And these sick morons are in charge of health and security for America. I feel healthier and safer just reading the above..lol trump sure knows how to pick them ! Don't forget about the trumpstein files!
Meet People Where They Are is one of the mottos of harm reduction. It means not only physically showing up to people where they are at and offering education and tools, but the phrase can also be applied metaphorically - it means meeting someone at the mindset they are operating from, meeting them at where they are operating. It means working from an open perspective and showing up for folks without judgement.
Any Possible Positive Change means just that. If a person is engaging with activities that may be risky, like having unprotected sex, as a harm reductionist I will offer them education and supplies that may help them to make a different choice. I am not going to tell them what that choice needs to be; I am just going to offer the education about risks and about options to reduce risk, and leave it up to the person to make their own choices about what changes they may make. For example, using a condom some of the time, or with some people, is less risky than never using a condom.
Nothing About Us Without Us - Peer Leadership This phrase is held true and dear by many communities including disability rights, sex worker rights, and the Harm Reduction movement. What these communities have in common is that they hold peer leadership as a central value. What this means is that people with lived experience of drug use, sex work, and often unhoused life, for instance, are central to the movement. Legislation and organizational structure and movement values all inform the input and vantage points of folks with lived experience.”
I have two parts?? (Still struggling with what to call them for me because I don’t like headmate or alter) that have contrasting ideas with how they want the body to look/present. It usually gives the other gender dysphoria when they have control so I’m kinda at a loss for how to resolve this conflict because right now they are fighting and I just have constant gender dysphoria. What would you suggest for trying to resolve conflict where each part has opposing needs (they both tend to overhaul appearance at any chance they get in front, they are both trying to prove that they are the “real” version of the body)
I'm going to give you a very specific answer related to gender and transition first, then some more general ideas for working through similar conflicts of needs.
Gender
We've been in this situation. Many of us were uncomfortable with our assigned sex and gender, but not all of us. Some of us felt mostly or fully comfortable in our body pre-transition. Others were deeply dysphoric. Opinions varied about what changes we wanted to make, when we wanted to make them, and how far we wanted to take our transition.
Deciding what steps we wanted to take involved a lot of discussion. Our "open topics" 3-ring binder originally came into existence for this purpose: we wrote back and forth to each other to figure out what we could all live with. It was easier to have this kind of deep conversation in writing, as it gave us time and space to fully explore our feelings around gender as it relates to our body. These discussions went on for one to two years before we pursued any changes.
In particular, we asked each other some questions:
Which body parts cause you the worst dysphoria (or most euphoria)? Why?
What makes you feel (gender)?
What body parts do you not particularly care about?
If this specific body characteristic changed, would you be able to tolerate that, or would it be a major problem?
What are your hard limits for transition? What is absolutely off the table? Why?
What are you willing to consider allowing if it helps the rest of us?
Is there a way that we could temporarily "undo" some changes that might be dysphoric for you (e.g. stuffed bras or prosthetic breasts)? Would that be acceptable?
Are there any temporary changes that we could make (e.g. packing) that would be just as acceptable as permanent equivalents (bottom surgery)?
When we did start taking concrete steps to transition, we made a point of checking in with each other frequently about any feelings related to the changes we made. If there had been major protests or concerns, then we would have paused to address them and changed our plan if needed.
Slowing down when possible can be helpful. You may find low-dose hormones beneficial if you expect to need more time to discuss and adapt to changes. We went with full dose, but if we were to do this again, we would ask for low dose to allow more time to decide what we liked and what we didn't.
If possible, consider "trial runs" of permanent changes before committing to them. Try a binder or bra. Pack or tuck. Try a voice changing tool or experiment with voice training to see what your voice may sound like if it changes. Use mascara to create facial hair or makeup to erase it. Wear shaped clothing to emulate body fat redistribution. These temporary changes can make it a lot easier to test whether a permanent change would actually be tolerable for all of you. If anyone raises concerns, then listen to those concerns and try to find agreement (or at least consent) before proceeding.
