loving you (is killing me) | j.h.
Summary: you’ve always known that dating a detective comes with risks, but you've never realized that it was even more dangerous to be split from said detective.
Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader
Author’s Note: this has been sitting in my drafts for two years so I decided to post it now lmao, happy reading
Warnings: mention of sex trafficking, alcohol and violence
Word Count: 3,4k
“Come on Y/N, you can’t be wasting away at home just because Jay broke up with you.”
“Stop being such an asshole, it’s barely been a week.”
Vanessa pursed her lips and plopped down on the couch next to you, pulling you close so you could lean your head on her shoulder. “I am sorry. I wasn’t trying to be an asshole. I know you’re hurting.”
And you were.
You and Jay have been dating for a long time. You’ve even been talking about your future together, getting a bigger apartment. But recently Jay’s been… Distant. And you weren’t sure if it was something you did or something you said. You never even found out what it was before he broke it off, and moved out of your apartment. After three fricking years. Just like that.
“If you want to, I can go punch Jay in the face, even if I run into the possibility of Hailey punching me.”
“Honestly, I don’t see Hailey wanting to punch you. You and Jay would just end up in a boxing match.”
The only thing that was keeping you from actually wasting away was that Vanessa was also going through a break up. The only difference here was that, while you were the dumpee, Vanessa was the dumper. Which you still didn’t quite understand, if you were being honest.
“I still don’t get why you broke things off with Hailey. I liked the two of you together. She was good for you.”
Vanessa sighed and unceremoniously shrugged with her shoulders, which were uncharacteristically strained. “Everything happened so fast and things were super intense with Hailey, I felt like the relationship was just breezing past me. I just needed to press pause for a second, you know?”
You pulled away to raise an eyebrow at Vanessa. This was the first time she had admitted out loud that this wasn’t a ‘pause’ and merely a bad patch in their relationship.
“Pause huh?”
“Shut up.”
Grinning, you tucked yourself back in Vanessa’s side, keeping your thoughts to yourself. You knew that Hailey and Vanessa eventually would end up together again, it was obvious that Vanessa still had feelings for her. They’d work it out. But then again, you had thought that you and Jay would work things out and where did that get you?
“Ugh, Jay’s such an asshole.”
“So we’re back on your thing, huh?”
“I am sorry, did you want to keep trying to tell me that you don’t want Hailey back?”
“Okay okay, we’re back on your thing. Jeez, woman. But you know my thoughts on this. Let’s go out. Fuck Jay. You’re a catch and you know it.”
Puffing out an exhale, you thought over Vanessa’s suggestion. She wasn’t telling you to date other people, just to go out, have some fun and distract yourself. As you thought over her words, you realized that while this wasn’t what you needed per se, it was obviously something that she needed, judged by the downcast look Vanessa was wearing whenever she thought you weren’t looking at her.
“Fine, let’s go out.”
Vanessa turned to you so quickly, you were worried she’d give herself whiplash, but she looked ecstatic, judged by her wide eyes. “Really?!”
“Yes, but please don’t make me regret this decision,” you groaned when she pulled you off of the couch and into your bedroom.
The next half hour, the two of you spent your time looking for outfits to wear to the ‘new hottest club in Chicago’ as Vanessa has put it. After fighting Vanessa for wanting to put you in the skimpiest outfit you’ve ever seen, you two agreed on some jeans and a decent top that showed some skin, but not all of it “Fine, be a prude, but if I had your assets, I’d sure as hell show them off.” You put some makeup on before you deemed it enough for a night out.
“Ugh,” you huffed when you got out of the cab. Apparently this really was the hottest club in Chicago based on how long the line to get in was. “Maybe this is a sign that we should go back home,” you said to Vanessa, trying to get her back to the cab, but your friend grabbed your wrist.
“Don’t be silly, we don’t have to stand in line. Come on, my guy’ll let us in.” With those words, she all but dragged you to the entrance and greeted the bouncer. “Hey Steve. This is my girl Y/N.”
Steve grinned at Vanessa and greeted her with a half hug. “Hey V. Your girl huh?”
“Oh, not like that,” you laughed and Steve nodded with a wink before he jerked his head towards the door.
“Get in. But don’t cause any trouble.”
