It’s been screaming its all been screaming at random consecutive hours in the night
Music being heard through moments of little to no stimulation world fading in and out with no solution but to lay there and wait for my ends to meet
But it never will
The world will keep turning
And soon there after
Agony.
It won’t matters who’s under who’s over and who’s looking down at the coffin.
…your playing dead one way or another
And you’ll wake up.
No matter how much you bleed
How much you feed it
It’s not satisfied and your not satisfied
No one’s satisfied
If I could point fingers I would.
But I don’t like too
Because I know the truth.
And I lay there
Taking injustice like it was my cross to bear.
Taking my life away as if I was just a sentient doll living in a fantasy.
It hurts me
And that’s a common theme
Hurt
Injustice
Tolerance
Cycles in which I hope to break but never will
And now I’m
Scared
Do I scare people?
This
I entire novel worth of a thousand words worth of dumping my thoughts onto
Do
I
Scare the them?
You wouldn’t even know how bad I am until you had a camera on in the room
But eventually I act for cameras too
Too sweet for this too full of gullible senses for anything and no one takes me serious
No one
and you want maturity?
You got it
You got it so bad that some think I’m older than what I am.
… and I’m starting to think they like the age difference more then they let on.
And it scares me
I hate sex
I hate …. Hands on me I hate the thought of actively screaming in my head that “it’s not Me”. And how I don’t want this …. Because it’s true
I don’t
I
Don’t know what will make me happy if I feel as if I already failed so soon in this life
It’s melancholy with relief
A novel of misery brought to you written by my own scared hands of how
….badly. I want to change. But don’t know how. To
I feel as if I changed a million times over.
But it’s not enough. If some new version of myself
Has its own sets of issues preventing me from seeing and learning what I need to.
And it’s stupid
It’s stupid on surface level but fear runs far deeper than you think.
Far
Far deeper
And I’m paralyzed by it
But I need to shut the fuck up sometimes
I so need to
I admit it
I’ll choke myself out to admit it I do