#depression rambles

[im-the-punk-who]

---

I’m considering i might need to straight up unfollow literally every black sails blog and tag i follow for a bit because of this whole weird thing i’m going through so i’m just gonna write it out here because i have no other place to do it. fair warning im aware this isn’t the best place to do this but i also literally /do not have anywhere else/. oh the mortifying ordeal of cutting yourself off from everyone believing yourself to not be enough for them.

Anyway the divide of ‘silver did nothing wrong and was sacrificing himself’ or ‘silver is an asshole who deserves to die’ between people i follow is really not doing good things for my mental health right now.

the whole plan to betray madi and flint in order to not lose them in a way that wasn’t in his control is ...lmao something i still do. and seeing people either dismiss the gravity of how badly he hurt both madi and flint with that - about the fact that it was a /really/ shitty thing to do and had nothing to do with saving either of their lives but especially flints - and how they absolutely should NOT be around him after that. and frankly not seeing any kind of actual growth from that in any readings of him. or seeing people condemn him for it and indulging that because of all the self hatred i harbor(and like, because it WAS a shitty thing to do, but at least half because i genuinely hate myself for having done very similar things multiple times) i just. blarg. 

 and like, i’m writing something else that’s more coherent and meta-y about why that is but i just feel like i might need to just completely cut myself off from everything right now. (HEY REMEMBER WHEN I WAS LIKE GEE I PROBABLY STILL DO THAT) lmao me @ me and john silver

and in conclusion god i wish i could afford therapy lmao

[moonbeambucky]

anxiety/depression rant under the cut

Im headed to my aunt & uncles house now with my dad and stepmom. I love my family but they are also very judgmental. In some ways im sure it has its roots in whats in the best interest for someone but its always made me feel like even more of an outcast. its another christmas and im still single, still fat. my cousin is married and pops kids out consecutively and despite the fact that she is financially unstable, is married to a fanatical, homophobic and lazy moron who is too lazy to get a job i feel like none of it matters and im always going to be viewed as “less than” because of my weight. and again comes the issue of dating... no i havent dated anyone in years, yes its bc im too insecure of myself .... im anxious and dreading the few hours that i have to spend there today, dealing with the inevitable talk of politics and trying to make my otherwise boring life sound interesting. no one gives a shit that i constantly go to disney. they’re in the mindframe of “why go if you dont have kids”, no one will care to discuss star wars theories or how excited i am for black panther and infinity war, and certainly no one gives a shit about me meeting sebastian stan. and so i will suffer in relative silence today, surrounded by family but still be alone. my step sis didnt even want to come today, at least if she were there i would have someone but no. and worst of all my aunts house is in some black hole where internet service is spotty. i’ll be lucky if im able to log on to this hellsite as my only escape.

[return-of-miss-mgm]

Is existence feeling like a fluorescent-lit, inescapable death spiral to anybody else or am I just having a panic attack in a Walmart again?

[tyrannosaurus-sock]

I know I was vaguely told that my gift for this exchange is coming, it's just late, but I've been forgotten in Secret Santa things before and I'm really not doing well, and that exchange was the ONE thing I was looking forward to, and I have...nothing. And no confidence that anything is coming. I got mine in WEEKS early because I didn't want to do this to someone, but the same couldn't be done for me. I'm sad. :( I knew I shouldn't have signed up. I knew it wasn't worth it.

[return-of-miss-mgm]

I'm scared of my goddamn fucking roommates 😓😖😥😭

[return-of-miss-mgm]

There are times when I wish there was just a clearly marked door I could go through. I don't think I'm suicidal, but I have a great desire to be set free of everything. Of talking. Of watching. Of working. Of thinking. Of being. Of transition. Of physical form. I'd like it all to just roll off my shoulders like water instead of weighing me down collectively.

I'm weak, and my resilience in spite of that doesn't make me any stronger. I'm just hollowed out as I try to go about my day and hide this all inside.

Sometimes I want to apologize for myself, beg pardon for the space I take up. But who to?

[return-of-miss-mgm]

these people don't love me and i just can't seem to pull away from them i'm somewhere between adrift at sea and sinking in quicksand

the water will kill me either way in the end

[return-of-miss-mgm]

Oh, am I ever having weird, counterproductive emotions today. It was all so... easy. Planned Parenthood was easy, all the name change stuff took about two hours and sixty bucks collectively, the job rolled with it and isn't gonna fire me, my parents are supportive, I'm getting SMILED AT in the ladies' restroom. Not a single bad thing has happened. And I should be happy, but instead I have this weird twinge of- dunno what to call it. Survivor's guilt? Maybe. I feel like I haven't earned this; and if it was gonna be so easy, why did my stupid ass wait 28 years to even test the waters? I feel like I've wasted time for no real reason.

Of course, I also worked all night. I could just really need sleep.