#deathofasibling

[embersofandrew]

Intro

A little over a year ago I suddenly lost my brother. 

At 26 years old, his heart just stopped. And didn’t start again. They tried.

It’s been hard. I thought I was fine, everyone thinks I’m coping well.

But I don’t really think I am. And then there’s everything else in life that’s kind of fucking up any of my coping. So. there’s that. 

Anyway. This is an outlet for me. Read it. Don’t read it. Maybe I’ll stop posting one day if I start feeling better. 

[dannysbigsister]

For six years I have awoken on my birthday with the single, clear thought pulsing through my heart, "in 6 days, Daniel will die, and there is nothing I can do about it". Today, it has been 7 years since my little brother died, and I will share my birthday with him for the rest of my life. For 7 years I have remained mostly silent, unable to talk about him or my grief. This year feels different, the hardness and anger in my chest have softened and I finally feel ready to speak. But I don't know what to say or where to start. Where do I even start? This photo is from our last family vacation with Daniel, taken August 4th, 2009. We had just arrived at the lake house, and Dan and I went down to say hello to the lake. We walked quietly down the long stone stairs together. He walked out onto the doc and I stayed back and sat on the stone wall and watched him. I remeber thinking, "we are adults now", and wondering what life will be like as we grow old together. In the following years, I would return to the lake only two more times. Once, the following year, for my brothers memorial and to scatter his ashes. And second, to do the same for our Grandpa in 2011. After that, my family sold the house and we have not taken a family vacation together since.

[dannysbigsister]

His birthday is tomorrow.

Sitting alone at a dive sushi bar, cying into my lunch. Tomorrow is Dan’s birthday and I am lonely. He would be 32. Instead he is frozen in my heart at 25. It will be 7 years this August. I find no comfort in counting the years, it's a compulsion. The numbers feel meaningless. Time passes, and I move forward whether I want to or not. How do I keep moving? Where do I go from here? How do I continue without you?

[dannysbigsister]

In six days...

August 13th, 2014

For the last five years, I have awoken on my birthday with a single clear thought ringing through me,

“In six days, my brother will die, and there is nothing that I can do about it.”

Then I lay in total stillness and silence, and wait.

[dannysbigsister]

Six Years

August 19th, 2015

Six years ago today, at around 9 a.m., my dad called and said that he had bad news. I got up from my desk at work and strode quickly to the balcony exit for privacy. As I walked, my mind raced with the names of family members in their late 80’s and early 90’s, or my cat Tiger, who was 20 years old. Who could it be? And as I reached for the glass door my dad said my little brother’s name. “Daniel, Daniel died this morning -” And I couldn’t hear what he said after that because the white noise was deafening. I tumbled out of the door and collapsed onto the balcony, into the warm and blissfully unaware Los Angeles summer. There was a sharp unbearable pain in my chest, unlike anything I had ever felt before. My blood burned inside my veins. My knees buckled, and my legs gave out underneath me.  In that moment, the world stopped spinning and I knew exactly what it felt like to have my soul ripped from my body. I was screaming.

The rest of that day is still burnt into my brain. Every moment clear, and vivid. I will recount it at another time. For now it is enough to say, phone calls were made, and I flew home to Maynard, MA that evening on a red eye.

And then my life fell apart.

If you know me now, you know that I am the very model of a functioning adult. It has taken me these six years to rebuild up my foundation and put myself back together. Brick by brick. But there is a hole, a space left open for him. I have not been able to talk about my brother for years. I am almost there. Maybe next year. Ask me about Dan next year.

[dannysbigsister]

Five Years

August 19th, 2014

Five years, today, a life time ago, just yesterday, tomorrow, another year, and on.

It has been five years since my little brother, Daniel passed away. Five years and I can almost touch some of my fondest memories without the grip of grief catching hold of me. It feels like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it feels like it happened just yesterday. Letting go of my grief is the single hardest thing I have ever done. At times my grief is personal and feels like my only tether to a world and a time when he existed. Tomorrow is just like any other day, the beginning of another year without him. While we cannot create new memories with him, he is always in our hearts, and we carry him with us into the future, and on and on.