Dear Anna,
I doubt you'll ever find this, and I'm quite alright with that. I feel that sending things to you is just going to make you feel bad, and myself feel dumb for acting in such a pathetic manner. I do have things I'd like to say though, so yelling them into the void of the internet seems like a good compromise.
I still can't believe how much I miss you. It's been nearly a year since we first met (I know it wasn't really meeting but it was the first time we really talked to each other). I remember how that first two weeks or so, I went around to all my friends and told them with this stupid grin on my face that I had a crush and they'd ask who and then I'd just start in on all the things I loved about you. I'd usually show them one of your videos too, just because your singing was something else entirely to me. It felt like it came from a higher state of being.
I still listen to your songs sometimes. And they even make me feel good sometimes. Other times, though, I just feel that heart wrenching feeling again. The one I got from your email.
There's a part of me that wants to be mad at you for just being... The way that you are. The way you made me feel was just so purely happy and accepted and trusting. I've recently entered into another relationship with another young woman and she is an absolutely wonderful person. No mental issues like some of my previous partners, she has my sense of humor, she's smart, and pretty, and she even knows all about my mental issues and is fine with it.
But she isn't you.
I know it doesn't make sense. I know that we only saw each other for a short while. I know I should be over you by now. So why is it that I'm not?
You told me at the end that we could possibly get back together in the future, once things in you had been sorted out. And I love thinking of that at times, but it's a dangerous game to be playing I think.
I wonder sometimes if you felt anywhere nearly as strong as I did. Did you really mean it that night when you said you loved me for the first time? Did (or do) you even know what love feels like? I think I have an idea but I don't have any way of knowing. I do know that you're the closest thing I've ever had to it.
I need to stop before my brain explodes for tonight. Perhaps I'll be able to pick this up again at a later time.
Good night, sweet dreams, and always remember you are loved.
-Quite possibly a version of Rudy to your Liesl