“Can’t make any promises!” Vanessa called over her shoulder before the two of you headed inside the club and it felt like you had entered a completely different world. The music that was playing nearly deafened you and the decoration with the lights made the club look like an expensive version of every other club in Chicago.
“This is insane!” you yelled over the music and Vanessa grinned at you, mouthing told you so. Even though you didn’t even have a drop of alcohol in your system, you wanted to dance.
“Let’s go dance!”
Vanessa laughed at your sudden eagerness but complied anyway, stopping by the dance floor before you hit the bar. And as you found yourself crowded in by dancing people and with a laughing Vanessa by your side, you had realized that this was exactly what you needed after all. It seemed like the DJ was on your side too, as he kept playing one banger after the other and you felt obligated to keep dancing.
“Hey, wanna go grab a drink?” Vanessa asked and you gaped at her, waving your hands around.
“Are you kidding? During this song?”
She rolled her eyes at you, but it was obvious that she was pleased. “I’ll grab us drinks. G and T?”
You gave her a thumbs up and she disappeared into the crowd after a mere second. Strangely, you didn’t feel less comfortable now that Vanessa wasn’t by your side to shield you from strangers anymore and you just kept dancing and enjoying yourself. After Vanessa hasn’t returned after two more songs, you started to get worried. As you tried to find your way off of the dance floor by squeezing past a bunch of drunk people, while simultaneously keeping an eye out for Vanessa, you found a familiar face at the bar.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” you muttered to yourself and immediately averted your eyes. “Where the heck is Vanessa?” You weaved through the crowd and made sure to put as much distance between you and him as possible, but you knew it was to no avail when a hand gently wrapped around your wrist.
“Jay.”
“Y/N. Are you avoiding me?”
With a deep breath, you turned around to face your ex and looked up at him defiantly. “And what if I was?”
“You shouldn’t be here,” Jay sighed softly and you tugged your wrist out of his grip, glaring at him.
“I am pretty sure you lost the privilege of trying to tell me what to do Jay.”
“That’s not what I meant. I am working. We’re trying to catch a guy who’s been kidnapping drunk women from clubs and sex trafficking them across the border.”
“What? I haven’t seen Vanessa for a while, have you-”
“She’s with Hailey, don’t worry.”
You let out a laugh, shaking your head. “Of course she is.” At least one of you got your happy ending.
Jay opened his mouth, no doubt to tell you to go home but he paused, as if someone was talking to him. You guessed that someone from the team was saying something through the earpiece. His jawline tightened before he turned his attention back to you.
“Find Vanessa and go home. I have to go. Adam said he saw Keller leaving the club with a woman, so you should be safe. But please. Go home.”
His voice was incredibly small, you could barely hear him over the loud music. It almost made your walls crumble. Almost.
“I can take care of myself,” you hissed and sharply turned on your heel to get away from him. You located the bathroom and went inside, leaning against the sink to collect your thoughts for a second.
Jay seemed so vulnerable, worried. But maybe it was just the lights. By the way he just unceremoniously dumped you, it didn’t seem like he cared a bit about you. With a deep exhale, you exited the bathroom, immediately running into someone.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Y/N?”
You looked up at him in confusion for a bit before you recognized who it was. “Steve, right. Sorry. Have you seen Vanessa?”
“Yeah I saw her earlier. Are you okay? You look like you just saw a ghost,” he asked and placed a comforting hand on your shoulder.
“I am fine,” you said with a small smile.
“Why don’t you come back to the break room with me? Vanessa said she’d swing by, it’s probably easier to find her like that.”
You considered it briefly, but since Steve was a friend of Vanessa, you didn’t think for long. “Sure, that’d be nice.”
You followed Steve through the club, until you reached a door that almost wasn’t visible because it was the same color as the wall. Steve ushered you inside quickly and shut the door behind you. The break room was small, with two shelves lining the walls, a table and a couple of chairs in the middle.
“Come on, sit.”
With a long sigh, you plopped down on the nearest chair and leaned your head in your hand. Despite not wanting to follow Jay’s plea, you really did want to go home. But you weren’t going to let Vanessa stay here by herself, so you really hoped that she’d come by soon.
“Too much to drink?” Steve asked in amusement and you only shook your head.
