When you are at that point where you've skipped a lot of class and you've been avoiding work and you've done that thing where you go, "I am going to do ALL of the work, impeccably, and march back into class and admit that I'm a total fuck-up BUT LOOK I DID ALL THE THINGS." And now you're sitting there, and you can't really say why you haven't started working yet, but you have a sneaking suspicion that you're simply in denial about how much work you have to do and you feel that if you start you will have a panic attack.
I need to reschedule with the psychiatrist. Some shit is going seriously awry here, man, and I am not cool with it. I need to not feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. And speaking of, what is up with that? It's almost worse than actual breakdowns, when you're standing in class or in line or in the kitchen and you feel like it's all going to shatter.
It probably doesn't help to be paranoid that you are at risk for developing some nasty mental garbage. And it doesn't help to have a nagging voice telling you that you are a failure, and it's really no wonder that you're flaking out on everything now, as it was inevitable. And it doesn't help to be aimlessly dicking around on the internet, and it doesn't help to not really let anyone know what's going on.
We all have our ups and downs, and I appear to be having a down. And I think it may have been around this time last year that I had a very bad down. But that time I got out of it by dropping a class, and I can't do that this time, and I don't think it would help in the long run if I did.
