#des vents

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

i dont know how to get over the constant urge to actually try and live? i want to do seasonal work, i want to stop feeling this crushing guilt all of the time, i want to feel like myself and actually get out and find what i like doing, i dont want to think about how the world feels like its ending and how i only have a little over 14 years before my deadline (lol)

the only way i can think of to get rid of the itch to start a new life is to actually start it

but im so scared of actually making that change, im scared of giving up this "comfort" because what if it sucks what if its actually worse

but how will i know unless i do it and at least i have the privilege of knowing i can come back home no matter how stifling it feels right now

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

i havent been able to stop eating since like last week :/

not even actually hungry i just need to have everything i can for some reason?? i cant remember how i got out of this last time and im scared to actually weigh myself because theres no way im not up 4kg+ by now

im donating plasma again later so i guess i cant hide from the number since they weigh us but god i wish it didnt matter, i wish i didnt feel this bloated, i wish my stomach didnt hurt, i wish i didnt feel this sluggish and heavy, i wish i could sew my damn mouth shut

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

i cant stop thinking about sunday when we were deeeep, deep cleaning at work (had our most important inspection this past afternoon) and i said i would get the surface/walls above the fryer but ended up not being able to reach some of the walls unless i actually got on top of the whole thing and when i told another manager id leave it for the following night (since we'd be closing early) she was like oh riight, because youre sooo tiny

and i dont think she meant it in a mean way, likely just talking abt my height (5'2)? but my head keeps morphing it and it sounds worse and worse the more i think about it but i cant not think about it every time i look at myself in the mirror because no im actually not, still trying to get there so please never comment about my size ever again

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

everyday i wish for those greedy fucks to die miserable deaths and everyday im met with the news that nope theyre still kicking and theyre actually creating more and more damage and im so tired of it all, i feel like such a selfish coward for wanting to kill myself so i can finally escape it but oh well tok bad, still have to suck it up and go to work all normal and customer friendly

its even worse when i think about my parents and how im here complaining about my life when theirs has been 100x harder and oh my god the guilt is killing me im so sick of it all

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

sister/cousin/her friend finishing decorations while i work on the jello shots

hearing all the fun convo bc the rooms are across from eachother, but as soon as i finish and enter the living room everything dies down lol, just a few words here and there abt balloons and as soon as i go back to do smth else in the kirchen, it picks up again haha

anyway im done helping

this is me like half an hour later, i got too sad so i took a walk around the block and i was still sad so now im at taco bell now getting a baja blast zero

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

just snapped at my cousin over their instant answer to something abt flying as an immigrant FROM GEMINI AND CHAT GPT

instead of scrolling and reading for a min, yk looking at an actual resource for it,, ur just gonna wholeheartedly trust this bs

and yeah i admit i overreacted a bit (still am) but cmon its your sister, the world is scary rn, people are being stopped left and right, taken left and right,, how are you gonna go ahead and trust the first thing given to you by something that has been shown to have so much misinformation

i feel like im going insane trying to find a balance between staying informed and not fully crashing out/killing myself,, and yet theres still people like him that dont give a crap about changing the way they interact with the world

im now realizing that im actually not as angry about him using ai for everything as much as im upset about how i thought he was better than that and how he keeps showing time and time again that he isnt. so maybe i just need to stfu and stop interacting

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

i need to go to sleep. i needed to go to sleep hours ago.

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

kills me that i probably wont ever have a thigh gap bc of my goddamn anatomy but heyy at least having narrowish hips helps on the dysphoria front :|