“No, not even a drop.”
Steve chuckled and put a cup of water on the table, offering it to you.
“Thanks.” You took a big gulp of the water, before frowning at the weird aftertaste. “Is there alcohol in this?”
“What?” he laughed, shaking his head. “Of course not. It’s just water.”
Nodding slowly, you put the cup back on the table, eyeing it suspiciously. “Maybe I should just go find Vanessa. I don’t want to bother you,” you said quickly, standing up from the chair to leave, but somehow everything started swaying like there was an earthquake.
“Maybe you should just stay here” Steve said with a dark voice, pushing you back into the chair harshly. “I think you had too much to drink.”
“Sorry guys, false alarm. It was just a drunk couple. Keller is still somewhere inside,” Adam’s voice crackled through the earpiece and Jay cursed, balling his hands in a fist. He should’ve made sure it really was Keller before leaving you all by yourself.
“Fuck!”
He moved into a lesser busy corner of the club and slipped his radio out of his pocket. “Hailey? Where are you? Are you still with Vanessa? Where is Y/N?”
“I am outside with Vanessa, we couldn’t find Y/N.”
“She wouldn’t leave without me,” Vanessa chimed in, her voice muted. “She must still be inside.”
“Are you serious right now? Are you-?”
Jay was growing angrier and angrier by the second. This was exactly what he was afraid would happen. That you’d be in danger because of him. He paced back and forth, trying to think of a plan.
“Kim and Adam, search the entire club, Kevin, you take the top floor. Hailey, make sure to cover all the exits,” Voight’s voice rang through the radio. “And Vanessa… I know you’re not a part of Intelligence anymore, but we could really use your help.”
“On it Sarge,” Vanessa’s voice sounded through the radio and Jay shut his eyes, trying to get his head in order.
“Jay, don’t lose your cool. Just because we can’t find Y/N doesn’t mean Keller has her.”
“Wait, wait, hold on a minute,” Vanessa said, sounding breathless. “You guys are looking for Keller? As in Steve Keller?”
“Yes, why?”
“Oh god. He’s the bouncer of the club, right?”
“Yes, Vanessa get to the point,” Jay hissed into the radio.
“I know him, he’s- he’s a friend of mine and he let Y/N and me cut the line earlier.”
“Fuck! Are you fucking serious? Where the hell is that guy?” Jay snapped into the radio, his blood running cold.
“I don’t know!” Vanessa exclaimed.
“If he’s working here he could be in any of the staff rooms, check those rooms first.”
As soon as Jay heard those words, he raced through the club, hoping he was going to get to you in time. He pushed his way through the club, earning several dirty glances from party goers, but he didn’t spare them a second look. Jay only had one thing in mind.
You squirmed in the chair and it was hard to control your limbs. Steve had only tied you lightly, probably thinking that whatever he had dosed your water with, would render you defenseless. But you weren’t going to give up without a fight. You freed yourself from the zipties just like Jay once taught you and as Steve was talking with someone on the phone, you quietly stood up from the chair. Your stealthiness was unfortunately betrayed by a flimsy piece of tin foil you stepped on. Steve’s eyes were immediately on you and he harshly grabbed you by the arm.
“I have to take care of something,” Steve said into the phone before hanging up, backhanding you across the face, making you fall on the floor like you were made of paper. Wincing, you wiped your hand over your face and when you looked at it, there was blood all over.
“Steve, please let me go, you don’t have to do this,” you pleaded with the offender but he paid you no attention. He taped your mouth shut and tied your hands together tightly, adding tape for good measure.
You tried wriggling out of the zipties but it was no use. They were too tight and with the way you were lying on the floor, there was no way for you to get away. A single tear rolled down your face. You knew all the dangerous people Jay had to deal with and all the victims they left behind, but you never would’ve expected that this would happen to you.
Suddenly, the door was kicked open.
“Chicago PD! Show me your hands!”
You nearly started crying again when you saw Jay standing in the door, his gun trained on Steve as Adam and Kim hurried to pin Steve to the floor, cuffing him.
“Y/N, are you okay?” Jay asked, crouching down to check up on you. He gently removed the tape from your mouth and wiped the tears from your face, he was frowning so hard, you were afraid the frowns were etched into his face permanently.
