Finally got around to doing rui5 on global and aejfhrjskdjejdne I…I am unwell!!
I started crying really hard halfway through, it felt as if I was watching my own life and feelings through rui. As an autistic person myself the way he processed his alienation through his art was just so relatable.
Feeling like a monster pretending to be human is literally THE autistic experience ever. No matter how hard you try you cannot change your own nature, you cannot change the way you were born - wrong and horrible and unable to ever properly fit in with the humans. It’s harder to understand them and they don’t ever seem to understand you or your intentions. You try to connect but are met with only rejection and horror because for the monster they see you as and eventually you start to see yourself.
Wanting to have fun, constantly following your own whims and passions to an extent that seems to scare others, and making them view you as inhuman…
And you’re not upset at anyone, you just tiredly accept that this is the way things are and the way they will always be - being resigned to your own difference, despairing over the fact that you know you cannot change your own nature.
But then later being shown that people can be good and learning to care for the humans.
You become too attached to this act of humanity you put on and the other humans. And someone figures you out, again. They see past your act and see the monster you are and you are punished for this like you always are. But this time you want to stay, you accept the punishment because maybe you truly are a horrible monster and the humans would be better off without someone as horrible and inhuman as you. You’d rather die than hurt more people and you know that if you were to continue living you would just continue to hurt and harm because you are and will always be nothing more than a monster, or at least that’s what life has taught you.
But then someone sees you and sticks up for you, accepts you despite now knowing you are a monster for the first time ever and you don’t run away because now you want this life, you want to be human. Your forced indifference has faded.
And how in the end your still other and different but like now, at least your not alone. There is no definitive happy ending but there is a bittersweet somewhat melancholic type of content and happiness to being able to experience companionship in your own way.
Ah rui the artist you are……
On top of that him hyperfocus/fixating so hard he loses sleep and just kinda keeps drifting through his days unable to focus on the present bc he’s too stuck thinking abt his script, not paying attention in class, his friends getting concerned…..
The way he had been unconsciously suppressing his own influence from his shows before hand to make them a little more palatable, probably partially due to past rejection….
And like the way he wrote the monster just resigned and even accepting of his own death, saying all that stuff about how maybe the world would be better off anyway makes me think that rui definitely went through a period of his life, probably middle school, where he was at least passively suicidal which honestly wouldn’t be that surprising. I mean weren’t we all suicidal in middle school/hj. But like in all seriousness I really get that, there’s only so much alienation and isolation and being mocked, othered and rejected someone, especially a teenager can take before they begin to internalise it and believe that maybe that there will never be a place for them, there will never be anyone who truly sees, loves or understands them and world really would be better of without them.
He’s clearly accidentally hurt people before whether it be with his “crazy” and unsafe idea, his inventions (which he has since made safe and learned from), or (well this is a guess/me self projecting) emotionally just due to being unable to understand other people’s emotions/feelings. And he also evidently still holds these instances very close to his heart and still carries the shame, remorse and guilt he felt and the rejection and anger he likely faced. He still (less now than in early wondershow) believes that he should be punished for this, that he has hurt before so clearly he will continue to hurt. He’d rather die than hurt someone ever again - like the monster that he wrote. Just like rui the monster’s strong passion, whims and drive to keep having fun lead him to disregard people, to tunnel vision on the thing he loved without thought for the consequences and that hurt people. Just like rui the monster’s strong passion clearly faced rejection and was driven away and vilified. Just like rui the monster somewhat believes himself a ticking time bomb, bound to hurt someone else at some point due to his own nature. And just like rui, now the monster harbours such regret that he’d rather be shot than make the same mistakes again.
Arghhhh this event is just so good and in conclusion rui5 is the autism experience, or at least mine personally summed up in a very beautifully written event.
