Euphoria (Lady Dimitrescu x Nonbinary*!AFAB!reader)
Warnings: Angst-to-Fluff, Self-harm, body dysphoria, shouting, unintentional misgendering
NSFW because of the warnings and potential triggers, however NO SEX SCENES
Word count: 2789
Chaos's A/N: This is the most...vulnerable piece of writing I have ever written that doesn't involve sex, it didn't need to happen. Nonbinary is used as the umbrella term, as my intention was to be inclusive. If you think it is not inclusive enough, give us a DM in our asks and I resolve it. Thank you.
P.S. There will be two sentences in bold, and it was quite coincidental because I was reading fanfiction before finishing it, and what she (Lady Dimitrescu, but also the author wrote it) said not only made me cry, but it represented what I was hoping for her to say but I could never get out. I will post the link twice, below this postscript, and within the sentence. Please show support by reading it, and to the writer, NorthTrader77!
Comfort's Embrace - NorthTraveler77 - Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse) [Archive of Our Own]
Please, enjoy.
For a couple days you were emotionless, for a couple days you were isolating yourself, for a couple days it was hell for you. Especially for Alcina who wanted nothing but your company, but seeing you avoid her made her upset. Her eyebrows furrowed, and she would proceed to go to her bedroom.
The reason it was hell for you wasn't because of your treatment with your lady, or even her daughters despite them constantly teasing you and trying to get you to lash out on them.
No...
You were assigned female at birth, and you were currently sitting at the corner of the room you were first given before you slept with your lady, rocking yourself as you try so hard to push aside your thoughts, covering yourself in blankets plus blankets plus more blankets, with your arms crossing over your chest as you sobbed away. You hated your chest, you hated your curves, your hair, your face, your legs- EVERYTHING.
You hated the fact that you were reminded of a girl, Alcina would compliment you, and as much as you appreciate her comments, she was unintentionally misgendering, and you were suffering in your own silence. You couldn't tell her you were having a body dysphoria, you couldn't tell this 1900s vampire that you were suffering from your own demise, you were terrified at the idea of her knowing. You didn't want her to know, you didn't want her to be tainted with the knowledge that defined barely coming onto the surface of human knowledge in the west and the castle in the east...she was not going to accept you...like them.
Sometimes you can hide, and hold off your discomfort, your need to cry, your disappointment and your broken heart coming undone, but this time you couldn't. You were stuck in this castle with 4 women, stuck in castle like a...damsel in distress.
You quickly covered your mouth and muffled your screams as you cried and cried.
Alcina could hear a heart pumping rapidly, like a stressed human, and she thought it was her daughters killing a maiden. She stood still as she carried the glass of wine in her left hand, lifted so elegantly while she read a book in her right hand, trying her best to distract herself until one of her daughters knocked on the door. Bela entered the door, relieved to see her alone, and saving herself from a punishment.
"Mother, is (Y/N) alright?" She asked.
Immediately concerned, Alcina turned her head slightly to glance at Bela, "What did you say?"
"(Y/N), she's in distress."
"So that isn't a maiden you're prepping for a new bottle?" She asked, clarifying as remained in her seat. She would run if she could, but her habits won her over as she saw Bela shake her head, "I thought it was a trespasser, Mother. Cassandra and Daniela are currently outside, and I wanted to find the intruder, but no one is here."
"Thank you, Bela. Go to your sisters, I will go find her." She instructed.
"Yes, Mother." Bela turned and closed the door behind her before going to her sisters.
Alcina immediately stood up, placed the glass on the short table in front of her before looking for you.
You were currently gripping at your chest, expanding the shirt until you heard ripping cloth, clutching at your head, your sobs getting more desperate and sorrowful. Your arms flailed around as you slapped yourself, scratched yourself, your body having a pressured sensation that worsened your flails, at one point drawing some blood. You gasped upon viewing the cuts on your arm, viewing your multiple fresh cuts. You brought your arm to your lips and licked at your blood, drawing more and causing more tears and sobbing. Your leg bounced to release some anxiety out of your system, only to flail once again.
The door opened and your eyes shot up, widening as you noticed who it was.
Alcina opened the door, not only to sense your heart beating, but the smell of blood awoke her maternal instincts. It was your blood in her nostrils and she wasn't even feeding from you, she thought you were in danger. She knew she wasn't your mother, but you have mentioned in the pass how your relationship with your family was almost nonexistent, and it saddens her in a way that you didn't have the relationship like her daughters have with her.
Her eyes widen in shock, her lips parted as her eyes landed on you, your body covered in the blankets, but your face filled with tears, sadness, and pain.