“I am okay, I am okay,” you assured him, your voice croaky. You tried to give him a reassuring smile but your face hurt so much.
Jay exhaled softly, and then sat you up, cutting the tape and ties off your hands. “I was so worried,” he said quietly and stroked your cheek gently. “I thought I was too late. I am sorry, this is all my fault.”
“What?” You spluttered. “How is this your fault?”
“I… I broke up with you because I thought you’d be safer if you weren’t dating me. I was just trying to protect you and instead I pushed you into harm’s way.”
“This is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard,” you told him with a huff, before you coughed violently.
“Come on, let’s get you checked out,” Jay said and helped you up, walking outside of the club with you. The place was surrounded by police and people were standing around, either drunk or confused. Jay led you to the ambulance and sat you down. “I’ll have to check things with Voight and then I’ll be right back, okay?” He turned to the medic, pushing one finger into his chest.
“Keep an eye on her and make sure she’s alright okay?”
The medic nodded and turned their attention to you, tending to your wounds and bruises as Vanessa ran up to you, all breathless.
“Y/N, oh my god, are you okay?” She asked, grabbing you by the shoulders gently, nearly pushing the medic over. “Sorry, I need to check on my friend for a minute,” Vanessa said and the medic rolled his eyes, before he disappeared around the corner of the ambo.
“I can’t believe your guy is a sex trafficker, V,” you said, pulling a face at her and Vanessa frowned, wrapping her arms around you tightly.
“I am so sorry. I should have known that he was a bad guy.”
“How? With your supernatural senses? Come on, it’s not your fault.”
“Still. I would have wacked that asshole straight to county if Voight would’ve let me.”
You gave her a self-deprecating smile without pulling the stitches. “I am sure you would’ve.” You saw Hailey a few feet back and smiled at her before turning back to Vanessa. “You guys okay?”
“Yeah, I hope so,” Vanessa said, following your gaze to the blonde before her attention was shifted to a conversation between Jay and the medic that was taking place around the corner.
“-and you barely bandaged her wounds, are you kidding me?”
“That officer basically ran me over, what do you want me to do, Detective?”
“What about you?” Vanessa asked with a raised eyebrow as she turned back to you and you shrugged with your shoulders, biting back a laugh.
“I think we’ll be okay.”
“Rojas, out. Y/N needs a medic,” Jay said with the medic basically by the nape of his neck and Vanessa only mouthed “protective!” at you, before she ducked out.
“Seriously Jay. Stop fretting so much. I am fine.”
“You’re anything but fine. You’re hurt.”
“Not any worse than what you did,” you muttered and Jay sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Okay, out,” Jay told the medic who threw his hands up in frustration, walking off but not before muttering a very distinctive “Cops.” under his breath. Jay turned his attention back to you, cradling your hands. “I know I hurt you. But I wanted to protect you. Do you know what kind of target I am putting on your back by just being with you?”
“This isn’t news to me, Jay. I’ve always known that. But it’s been three years and then you suddenly just realized that? Sounds like bullshit to me.”
Jay sucked the air in sharply and he pressed his lips together, before he pulled a ring out of his pocket, showing it to you. Your eyes widened comically as you stared at the ring before you looked back up to Jay.
“Did I hit my head too hard or is that a ring?”
“I’ve been wanting to propose for a while now.”
“And the logical thing to do is break up with me, of course.”
Jay gave you a look that told you to be quiet and you pressed your lips together, though you couldn’t hold back your smile.
“The prospect of proposing to you, it made me realize how important you are to me and how I would literally lose my mind if anything ever happened to you, especially if it’d be because of me. I thought I’d protect you by breaking up with you and staying away, but tonight proved how wrong I was.”
There was a pause and you looked at him, blinking.
“... Do you always just carry that ring around, or…?”
“Y/N.”
“Right, serious talk,” you cleared your throat as he raised an eyebrow at you. “What? I am not saying yes, Jay. You haven’t even aske- get up!” You flushed when Jay got down on his knees and looked around, hoping no one had caught that. “We’re not even dating right now. Just… There are a lot of things to talk about and if all of those are resolved, you can ask. Properly.”
And a couple of weeks later he did, very very cheesily and over the top to your dismay. Secretly, you loved it, though.