#dedelin

[cosmerelists]

Pros and Cons of Hiring These Cosmere Characters to be Your Dog-Walker

Looking for a new dog-walker? Well, you could hire these Cosmere characters, but please make sure you carefully weigh the pros & cons first!

1. Kaladin

Pros: This man can handle SO MANY dogs at once! You were worried about adding your husky to the mix, since Huskateer isn't the most well-behaved dog...but this man seemed so confident that you let your husky join his group of dogs. And you know what? Huskateer has been so much more disciplined since he started following this Kaladin guy...

Cons: You know, in your deepest heart, that Huskateer respects and loves Kaladin more than you now.

2. Sebarial

Cons: Sebarial makes it clear that if you hire him to be your dog-walker, he will NOT walk your dog.

Pros: However, he does have a team of professional & highly trained dog-walkers who do the dog-walking for him, and honestly, they're the best around. Reasonable prices, too.

3. Ranette

Pros: She said she'd walk Stinky for free if she could use him to test out some dog-friendly products. Free service and supporting a woman in business?? Hell yeah!

Cons: It's weapons. It's all weapons. You don't WANT Stinky to have a rifle that even a dog can fire! What the hell, lady?

4. Vin

Cons: The first thing she said was, "Don't worry. I would never let someone else's dog get killed OR eaten" which was...perhaps not as comforting as she intended it to be.

Pros: She actually seems to be pretty good with dogs and when you pointed this out she said, "Yeah. It's because I had a dog assistant for a while" so at least she has a sense of humor?

5. Dedelin

Pros: He volunteered his eldest daughter for the job and spent a lot of time talking about how caring and professional and responsible she was. It all sounded great!

Cons: And then...he sent his other daughter? Like, it'll probably still be fine but that's weird, right?

6. Ulaam

Cons: When he saw how many dogs you had (five), all he said was, "Two arms isn't enough" and left. Which, I mean, it's fair if he doesn't feel comfortable walking a lot of dogs, but it felt a little bit rude.

Pros: Well...he came back. And he has five arms now. And you WOULD be freaked out if it wasn't so darn effective.

7. Adolin

Pros: The INSTANT he saw Mr. Waffles, Adolin complimented his excellent sweater. You knew that dog sweater would be a hit.

Cons: You saw Adolin showing Mr. Waffles some sort of dog fashion magazine and, uh, those outfits looked EXPENSIVE. Y-You're not made of money! Even if Mr. Waffles sure would look dapper in that suit...

8. Leshwi

Cons: Her first question was, "Does your dog like heights?" and you, trying to stay calm, were like, "How...is that relevant...for a dog walk?" And she was like, "So...only walking on the ground?" Anyway you didn't hire her.

Pros: You now know that you like it when tall women look at you with disdain, and self-discovery is always good, you know?

9. TenSoon

Pros: Who better to walk your dog than a big talking dog, am I right? Ha ha!

Cons: Shattered. Your worldview. It's shattered. Forever.

10. Dalinar

Cons: He was just a little, uh, too serious? "Every journey is important." "I am prepared to help your dog take his next step." "Even kings must walk their dogs." Like...Cheesecake just needs to pee during the day? It's not that deep?

Pros: Actually...Cheesecake has seemed wiser lately. You know that sounds crazy, but...

11. Allomancer Jak

Pros: Daffodil is always happy and sleepy when she gets home! You can tell she's getting great exercise with Allomancer Jak!

Cons: Y-Your dog didn't REALLY help stop a runaway train full of robbers, did she? Your pretty sure that those newspaper serials are embellished, but you are a bit worried about what exactly your Daffodil is doing on those walks...

12. Hoid

Cons: The first thing this guy said when he saw Duke Fluffington III was "Well, some dogs want to be a dragon, but your dog clearly wants to be a slug!" which was rude because Duke Fluffington III is only a LITTLE lazy!

Pros: He did a good job, actually....at least until he disappeared suddenly one day without warning. And he used to compliment Duke Fluffington III a lot, which was nice, saying how he was so nicely "fluffy" and not at all "crablike" or "slimy."

Wait, are these even pros?? That guy was just weird!

[cosmere-cosmeme]

Dedelin: People accuse me of having a favourite child, but it's simply untrue.

Dedelin: I love Vivenna, Ridger, Fafen, and..... and... Seaweed? equally.

[cosmerelists]

Cosmere Parents with a "World's Best Mom/Dad" Mug

As requested by @karlathewitch :)

Cosmere parents are acquiring a "World's Best Mom/Dad/Parent" mug! In...various ways. Let's see how it goes!

