Decolonized Hoedom

Chia. Asian intersectional feminist. Follow me on my journey to self-love, decolonization and avoiding creepy Asian Fetishists.

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Yellow Fever. You'd wish it was fatal.

Chances of survival: 0. Symptoms: -Gross -9 out of 10 times white -At least 1,5 times older than the target

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Here is my first encounter with an Asian fetishist after creating my account 15 hours ago. Just another Creepy White Guy being the scum of the earth.

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What are some red flags for someone fetishizing me? Where should I draw the line?

Red flags include:

1) History of ex-relationships being two or more of the same race/ethnicity as you and the person is outside of your group. For example, the person is white and they’ve had two or more East Asian relationships.

2) Has had past sexual/romantic relationships with your group but no friends.

2) Praises you by putting down other associated people. For example, claiming that Asian women are better than Asian men, or claiming that Japanese are better than Chinese. Overly invested in ranking you on an artificial scale.

3) They consume fetish porn of your group to the point where it’s spilling over into their public life.

4) Subtly polices your authenticity by seeming disappointed when you’re not as connected to some aspect of your culture (whether this aspect is stereotypical or real) as they imagine you should be. This authenticity policing can quickly get a lot more harsh and/or abusive once the relationship intensifies.

5) Often compares you to celebrities/public figures of your group… initially in positive ways, but these quickly go negative when the relationship sours.

6) In a borderline obsessive way, draws attention to the difference in your physical features from theirs.

7) Refers to their fetish using the code word of “preference” and argues that using a code word means it’s not a fetish.

8) Brags about “getting a ___” anywhere public, and/or doesn’t check their friends when they congratulate or backslap the person on “getting a ___”. Treats your relationship like a badge increasing their prestige, basically.

9) Refers to themselves as a weeaboo, koreaboo, etc. even if they claim they’re “only joking” or “doing it ironically”. Frequent “ironic” jokes about fetishization, as if those will shield them. “It’s just a joke.”  

10) White men do this the most, but it can be seen in other groups as well: they imply that you’re lucky for their interest in you, and that you should be pleased (and properly grateful) for “getting someone like me”. 

[emilys-nostalgia]

‎’Slut’ is attacking women for their right to say yes. ‘Friend Zone’ is attacking women for their right to say no.

And “bitch” is attacking women for their right to call you on it. (via vvogued)

[hikingdyke-deactivated20170912]

“I kissed a feminist once,” he says, face flushed blotchy, something heavy resting on his shoulders maybe “I kissed a feminist once,” and everybody laughs “she was cold as ice,” he says and he doesn’t mention how I turned warm beneath his fingers, heated up like embers and reduced his bed to flame and ashes “God was she mean,” he says but he hasn’t forgotten the time I told him to be kind to himself, to purge the poison from his veins and scrape the smoke from his lungs “I love you I love you I love you” I said, “please love yourself too” “I kissed a feminist once,” he says, to loud guffaws, an elbow in his side and he doesn’t say “her lips were the softest thing to ever brush my collar bone” he doesn’t say “she made playlists in my mind” or “she covered me like a blanket” or “her teeth on my earlobe ripped me open and scattered me across the sheets of her twin bed” he doesn’t say “I loved that storm of a girl, I loved her heavy at 4am I loved her like pennies at the bottom of a fountain like memorized freckles I loved her like depth perception like opposable thumbs I loved her I loved her I loved her” and instead he shrugs that heavy thing off his shoulders and shrugs the feel of my lips off his chest and he says, “she was a crazy bitch anyway”

I kissed a feminist once (via porn4smartgirls)

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Please do not delete caption.

SHADEMAG 2015

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Love this.

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So one of my Tinder matches is related to the girl who bullied me in elementary school. Wouldn’t it be funny if “that ugly chink" she bullied fucked her brother?

[reverseracism]

10 Warning Signs for POC in Interracial Relationships

1. If your significant other claims to, or is known to “have a thing” for men/women of your race.

This is called fetishism, which generally consists of sexual/physical attraction based on stereotypes. For example: the “exotic” Asian/African women stereotype, the sexually potent Black male stereotype… If you’re with someone who just is “into” people of your culture, try asking them why. 

2. If they have a friend with racist views. Birds of a feather typically flock together, and when it comes to things like this, the rule still applies.

3. If they don’t check (educationally confront) those friends when they express those views. What you fail to speak against, is what you ALLOW to happen… I’ll leave it at that.

4. If they don’t bring you around family members. This is sometimes done to shield significant others from discrimination of family members… But beware, the mentalities of family members can be infectious…

5. If they are ignorant of, or not making an effort to learn about you or the history/experiences of people of your ethnicity/culture. Anyone who truly loves/appreciates a person will go out of their way to learn about the cultures which produced this person. That’s a no-brainer. When a person doesn’t make the effort to learn about the societal factors which shape the life of their significant other… that is a problem.

6. If they claim to be “colorblind”, or that “race doesn’t matter” or any of that other so-called post-racial, fake liberal B.S.

A person who says this is lying. They’re not saying that race doesn’t matter to them…. they’re saying that deep analysis of such topics make them uncomfortable and for their sake they’d rather just ignore any differences. As the saying goes “being blind to race is just ignoring something that you already noticed.” 

