#deemakrites

[windowsandcrows]

i remember in this bathroom two years ago when i was trying not to die and i started feeding myself again and i couldn't stop because part of me couldn't believe it, couldn't believe i was allowed this. couldn't believe i could have something i wanted. couldn't believe i could take up space; and maybe i still don't, but i'm doing it. i'm doing it and it's horrifying and i want to go back to being so small no one would get affected but god what a life it would be if we could all feel like being born meant that we were supposed to be here and that we could truly make the best of it and that it would really work.

i'm sorry

[windowsandcrows]

i miss you. so i pray for you. prayer is the only real solution to an absence, mother said. i pray in thoughts. i think, God, let him be okay. i think God, keep my love safe here and everywhere. Lord, i am small, i am nothing. Lord, i have this love in me because you put it there and Lord i know you're kind. so give her peace, lace every string around her in grace. Lord, let my love be okay.

[windowsandcrows]

i'm not very afraid at all anymore, which scares me. tough times are one thing, but consequences still exist; and as an alive person it's on me to navigate that existence. i know this. i keep wanting to see what would happen if i don't do what i'm supposed to, knowing that the results will be unpleasant, unenjoyable, and unwanted. i'm here and i'm not some canvas for my own stupid experiments but that is what everything is but no, no it's not. and i'm not an isolated event- i keep acting like that isn't a fact. sure you're depressed but can you maybe shut up sometimes? i have homework to do. i'd really rather keep my 3.72 at least. genuinely don't see the point in any of this anymore; i'm sorry, i wish i had more of an action-oriented spirit/proactiveness right now. like yeah sure, the trees are out there under the sun, and my family's in the house, talking, eating, meeting; sure, the ac makes my skin cold and my brother's smile makes my heart warm; sure, my friends make the gray feel ancient and homely, and my girlfriend feels like the first strip of sunlight after a long night; sure, it's all beautiful. i still don't have it in me to hold my hands in front of my face and breathe in; tell myself the things i need to do are things that need to be done; that life is to be lived and that today, living means opening my laptop and finishing the three overdue assignments. most miserable paragraph i've ever written but if i could make just some people hear what it's like in my head, maybe things wouldn't be so do-or-die. why do we always have to go big or go home? why can't it be okay to go small and not have to go home- what the hell am i saying. there were wars happening and the people were still studying because education is a weapon; i know that. can i hide forever? little good that would bring anyway. would've could've ideas are stronger in hindsight and a bad place- regret comes years later, seeping. i'm sure i wouldn't be doing better if i was an english major or a physics major- if that's even a thing; anyway. i wouldn't be doing better if i was back in my hometown; maybe i'd be on my way to getting married in a year- i wouldn't know then the people that contribute a major brilliance to my life now; maybe i'd still be starving- maybe i'd be dead before 40 even. i know you can't tell me it's okay that i'm not being productive. i know that's not how this works. i know you can't hold my hands and assure me it's okay that i'm failing; that it'll be fine either way. i don't know if it will be- i think this is scary.

24525

[windowsandcrows]

my quiet night, burning and gaunt. i'm just tired.

can this be the end now? i have not felt recognisable for a year now. i died that night, april 30th. will you forgive me if i forget how to say anything at all; be anything at all. i have not felt the need to do anything this year. i died that night, i accepted it. can you weave this into something beautiful, like you do? can you take my crimson eyes and put them away, say i did okay, say i tried, it was enough. it was not a storm, it was not dust in my nostrils; it was not a name, nor a memory. i had been dead for 10 days before i saw myself in the stained mirror and believed. can this be the end, now? i have not felt worth recognising for a year now.

30425

[windowsandcrows]

if i could be present without pretence/ i would hold sunlight in my hands, and not burn/ it would be a full day, and you would be here/ or u wouldn't- it wouldn't matter/

one after the other, like a legend my mother told/ i was 12 when i dreamt my father dying from it/ i understand why he worries, i'm no better/

new canyons do form, littering the earth like my star told me/ i will be home soon, i will/ i hide in corners from my own shadow, don't touch the walls/ i think people believe in me too much, i'm hardly here/ it's twisted how this works; when i don't want to leave/ i'm no fun in the daylight, wait for revision, absolution/

this isn't what anyone should need/

[incomplete]

[windowsandcrows]

10425

i need to write about the way she holds me

the way her eyes shine these days

i need to tell you how it comes so naturally

how i thought, i loved her already;

this isn't unfamiliar.

i need to say something of hair poking eyes

something of foreheads on shoulders

i need to relay disbelief of feathery tactility

how i may taste like cigarettes

and smiles collide, lingering.

i fall away, quietly, i come to

i have to tell you,

it feels like a summer breeze

it feels clean.

maybe it's hard to understand

but i have rarely felt clean

rarely, like my skin isn't

caught in barbed wire.

maybe it doesn't mean anything

maybe it's just hard to read into.

maybe we don't have to do that.

[windowsandcrows]

21325

i tell u i love u with the cadence of a friend just getting close

i tell u i love u when i laugh at every joke u make

i tell u i love u when u look my way and i don't fear holding ur gaze

when we're talking and it's hard to hear anything but i hang on to every word

when we're laughing and i turn to u first

i tell u i love u louder now but i've been doing it since last year

since i saw u really talk, heard u laugh

i've been wanting to say i love u for ages, somewhere, in me, it's stayed

so i tell u i love u in the quiet of the night, reaching for ur hand

huddled close within whistling breath, for once, present again

i tell u i love u, and it means something

[windowsandcrows]

16325

i leave traces like my father

i sit in the quiet of the night and i pray

i hum until my throat feels right

until i'm certain there's no one at my neck

i breathe deep and cough rough

hold my hands out and stretch into oblivion

whisper assurances and look around fearful

i frown like it's second nature

i laugh, leaving my mother craning to listen

i try to reinvent home; i fail, i try to recreate it, i get close

i wear his perfume, let him use mine

then comes the safest scent of home

his smoke, i still find lingering after he showers

i sit by the side of the road

i don't fear trees like i used to; i let it run its course

i go home like a stranger

listen for footsteps, find orange lights

i beg for erasure, get angry outwards

find peace in a spinning top, i recall what fight felt like

the red doesn't get me anywhere

i wait for the frost to wear thin, for instances of lightness

i don't drive out of fear; i wish there was a better reason

i wouldn't know what to do with a full stomach

i wouldn't know how to fight, still

i try not looking behind me, i pray the safety of a shield

find the beautiful in everything

speak past the clots and the knots

i leave traces like my father

i wouldn't know how to be anyone else