#decbad

[j-in-the-north]

31. Congrats! You made it to the end of 2018. What do you most love about yourself today? What did you learn about yourself this year? How did you grow/change?

I'm really don't want to do this one. But I'll do it. And hope that shithead tumblr doesn't lose it.

Ugh...I really don't want to do this. What I like the most is that I have a deep desire to be kinder and better. Not than anyone else, just kinder and better to others. I also happen to really like my feet so there's two things.

Learn? Well I learned that I have a lot of complex repeated trauma, and that I have a voice even if I don't use it. I did once this year and did not die from the effort.

I'm really not sure that I have grown, to be honest I feel like I am worse. But I have changed the way I blog. And in my life I've stopped trying to get people to change their minds about things. I am not the crusader, others are better suited to that. I am more honest about not being okay.

[j-in-the-north]

30. Memorable New Year’s Eve

I've wanted to answer this since I first read it. Tumblr destroyed the first one. I cannot recreate it. There's no way. It came from my heart and went in a deep and meaningful direction. So you get this stupid memory instead.

I was violently ill with the flu and walked for 30 mins to a 7-11 because I wanted Doritos and Vics Vapor Rub, the first one didn't have the Doritos I wanted and the store staff was a total bitch and wouldn't check in the back even though I just watched the guy drop an order off. I even said I'd wait the time till she got it out, I used to work at 7-11 so I know how it works, she said they didn't order any (of their most popular flavor) what a crock of shit. So I walked another 30 mins in -40 and spent double what I would have spent at the next 7-11 then walked back to her store showed her how much I would have spent and then went back home and spent the night alone with my fucking junk food which didn't make me feel better and cried in my bag of Doritos...the following day I was there and they had the Doritos so yeah she was being a bitch.

[j-in-the-north]

29. What have you learned from the blog a day prompts?

I'm not sure how to answer. I don't know about learning. I do know it's changing how I blog. I used to reblog like crazy because honestly I felt like I had nothing to write or create that would garner attention or please people and truthfully I used to get more likes from my reblogs. Now that I moved them to @dawnalog I get very few on both and that's fine. It's nice to go through my other blogs and see things I like. Plug for @chewbaccamywookiee for those who love star wars. I have a comic one but I'm not active on it. I'd really like to get that going as I feel it'll give me a better catalogue of what comics I have than any other system can and won't cost me a fortune. But this blog I've turned into mostly answering the blog a days from our lovely @healingheartonthefloor and I believe the prompts are helping me. It's completely changed the way I blog. It's completely changed my perception of things. I just wish I had more time to read others responses and I really wish I could devote a ton of time to writing here and on paper, not for any attention or money or fame but to get over this fear of people reading what I'm thinking and to write about my life or things I want to create. To just write. But it is becoming more and more difficult when you're constantly under attack for writing something simple. For example I wrote two different things on facebook and was flooded with articles and the shoving of agendas and wrong doing in my face. Social media is an ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY horrible awful shit show. Even here. It's not just facebook. While I agree it all has benefits I feel as though I would do much better without it. But then I look at who I've been able to meet or connect with and hope that somehow I have made an impression, a kind one, a good one, left them better than I found them. I'm not always these things, in fact I know I mostly am not, but I will keep trying.

[defiantly-geeky]

December Blog a day

31. Congrats! You made it to the end of 2018. What do you most love about yourself today? What did you learn about yourself this year? How did you grow/change?

Yes, yes I made it. There were times earlier in the year where it was a bit questionable.

I guess I love the fact that I’m loyal to family and friends and will do anything I can to help them. I love that I’ve grown and changed in the last few months.

I learned that I was angrier and more closed off than I realised--guess I was good at faking it, cus most other people thought I was nice and kind (which I could be, I guess). I learned that the love from friendship can be as fulfilling as romantic love (though I’d like to give it a try). I learned that I can trust again and that telling some of my darkest secrets can be good...and that I won’t be hated or judged for them. I learned that being loved is something I CAN be...despite my thoughts to the contrary.

I also learned I can talk on the phone to the same person for 6.5 hours...and still have stuff to say to them...

I opened up, became less angry; I’m practicing living in the now (its the only time we have) and to let go when shit pisses me off...now I just need to get to the point where I head off those feelings before they start.

Thank you for everything. I have no complaints.

[defiantly-geeky]

December Blog a day

30. Memorable New Year’s Eve

Don’t really have any. I usually just stay home and watch movies or am on the computer.

Yes, I lead such an exciting life....

[j-in-the-north]

28. What are you looking forward to?

Absofuckinglutely nothing.

[defiantly-geeky]

December blog a day

29. What have you learned from the blog a day prompts?

That I like having something to blog about each day (or sometimes a couple things if I miss one or two and do a catch up).

That I don’t always view the questions the same way other people do...yeah, I go and check the tags cus sometimes I like to see other folks’ answers to things.

And, this I already knew, I like to talk about myself a little bit.lol

Thanks to @healingheartonthefloor for doing this for us all! :D

[defiantly-geeky]

December Blog a day

28. What are you looking forward to?

January blog a day? lol  No, I am. I enjoy doing these, makes me post something almost every day (sometimes I miss and double up).

The rest of my days off (back to work Thursday); March break and summer break.

Personal/spiritual development: continuing what I’ve started. I like being able to not react to things that would’ve absolutely made me rage before. It doesn’t happen often atm, but the more I practice it the easier it’ll be. I want to be able to love people even if I don’t like them--hate does nothing good for us. I want to change even more into a better person. It won’t happen over night, but every little bit helps.