Looking
The aftermath of a broken relationship always leads me to analyzing and reanalyzing the final moments of it. There’s always a question of “whose fault it was or where had it started to wilt?” As time goes by, you read articles who answers those question. I tell myself, it could be either side’s fault, I mean -- you cannot put the blame on the guy alone (or the girl) just because it didn’t work out. There are always two sides; in our case it’s three. (I laugh).
Sometimes I feel like I tell our story over and over again. People always push me to be in a relationship (like it’s that easy). Nowadays, I find life easy and smooth-going but people (who probably know better than me) think it’s time to settle down.
When I think about it, I always feel afraid of how it’s going to be like.
You know--waking up super early for the kids, pleasing your husband, knowing how to cook, probably work 2 to 3 jobs just to get by,pleasing your husband’s parents --and friends. I know marriage has a lot of ups and downs. It takes a strong stomach to go thru it all and probably needing the best partner for it.
That being said, I’m not interested in getting into relationships that I know will not last. I’m picky for a very good reason. I’d hate to waste time for the wrong one.
It has been more than 5 years since my last relationship. Now that he’s married, I still ask myself the same questions. Why do I ask the same questions even though I know the answer? Why do I always need to reassure myself thinking he won’t forget me and vice versa? I am not expecting anything but I keep thinking. I can’t even imagine myself with him. Regardless of how my thoughts contradict themselves. I am sure that our chapter will never be erased from my memory. The scent, songs and broken promises are forever engraved in my heart no matter how I wanted to be over with it.
I somewhat feel resigned. You know how it feels like the battle is already lost?
You have to think of a way--to have your own beginning. To live the life you’ve always dreamed of, but get lost on the way to it somehow.
There are so many what ifs.