decnikov said: Sweetheart me and you are going to have a chat when I get home from Zara’s. Prep yourself for emotion, revelation, and the sound of me stirring a lot of tea. S'all about you tonight okay? I’m gonna help you through this shit. You get no way in this.
what time will you be getting back from Zara’s (my time) because i’m gonna be up all night and then i have school (another thing i need to rant about to you) so i won’t be home until noon my time and i’ll be tired tired tired. i’d love this though. love love love.
i’ve been thinking of telling him that we should take a break so i have time to kind of think about it for a bit because lately i haven’t really been feeling it, y’know?
it’s been 3 years and i feel like there’s a disconnect. i feel like he doesn’t really get me, and he doesn’t know how to handle me when i’m depressive/manic. he tries to understand, he really does. but when i explain to him how i’m feeling he kind of brushes it off or ignores it or tells me what i want to hear. “it’s okay the weather is getting nicer you’ll feel better then,” is not a valid thing to say to someone like me.
i wish i could talk to him about everything but it’s gotten to a point where i need to be with someone who gets me and gives me what i crave. when i talked about my issues within the relationship with him last week he said, “it sounds like you’re making up excuses to break up with me.” and i’m not! i’m telling you all the things that i’m unhappy with in the relationship and i want you to listen and understand and work with me to fix them!!
and there’s an aspect of physical touch? i realize that my ex (holla) kind of spoiled with me that. whenever we were close he’d always be touching me/caressing my leg/have his arm around me/rub my back/etc. (he’d also remind me daily how much he loved me and actually fucking talk to me and tell me what his thoughts were) and i’ve never really had that with nick. i feel like i want more and he isn’t giving it to me. i need a deeper connection and speaking of things that need to be deeper, we only fuck like once a month.
and i’ve been thinking, “is it me? am i just too much for this kid to handle?” and i think that’s spot-on. i think he can’t keep up with my streams of consciousness and i overwhelm him with topics and discussions and in return i get nothing. once when i was particularly manic i stayed up all night and kept him awake and talked about how i’d felt. i said something like, “do you ever think of ways to kill yourself?” and he started crying and telling me that he doesn’t like to hear me talking about things like that and that he never wants to lose me. he mentioned that he’ll never understand the way my mind works but that it’s something he wants to keep.
i just want more. i want him to talk to me and tell me what he’s thinking and give me real answers to the questions i ask him. he’s short and dismissive and he doesn’t know how to treat a woman. never once has he opened a door for me or pulled out my chair (which is dumb i know but these tiny things add up and i think i deserve to have someone care for me like that) and he doesn’t treat me like his fucking girlfriend. i feel like to him i’m just another buddy of his except he gets to have sex with me (not often!!) whenever he feels like it.
i don’t know. i love him to bits but i feel like this isn’t working anymore.
decnikov replied to your post: decnikov replied to your photo “Dunkin...
fuckin r00d I was gonna say I miss you on destiny and stuff but nah fuck you go play with your fucking… whatever it is you do.
"YEAH WELL I DIDN'T WANNA PLAY WITH YOU ANYWAY"
also I was gunna maybe go on destiny later but apprentice first and then it's gunna be a toss up between destiny and sleep so. now is the time to decide how much you'd like me to choose destiny and to act accordingly.
