White boyfriends
I used to have the biggest crush on two brown boys in my class. My elementary school was ethnically diverse. There were black kids, brown kids, white kids and a few Asian kids. Even though I was the only Asian in my class, I never felt ostracized because of my race. Boys even openly declared their love for me. I guess I peaked in 4th grade.
Everything changed when I moved to a white neighborhood in 5th grade. I was the only Asian in my new elementary school, all the way through high school. White kids told me I was ugly because of my eyes, nose, hair and skin on a daily basis. I felt othered and hideous.
Because my environment was whiter than a toilet, I only dated white guys. I had 4 white boyfriends. The first two openly admitted their Asian fetishes, but it didn’t sound problematic to me. I was just relieved SOMEBODY thought I was pretty. At age 18 I realized how demeaning and disgusting Asian fetishes are.
So my 3rd and 4th boyfriend were guys who never mentioned my race. It felt good because they treated me like a person and not like an oriental fantasy. But looking back, I realize they were colorblind. They “didn’t see race”. They did not speak up to their friends and family who made racist comments in my face. “Lighten up, it’s just a joke. They’re not racists.” I learned that “not seeing race” actually meant “not seeing racism and not making an effort to understand oppressive systems”. To them, the (racialized) sexism and (sexualized) racism I encountered on a daily basis were “just in my head”.
I know white people can be pretty damn ignorant, so why did I continue seeing white guys? Because since age 11, I had internalized white supremacist beauty standards. I used to think being called “whitewashed” was a compliment. It isn’t. I started decolonizing my mind a few years ago. Unlearning internalized racism is a daily task. It’s easy to slip back into the destructive thinking of “white = right”. Whether it concerns my heritage, my appearance or my dating preferences.
I have become suspicious of white men. It’s just a matter a time before they’ll get defensive about racism, white privilege etc etc. I wont be dating white guys anytime soon because it’s fucking exhausting. People will call me racist for this, but I’m not. Racism = prejudice + power. I do not have the power to oppress heterosexual white men.
I have a date with a brown guy next week. I’m not going out with him just to cross him off my diversity list. I’m going out with him because he’s gorgeous and seems sweet. And because I feel more comfortable with other people of colour.