~Going to complain on the internet because I don’t want to burden my friends and I don’t have a therapist yea ~
Basically my mood has just been rough, and at this point I’m basically looking for justifications to hate myself and feel worse. And tbh I don’t really feel like getting out of this spiral because this my “law school thing” - It’s just what happens every semester. And over the summer I was actually a functioning person again not spending a majority of my free time ruminating on my failings or doing meaningless shit on the internet to avoid confronting them.
But I went out with a guy twice and I was actually really optimistic for once because he seemed into me as a person and not just because I was a piece of ass. And then things faded out and he always ends any text convo by not replying, and pretty much all of the recent ones I’ve started. And we haven’t gone out for weeks. So pretty much I’ve resigned myself to this not being a thing, which on a conceptual level is fine, but on a much deeper level bugs me a lot. Because he has every right to not be into me, but I honestly kind of want to know the reason just so I can use it as another reason to hate myself. And it also reinforces what I’ve kind of known to be true for a while, which is that any decent guy who is decently attractive is not going to be genuinely interested in me because I am fucking weird and I understand that but I also I literally can’t change that and I resent myself for it.
I was seriously thinking the other day that if I was given the button to completely eliminate the person I am and be someone attractive, socially skilled, reasonably intelligent and mostly a good person I’d be happy. I’d take it right away, even if I was super boring or had some emotional baggage or I had to have been born into a different family. And this isn’t meant to be a *pity me* kind of thing, I’m under the impression that my friends and family see at least some marginal value in the person that I am, but I personally don’t get any value out that person. The person that I am makes me cringe, makes me look away from the mirror, makes me resentful for all her failings.
I could seriously keep writing on this stuff for ages. The bit with the guy made me realize how lonely I am and how much I’d love to have a partner I could trust and who would value and appreciate me, and we could be there for each other. I’d closed myself off to that for a while (and didn’t think it was something I wanted/needed) because I’ve known how slim the chances are of finding something like that for me and it didn’t seem worth the time and effort. And now I’m just more bummed than I was before because I realized that I really do want something like that, but it has to be with the right person. And I’m pretty sure the percentage of people who fit into my ideals and would also be into me is 0.01%. I’m not fucking romantic, I’ve got weird mannerisms and weird hobbies and weird facial expressions. I’m moody, I’m unresponsive to texts, I’m bad at asking questions and communicating in general. Sure I have things to offer, but it’s not much and most of what I’ve got isn’t actually of value in a relationship.
This is such a downer. I’m still pretty miserable but I’m out of steam for articulating it. Peace.
