Today was a fucking hard one 😞
You were so close but so far, I wanted to reach to you, run up to you, hold you and tell you I love you but I can’t. I can’t do that anymore.
I cried before I got there, I cried waiting for the whole team to arrive, I cried while I should’ve been warming up, I cried under the shade tent, I cried on the field and I cried on the way home. Christ, I got benched because I was inconsolable and could not function.
I wish you knew just how much I love you still and knowing just how far gone we are is unbearable most days.
I did not bother to hide my tears or anxiety today, I had my team rally around me and sure of course I love them and I am so lucky to have such great people but all I really wanted was you.
I dug this grave…. I get it, now I lay in it, bare, cold and shaking.
My eyes are stinging, my chest is heavy, my brain going 100 miles per hour and my soul… well that’s on the verge of dying.
For all the words I wish I could speak that I cannot relay and all the words I wish you would say.. now I find a little comfort in songs we use to play. I think I’ll forever listen to them just to have a piece of you always.
If I had one last dying breath I’d tell you you’re so loved. It may seem unbelievable at this point… I get it but there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you. I see you on the streets, in the shops but worst of all I see you in my dreams.
I hope that one day you understand and I am ok with you never understanding too, I wish you peace and happiness and I know I can’t give you that to you, I’ve never given that to you. So I’ll go my way and you’ll go yours, two different paths.
I know you’ll be absolutely ok. Push on, dream big, and I’ll be in the very far background cheering you on quietly… always.