#definitely a personal post

[hauntingfaithfully]

now on this high note, i'm going to bed. i have to be up in 2.5 hours for my last shift at the hospital for clinicals. 

also fuck me. 

[sclairea]

I had an epiphany.

I realized that even though I want to date Amos still, I definitely know it's not a good idea. At least not right now.

But I really believe that he and I can be friends. Good friends.

He just has to make the effort. And what has been scaring me most about this whole situation is that he won't. That the relationship label and the sexual tension is all that was keeping him from not trying.

But if he does make the effort, I think we can still have a relationship. Not a romantic one. But, one where we build up a different kind of trust--one that isn't as passionate or exciting as a new relationship, but is way more reliable and deep. 

And who knows? Maybe we will get to a point where we can have an actual relationship again. 

I like having that option open. At least for now. 

I'm just going to make my opinions to Amos known about the friendship thing. Because I really need him to make an effort, and from all that he's said I know he wants to.

He just has to show it.

[fabromance]

I feel like there's a better way to do this, y'know? I mean...366 days ago was the last time I saw him or spoke to him. 366 days ago was when he put a gun to his head. 365 days ago was then they pulled the plug. And I think there should be a better way to remember that than a shitty, year-old obituary that passively paints my best friend/his ex-girlfriend as a villain and focuses on the fact that a hospital kept someone alive to harvest his organs.

So, yeah. I let loose some balloons on his birthday. I threw some flowers in a lake yesterday. And that's it? I feel like someone that changed so many people's lives should be given more credit than this.