1. Straff: Bought one for himself solely to piss off Elend

Straff: [calmly drinking from a "World's Best Dad" mug] Elend: [choking on his breakfast] Elend: WHAT - what - is that? Straff: You got me a gift. Straff: Or rather, I bought myself a gift with your money since you've never done even a simple thing correct in your lifetime. Straff: I think it suits me. Elend: [too aghast to speak]

2. Evi: Treasures the homemade mug that Adolin & Renarin made her

Adolin: Mom! Mom! Look at what we made you! Renarin [almost inaudible]: Aunt Navani helped with the writing. Evi: Oh wow! It's beautiful--I love it! Evi: If I'm the best mom, it's only because I love you both so much!

3. Dalinar: Has a...complex history with the homemade mug that Adolin & Renarin made him

Dalinar [Oathbringer-era, staring at the chipped mug] Adolin [arms crossed]: We made matching ones for you and mom when we were kids. Dalinar: Yes, I remember... Renarin: I think...I think I brought you wine in it once? Secretly? Dalinar: Yes. Dalinar: Possibly not the best look.

4. Dedelin: Let's just say his mug is...reclaimed

Dedelin: I-I don't think you can take back a "World's Best Dad" mug! Ridger: ...You sold our sister Siri into sex slavery. Fafen: ...And now Vivenna has run away too. Ridger: We're taking the mug.

5. Evanteo: His "World's Best Dad" mug has an asterisk

Evanteo: Sarene! A "World's Best Dad" mug? Thank you! Evanteo: Hold on--"Best" is asterisked and there appears to be a tiny, long, hand-painted note along the bottom... Evanteo: "Best in this context is a subjective and inherently hyperbolic description intended to express the inherent love and admiration of a child for her father and is not intended as an unbiased or binding judgment on the persons herein." Evanteo: ... Evanteo: I love it. It's so you. Sarene: I thought you'd appreciate it.

6. Steris & Wax: Their "World's Best Parents" mug...does not have an asterisk

Steris: Listen, I really think we should add an asterisk! Steris: It is a very sweet sentiment and I will treasure this mug forever, but it's a little bit...inprecise. Wax: Look into the eyes of our children and tell me that the mug needs an asterisk. Steris: ... Max [sincerely]: You ARE the best parents! I swear! Tindwyl: We wuv you! Steris: ... Steris: I...suppose I can let it slide.

7. Lirin & Hesina: Receive a mug from Oroden. Kaladin helped.

Kaladin: You're doing a good job with the painting, Oroden! Oroden: Tanks! Kaladin: Here I am, helping my younger brother make a "World's Best Parents" mug for my parents. Kaladin: And people say I need therapy! Oroden: Terapy! Kaladin: ...Don't you start.

8. Lem & Ulba: Are given a "World's Best Parents" mug by Tress

Lem: A-Are you sure? Ulba: Isn't this too valuable? Tress: I-It's just an old cup that I hand-painted! Lem: Exactly! Ulba: A cup from your collection! Tress: W-Well, you both are the best parents, so... Lem: Well, we love it. Ulba: Of course we do--what parent wouldn't love something so precious that their child made?

9. Gavilar: Has a very nice mug. Embossed. Golden. Classy.

Navani: ...That isn't the "World's Best Dad" mug that Elkohar and Jasnah made for you. Gavilar: The one they made was ugly. Navani: ...They are children. Gavilar: What, and that means *I* have to settle? Gavilar: Be serious, Navani.

10. Kelsier: Is himself surprised by how emotional he feels

Kelsier: "W-World's Best Dad"...? Vin: It's just-- Vin: I wanted to say "thanks" I guess. Kelsier: ... Kelsier: I will drink ALL my metals from this mug! Vin: That doesn't seem practical in battle. Kelsier: ... Kelsier: I just mean that I really like it. Vin: ...I'm glad.

11. The Stormfather: Is mostly confused

Stormfather: [rumbling] What am I supposed to do with a tiny mug? Syl: I don't know--you could fill it with rainwater? Stormfather: ...to what purpose? Syl: It's a gift! You're supposed to just say thanks! Stormfather: ... Stormfather: "World's Best Father and Storm" is a nice sentiment... Syl: Of course it is! All my sentiments are nice.

12. Taravangian: Does not see the irony, truly

Taravangian: Can someone PLEASE murder those noisy children outside??? Adrotagia: ...You are literally drinking from a "World's Best Grandfather" mug right now. Taravangian: What? They're not my grandchildren. Adrotagia [muttering]: I hate days when you're like this.

[cosmerelists]

Ranking Cosmere Dads for Father’s Day

It’s Father’s Day! In honor (?) of this holiday, I’ve put Cosmere dads into a tier list. So who are the best & worst dads in the Cosmere?

