#deep thought.

[lumieredemavie]

At this moment I'm writing,

I know a lot are drifting in the night.

But I'm not, my mind is wide awake and I'm just thinking of all the things that have happened in recent events and how much vulnerability and soul searching has happened.

Tonight I was supposed to go on a journey that was stopped by nervousness, but in the end it was all the same connection that we find so dear and so comfortable. It was like there was a vision that came to life and the person telling it was explaining it all. He was saddened by the fact that he is stuck in this spot in life though he has seen what is beyond the finish line and tasted it in glory. Though it is a fact of life, he continues forward. But there is a void.

He was trying to understand this void and the moment he looked up I exactly knew the void he felt but I couldn't pick up the courage to say what it truly meant. Maybe it's something that needs to be physically shown, or simply felt in the warm comfortable silence.

There was a moment where I died inside tonight, but the fact that the void was filled in this comfortable scenario just made it bearable to continue again towards being complacent with the world around me.

[lumieredemavie]

Destroy for what it's worth

PTSD, you might just be the death of me.

[lumieredemavie]

I Don't Get:

How sometimes the most random things happen to me

How sometimes the most random people come around or back into my life to get information; not to say all is bad, but just weird how randomly out of the blue they'll be like hey

How boys lament over girls they let slip away by being dicks. I don't understand how you can ruin a good thing. If it's good and you're happy, make it work. If you REALLY TRULY want to be with them MAKE. IT. WORK.

How money gets us by in life but doesn't always by happiness.

How you can go to the ER and they treat you like shit and just say oh it's this and let you leave, but when it gets worse Urgent Care actually gets it right and it's a tenth of the cost.

How people can wake up and say, you know, I just don't feel the same way about you anymore.

How people continue to push when your guard is up, and let you down in the end when your guard is down.

There's more probably to right, but I got most of this down.

[lumieredemavie]

I woke up to a call from work,

Made my excuse how I can't cover the shift they need covered, But now I'm still laying here waiting to fall back to sleep. In these moments I wish he was here, So I can be held and feel the inhale and exhale of breath and the good aura surrounding me So once again I can start sleeping soundly once more and never have to have these sleeping problems.

[lumieredemavie]

I've been thinking about my soul mate recently

As cheesy as it sounds...what he would be like, and what I am looking for in that person. (I wish I could have done this as a read more but mobile internet will not let me so this will have to do) Physical looks for me aren't a big thing, but physical aspects I hope this person understands my reserved nature in public for PDA, but knows I love affection once I'm at home... I find discrete PDA a huge turn on. I hope for someone who enjoys cuddling as much as I do. I hope that this person enjoys to be social but every so often enjoys being a homebody. A person that is okay that I'm with my friends and trusts me when I go out, as well as can be trusted when they too go out. I hope they are not conflicted by the people I share and have once shared my life with. I hope they don't compare themselves to others that I've been intimate with, for they are on a whole other level. I want them to understand how close I need to feel to them but also let me have my space. If I'm upset let me be or just stay in silence. If I'm mad don't contribute. Also understanding I can never live in a one bedroom at first with this person because I will not have enough space for myself. I hope I can spend hours just talking about random shit about how we will live our lives and play out scenarios of the lives we dream of. Of adventures we want to journey together and memories we will make. And if we are not talking, the silence isn't empty but merely is enjoying the presence and existence of us together. I hope I can be as goofy as I want to be with them. I hope they enjoy playing video games as much as me and watching pewdiepie videos of video games. I hope they were into a nerdy fandom of some sort and feel passionate about it...I mean mine was Harry Potter, Zelda and Pokemon but I don't mind if they differ. I hope they enjoy watching all sorts of movies and always looking to broaden their perspective. Being okay with my love for Mina and Aspen as well that I love to look at the animals at the shelter, and visit with me once and awhile. Also if we smoke together I hope they can understand that I ask some weird questions of how people came up with things and merely have to deal with it. Also that I am incapable of making food while stoned and don't expect me to because that shit has not happened and will never will hahahaha I hope they can respect the love and the sadness that I have over Phil, and know I do not expect them to be him in any shape or form. I hope they see the impact he had on my life, and understand that he probably chose them to be my soul mate so I would have the love I always dreamed of ever since I was little. I hope one day this happens, because the longer I wait the more I dream and the more I get discouraged because maybe it's too foolish to think about.

[lumieredemavie]

I'm awake right now

And I realized when I woke up that all I really want right now is for you to be here, and maybe I wouldn't have sleep problems anymore.

[lumieredemavie]

Sigh

That empty reply

To the calls and the texts

To the person that soul mirrors yours

Strung with the same dark lace of heartache

But inside you are the same heartbeat and train of thought

Is this real though? And not the mirrored truth?

Is this what I've been missing this time and felt empty because I'm not seeing what is there?

Can you be in love with someone similar to yourself without dying from it?

All I know is that tonight I'm not sleeping because this part of me is rummaging my thoughts

I drove long enough to give enough time for a response.