"(Y/N)!" She shrieked, strolling towards before she stopped in her tracks upon seeing how you reacted.
You whimpered, turning your head down and facing the wall, avoiding her stare, pulling the blankets for your comfort.
"...(Y/N)..." She whispered, "What happened? Who did this to you?" Her anger raised, ready to strike at whoever did this to you.
She was going to be mad at you, she was going to be mad at you, mad at you, mad at you-
"(Y/N), who, did, this, to, yo-" She spoke with pause, not taking your silence as answer. She didn't like to be ignored, but the sake of knowing who hurt her precious draga, she would mutilate them until they suffered a bloo-
"Me!-" You shouted, interrupting her thoughts, crying in shame, covering your face with the blanket. Alcina can see some of you, her expression in pure shock as she found out, "...(Y/N), if you're lying to me-"
"I'm not..." You whimpered, cowering into the cornered wall.
"Can I know why?" She reached her hand towards your body, finding your arm and squeezing lightly in comfort as you yelped in pain, causing her to flinch and bring back her hand. She was confused, but silently heartbroken to see you like this. What caused you to end up like this?
Her tone immediately calmed, using her comforting tone, "Princess-"
"Don't call me that!-" You cried out, clawing your head, your arms covering your ears, "Anhthinganythinganythinganything but that!" You trembled.
Alcina was beginning to get stressed, but she remained still, and her expression remained unreadable. She waited until you were able to speak, able to look at her.
However...when she saw an impulsive swat on your body, she immediately grabbed your wrists, her other hand held you from the blankets, pulling you closer, "I do not tolerate self-harm, (Y/N)." She warned, sternly. She had to maintain a strong look, even if it hurt her to see you in such a state.
She said your name...your name...the name you chose, the name she says when she's worried about you. Alcina saying your name had such a bliss feeling to it, it was relieving to hear it.
"...a-..again..." You stuttered, tired, your exhaustion showing as you struggled to raise your face, to look into her yellow eyes, "Please...say my name..." your tear up once again, your lips trembled lightly.
Alcina stared at you for a moment, your pleads were of desperation, and she was going to give you what you need, "...(Y/N)..."
Your lips curled ever slightly, but noticed by Alcina.
"Again...please." You plead, trying so hard to hold on, glancing at her with your heavy-lidded eyes.
Alcina carefully lowered your arms as she placed her gloved hand against your cheek, you leaning towards her touch, breathing low, on the brink of passing out. She leaned closed and kissed your other cheek, "(Y/N), my human..." she whispered against your ear. Your eyes shot wide, your lips parting slightly as they trembled as you weren't expecting her to say the last part. You didn't think you would have tears left to cry, but you raised your tired arms, muscles also trembling as you wrapped them around her neck, pulling yourself to her in a desperate, needed, and a thankful hug, crying softly against her shoulder.
Alcina wrapped her arms securely on you, one hand placed on the back of your head, She raised herself, holding you close, "Rest, draga mea." She whispered, feeling your body limp, your arms falling to your sides.
She took you to her chambers, a need to see for herself what injuries you sustained. She laid you on the bed, and already noticed something that upset her. The shirt you had on was not only ripped, nearly shredded, but you had scratches on your abdomen, your chest. Alcina removed your shirt and proceeded to take care of you, leaning down to lay gentle kisses on your warm skin. She can taste the blood from the scratches, fortunately they were shallow, but to have drawn blood on your beautiful body, what happened? Where you no longer happy to be with her?
Until she remembered your voice,
...Again...please....
And the way you reacted to her calling you a human, to say she was confused was an understatement, she was beyond bewildered.
It took a while before she finished healing your scratches, from your body, to your face. She sighed softly, peppering your face with her loving kisses. Your unconscious state would remain the same, but it hurt to see you in that state while she took take of care of you. It reminded her of something common, but never wanting it to occur on you, "(Y/N)...what happened?" She asked out loud, more to herself than to you. Instead she walked to her closet before returning and sliding you in a silk robe, hoping for the best comfort and tucking you in the bed. She would have to send some maidens to the previous room to clean up the mess, but she was now preoccupied with staying by your side. She was going to know what happened, and why you reacted in such a manner.
~
When you woke up, tired, your eyes blinking slowly before you started feeling your body, immediately closing your eyes and biting your lip softly to hold back tears. Instead, you closed your hand in to fists, and opened them slowly, not even wanting to focus on your body. You made her sad, disappointed, upset. She no longer wants to be with-
"Darling, you're awake." Alcina sits next to you on the bed, reaching forward and wiping a traveling tear on your cheek, "Why are you crying, draga mea, talk to me..."
You sobbed softly as you raised your hands to your face to hide your shame.