[Spoilers for all Cosmere works, including Tress of the Emerald Sea!]

S-Tier: Best Dads in the Cosmere

Lem, Rock

Here we find dads who support and love their kids, no matter what. Lem, Tress’s dad in Emerald Sea, actively helps his daughter sneak off the island to rescue the man she loves, calling in all of the favors he’s built up by being an all around great dude. Rock, from Stormlight Archive, loves his family. Even though he believes very strongly in the jobs-by-birth-order tradition, when his daughter Cord decides to abandon pacifism and join the fight, he supports her. We love dads who help realize their daughters’ dreams, even when those dreams may differ from the dad’s own worldview!

A-Tier: Really Great Dads

Wax, Eventeo

Eventeo, Sarene’s dad in Elantris, and Wax of Wax and Wayne fame, are both excellent dads. Eventeo supports his daughter Sarene as best he can, although he doesn’t always realize how Sarene is really feeling. When Sarene arrives in Arelon to find her fiance “dead,” she’s determined to stay in order to maintain the treaty that her marriage has created--but Eventeo wants her to know that if she wants to come back home, there will always be a place for her. Wax seems to be a great dad to Tindwyl and (sigh) Maxillium, and he flies his kids around! That’s pretty fun.

B-Tier: Pretty Good Dads...Most of the Time

Kelsier, Elhokar, Stormfather 

I’m counting Kelsier as Vin’s dad, for the record! Elhokar from Stormlight Archive has a baby son, and the Stormfather is the father of the Honorspren like Syl. These dads definitely try to do right by their kids. Kelsier is a good dad to Vin, overall. He may not support her love for Elend at first, but when push comes to shove, he does risk his life to save Elend just because Vin loves him. And he loves and supports Vin the whole way through. Elhokar doesn’t really have much to do with his little son, but he does try in the end to rescue him and dies in the process, so that has to count for something, right? The Stormfather has, uh, trouble supporting his kids because he’s so paranoid that the oaths will kill them, but when push comes to shove, he really has no choice to accept their oaths. That’s support! Albeit forced by his nature as a spren, etc. All of these dads do intend the best for their kids, but they’re maybe a tad problematic about how they go about it.

C-Tier: They, uh, Mean Well I guess?

Dalinar, Lirin, Taravangian

Dalinar is tricky because he may be a pretty solid dad now, but hoo boy was he not such a great dad in the beginning. He barely remembered that Renarin existed, and he spent most of his time wantonly slaughtering people. So on average, I put Dalinar at C. I may get in trouble for putting Lirin so low but LISTEN. He called Kaladin a MONSTER. He REFUSES to accept his son as he is! But, like, I know he loves Kaladin and means well, etc. Taravangian may be a villain, but as a father, he does make darn sure his kids & grandkids are outside of his schemes so that they won’t be implicated and he trades the whole world for their safety. Which would be sweeter if not for the “everyone else can die for all I care” angle. 

D-Tier: They Basically Suck As Dads

Charlie’s dad, Iadon, Dedelin, Tevidian, Gavilar

Now we get to dads who are lowkey abusive. Charlie’s dad from Tress of the Emerald Sea tried to force his son into an unwanted marriage, and when that didn’t work and Charlie ended up kidnapped, he just sort of shrugged and replaced Charlie with someone else. Wow. Iadon, Raoden’s father from Elantris, was paranoid and grumpy and his son was actively working to undermine him. Iadon in turn barely batted an eye when he had to throw his son into Elantris. Dedelin, Siri’s and Vivenna’s dad from Warbreaker, so favored his daughter Vivenna that he sent his unprepared and innocent daughter Siri to what he thought was her death. And finally, Tevidian (Vin’s biological father from Mistborn) was Lord Prelan. He goes into D-tier almost by default. We don’t know much yet about Gavilar’s relationship to his children, but he did try to make Jasnah marry AMARAM, and he seemed to feel scorn for Elhokar. That’s not great material for a father’s day card.

F-Tier: Actively Harmful To Their Children 

Edwarn, Lin Davar, Straff

And finally, the dads who are ACTIVELY and SUPREMELY abusive! Edwarn is Wax’s uncle apparently (I thought he was Wax’s dad whoops), but I think he fulfilled the dad role. Anyway, he tried to have Wax KILLED. Lin Davar was an abusive nightmare to all of his kids (and I’m including Shallan) until Shallan had to kill him to save his brother. 

And Straff. Straff (Elend’s dad from Mistborn) is the worst dad in the Cosmere. Bad to his son Elend. Bad to everyone his son loves. Bad overall. I can’t even. I’m so glad he got cut in half with a giant sword.

H-Happy Father’s Day, everyone!