side.

"I'm not ok with us not working out and I wasn't willing to deal with my emotions".

I was willing to deal with them, I was willing for months.

And you burnt me out.

I cried, asking you for more, asking you for proof, for change.

I don't think it's love

Since when I left

I felt relieved.

[dearmattheww]

- time waster

I don't want to love someone

just because they love me.

I want to love someone

who knows how to make fireworks

who revels in their colour and chaos

and sets them off

just for me

every day.

[dearmattheww]

- learning to speak up

how do I say what I need

and what was wrong

without feeling like

I said too much?

[dearmattheww]

- scared

What do you do

when you look at someone

and feel warm, and whole and loved?

[dearmattheww]

- I want to experience this life with you.

roadtrips

small fights

a supporter

always in my corner

the highs and lows

someone who sees the goodness in me, and has chosen that despite everything else, it's enough

[dearmattheww]

- friends

he is speaking to me

and responding to me

like i'm just a friend.

i hate this

because it's exactly what i want,

but not at the same time.

i want to live in a world

where he is here

or i am there

and everything can be easy.

but

we don't.