Also consider that you do not have to transition to a single binary gender. You may be able to arrange for a fluid presentation or androgynous shape that can be styled to be more feminine, masculine, or androgynous as needed. This can be a workable compromise for some systems.
You may benefit from taking some time to experiment and learn what affects strangers' gendering of your body. Clothing styling and body language make a large difference in presentation. Glasses chains, a head cap, increased voice pitch modulation, and frequent gesturing consistently get us gendered as female even if we have stubble that day, whereas taking off the cap, smoothing out our voice pitch, and changing our body language can shift the same outfit to be gendered as masculine. Carrying an accessory or two can make a difference in some cases.
Find compromises and agree where you can. In our case, some changes were kept off-limits to satisfy the folks who were comfortable in our body pre-transition, and that seemed to work well for preventing serious dysphoria for them. Some changes can be temporarily hidden or undone, such as shaving off facial hair, which also satisfies the needs of those here who find those changes dysphoric for them- they only allowed those changes when we came up with ways to manage them.
In the end, those of us who were worried about transition are less worried now that we are at our current endpoint for it. Some of them have made their own gender realizations. Others remain the same gender, but with a different relationship to gendered traits than before. Surprisingly, one of the women here has embraced her own level of genderfuck that we did not know she had and is now arguing for the bottom surgery that she initially rejected. That's a topic of open discussion again. You may find that you and your fellow system members grow more or less comfortable with various changes as you go through with transition.
Conflicts of Needs
Consensus decision making is a group process for making decisions. Importantly, it often asks for unanimous agreement on a decision; however, it defines "agreement" more broadly than the usual idea that everyone must actively prefer the choice being made.
To reach a decision, everyone must at minimum agree that they could tolerate a decision being made. They do not have to like or prefer it, but they must be willing to live with or contribute to the outcome. This is much, much more workable for group decisions where members may have very different priorities or preferences about the outcome.
When voting on a decision, members can express one of a few stances. From the above link:
Agreement with the proposal: ‘I support the proposal and am willing to help implement it.’
Reservations: You are willing to let the proposal go ahead but want to make the group aware you aren’t happy with it. You may even put energy into implementing it once your concerns have been acknowledged.
Stand aside: You want to object, but not block the proposal. This means you won’t help to implement the decision, but you are willing for the group to go ahead with it. (...) A critical question is whether the proposal requires everyone to implement it.
Block: A block always stops a proposal from going ahead. It expresses a fundamental objection. It isn’t “I don’t really like it,” or “I liked the other idea better.” (...) In an ideal consensus process a block wouldn’t happen since any major concerns about a proposal should be addressed before the decision stage. However, sometimes people aren’t able to express their concerns clearly enough, or aren’t heard by the group. In such situations the block acts as a safeguard to ensure that decisions are supported by everyone.
You may not be able to get full, enthusiastic agreement from your entire system if you have different needs. What you can aim for is full consent to allow or implement the decision, even if some members of the group do not prefer the outcome.
What matters most is that no one strongly objects to or feels harmed by the outcome. If someone is expressing concerns that a decision will hurt them or that they will not be able to live with it, then you may want to stop and rework your decision into something that your entire system can tolerate. Leaving one person to deal with a truly intolerable outcome can do a lot of damage to their ability to trust you, and it will often have unexpected negative consequences. One person's problem can quickly become the entire system's problem.
If your group is particularly large, then consensus decision making can still be modified to work for you.
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Aside from consensus decision making, I would strongly encourage you to look into the reasons behind system members' behaviors. If they are struggling for control in ways that hurt each other, then what is driving that? Why is that drive there in the first place? Are there other ways to meet those needs that do not harm other system members?
You mention that your system members are trying to prove that they are the "real" version of your body. What are they afraid would happen if they were not the "real" version? Where do those fears come from? Can those fears be addressed in other ways?
Try to understand and find compassion for each other. You do not have to share the same opinions, but you likely do need to live with each other. It's much easier to share a life if you're able to understand why your system members behave the way they do, and it's much easier to work with them if you're able to approach them with curiosity or compassion instead of fear or hostility. Understanding reduces fear. Try to see their perspective.