"If you don't talk to me, I will never know how I can assist you." She pointed it out.
You took a deep breath, only to gather more air and breathe out in small increments to control your breathing.
Your eyes travelled to your lady's eyes, those beautiful yellow eyes, and you noticed something different about them.
"Al...Alcina..." you shook your head softly as you closed your eyes softly, "I can't...I'm too scared." Your hand reached to your face, and Alcina takes your other hand, her thumb rubbing lightly on it, "There is no reason to be scared, iubere mea, only you are scared. There is nothing you say that will upset me, nothing." She reassured, placing down your hand and reaching forward to curl a few hairs behind your ear, an excuse to touch you reassuringly, "Nothing." She repeated.
Despite her demeanor, her confidence, her elegance, her passion, and her grace, she wouldn't lie to you. You just knew.
You take a shaky breath, reaching forward to get a hold of her hand, Alcina responding by squeezing it lightly, comfortingly resting on the bed.
You confessed, saying that you didn't feel as though you belonged to being described with feminine attributes, but you also didn't feel you belonged purely to the masculine attributes. You were neither a woman or a man. You explained to her how long you have kept hidden the fact, and how your current name, (Y/N) is the name you chose because it suited better than your previous, assigned name. You were open about how your family disowned you for the shame that you supposedly brought upon them, and how they dismissed your feelings as they referred to you with she/her pronouns, forcing you into female clothing, and how your lady would say those things and you were forced to hide yourself in fear of how she would react, afraid that she would kick you out if she found out.
Alcina felt a tremble from you, and her expression never changed, she was thinking, long and hard, "Hm, well, this is quite a predicament..." She stated, lifting a finger to her chin, "And I am ashamed for not knowing about this, but will you teach me more about this?" She asked, smiling small.
Your heart beat fast, but not in the stressful way, in the unexpectedly way, and how you couldn't help contain a smile. You nodded proudly, "Yes, I will." Smiling brightly at her, "Thank you, Alcina, thank you so much." you tear up once more, only for the overwhelming joy you felt. Alcina removed her heels for a moment and laid beside you, hushing you gently as she began to ask questions such as a term that can describe your gender identity, how she would refer to you, the nicknames you prefer, the nicknames you would prefer to stay away from, how to handle your body dysphoria, how to deal with misgendering, and your fashion sense.
As Alcina gained more knowledge, she couldn't help but ask, "Sweetheart, babes..." She tested out a few pet names which you loved so much, "If you knew from what period I was, why didn't you take advantage that I didn't know such thing?"
You quirked your eyebrow, "Hm?..." You tilted your head slightly, "What?"
"You could have said you like specific pet names, and how you like to dress a certain way. You already told me your name without me knowing of your previous name, why didn't you make more progress like that to help you with your discomfort?" She asked.
"Well...hm...I feel like you would be suspicious of me lying, or hiding things from you...and I wouldn't have the chance to explain so much...like I did right now...and sometimes I did like some feminine pet names, but my discomfort got the best of me." You explained as you can, "It feels so good to finally get everything out, and it feels even better that you are still with me."
"Oh, but, iubere mea, I would never reject you for who you are, it is why I am with you in the first place, dear." She kissed the top of your head, "You are, (Y/N), a strong and carrier of a golden heart, caring, but you are stuck by the chains of your past. I am not like the people who left you, you can be open about yourself at any point with me. You are allowed to be vulnerable and I will never turn away from your needs. I will always return your affections and I will always keep you safe. You do not ever have to put on a façade with me simply because I am from a different time period."
She saw you tear up once again and you hugged her tighter, Alcina returning the tight embrace. It was new to her, having to be so open with her feelings with anyone that wasn't her quill and a paper, but how could she hold in that stuff when you gave her such an important piece of yourself, and she was to be honest at the moment. She took a deep breath and used the hug as an excuse to let you know how she also felt.
It was a tight, heart-felt embrace, and you knew it. You felt her strong arms envelop you, but you also felt her loosen up as well, relaxing. In addition to telling you to be open about yourself with her, you thought she also had to follow through what she said with you, not hiding anything. You remember seeing her write letters and letters, and sadden at the thought she was alone for so many years. Your hand reached up to run your fingers through her hair, comfortingly. You pull away slightly, just to see her face, which she had her eyes closed in the intimate act. When she felt you pull away, she opened her eyes only to meet with yours, filled with joy and some tears sliding down your face. You gently grabbed her face as she allowed you to and pulled her into a passionate kiss. Alcina rested her hands on your waist as you both pulled away again and rested your heads against each other, eyes closed, and her thumbs gently rubbing against your back, and you reciprocating by rubbing against her cheek.