7. If you refer to dating them, or they refer to dating you as “trying something new”.

Doesn’t sound right to me… If you want to “try something new” try a new pair of shoes, or a new show on Netflix… But you don’t romantically try other ethnicities as if they’re flavors of Ice Cream, you experience people for who they are.

8. If you seem to be the only person of your race that they are fond of.

Do I need to explain this one?

9. If they cosign your criticisms of your ethnicity

I’ m not really a person who is big on criticizing members of my race when I’m around people outside of my race. Some discussions should stay “in the house” metaphorically speaking. But if you must talk about these kinds of these, your significant other should just be a listening ear. Anything more is out of line.

10. If they cannot, will not, are afraid to, or unable to have discussions on racism.

This is a symptom of a person who is living in denial, ignorance, or both. Either way, it ain’t healthy… Unless you’re in denial too, then y’all will probably get along fine.

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I'm gonna print this out and hang it above my bed.

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White boyfriends

I used to have the biggest crush on two brown boys in my class. My elementary school was ethnically diverse. There were black kids, brown kids, white kids and a few Asian kids. Even though I was the only Asian in my class, I never felt ostracized because of my race. Boys even openly declared their love for me. I guess I peaked in 4th grade.

Everything changed when I moved to a white neighborhood in 5th grade. I was the only Asian in my new elementary school, all the way through high school. White kids told me I was ugly because of my eyes, nose, hair and skin on a daily basis. I felt othered and hideous. 

Because my environment was whiter than a toilet, I only dated white guys. I had 4 white boyfriends. The first two openly admitted their Asian fetishes, but it didn’t sound problematic to me. I was just relieved SOMEBODY thought I was pretty. At age 18 I realized how demeaning and disgusting Asian fetishes are.

So my 3rd and 4th boyfriend were guys who never mentioned my race. It felt good because they treated me like a person and not like an oriental fantasy. But looking back, I realize they were colorblind. They “didn’t see race”. They did not speak up to their friends and family who made racist comments in my face. “Lighten up, it’s just a joke. They’re not racists.” I learned that “not seeing race” actually meant “not seeing racism and not making an effort to understand oppressive systems”. To them, the (racialized) sexism and (sexualized) racism I encountered on a daily basis were “just in my head”.

I know white people can be pretty damn ignorant, so why did I continue seeing white guys? Because since age 11, I had internalized white supremacist beauty standards. I used to think being called “whitewashed” was a compliment. It isn’t. I started decolonizing my mind a few years ago. Unlearning internalized racism is a daily task. It’s easy to slip back into the destructive thinking of “white = right”. Whether it concerns my heritage, my appearance or my dating preferences.

I have become suspicious of white men. It’s just a matter a time before they’ll get defensive about racism, white privilege etc etc. I wont be dating white guys anytime soon because it’s fucking exhausting. People will call me racist for this, but I’m not. Racism = prejudice + power. I do not have the power to oppress heterosexual white men.

I have a date with a brown guy next week. I’m not going out with him just to cross him off my diversity list. I’m going out with him because he’s gorgeous and seems sweet. And because I feel more comfortable with other people of colour.

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Far Away From Me - Rookie

I was never the girl in that Weezer song.

“Was I in a decolonized relationship when my boyfriend in college told me that he dates Asian girls because they’re just “easier to handle”? Was I in possession of a liberated sexuality as a teenager when I would sneak out of my parents’ house to spend the night hanging out with older white men who proudly showed me their tattoos of random Chinese characters? Who spent hours talking about to me about the I Ching, something I had never heard of, and trying to impress me by showing me the Chinese calligraphy they had done even though it triggered bad memories of being forced to attend Chinese school on Sundays? Who kept asking me about the branch of Buddhism my family practiced no matter how many times I explained to them that we were atheists? Did I find a decolonial love when I dated a guy who would only buy me cute things like candy and stuffed animals because he liked me better that way—cute—and when I started to show other ways that I could sometimes be—opinionated, loud, ungrateful, crude, aggressive, indelicate—he liked me less and eventually broke up with me? Did I exhibit a liberatory sexuality all the times I fake giggled or smiled through clenched teeth when a man told me that, unlike white girls or Latina girls or black girls, Asian girls are just more naturally into pleasing, and on top of that, we tended to have perky breasts and smooth skin?”

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Okay, so here is an introduction to my tumblr.

I’m a Chinese gal born & raised in Europe. I will be sharing my stories about dating as a heterosexual, cis-gendered Asian intersectional feminist.

I used to watch Sex And The City with my mom (I know…). I, too, wanted a liberated sex live like these white ladies. But since I was a teenager, non-Asian guys would only hit on me “because they have a thing for Asians”. Sure, I could get dates. But is it really liberating when they only saw me as a submissive, docile geisha girl even though I’m loud and crass? I know I’m not the only woman of color dealing with this shit (Exhibit A: http://creepywhiteguyspart2.tumblr.com).

But there’s another reason why my love life sucked. I always expected Prince Charming to come and sweep me off my feet. I never made the first move, so I only got hit on (90% of them were gross fetishists).

What if I make the first move? There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting what you want. I gotta start living and take risks. This will also be the beginning of my decolonization project. The decolonization of my vagina I mean. I’m an awkward girl, but I’ll try to hit on as many hot guys as possible (and get the fuck out when I see a hint of fetishization or racism). And I’m going to use the shit out of Tinder and other dating apps. 

This is my journey to decolonized hoedom.