coffee OR tea
day OR night
summer OR winter
rain OR shine
sports OR books
movies OR theatre
being liked OR being feared
having lots of acquaintances OR having a few close friends
reading OR writing
camping OR hotels
small towns OR big cities
cats OR dogs
texting OR talking on the phone
sleeping in OR getting up early
staying up late OR going to bed early
talking OR silence
money OR talent
lying to spare someone’s feelings OR being honest and direct
avoiding confrontation OR fighting absolutely everyone
working hard OR taking things easy
not touching a single human being OR cuddling everyone ever
optimism OR realism
one night stands OR a long term relationship
telling a joke OR hearing a joke
accepting comfort OR giving comfort
kissing OR touching
helping someone OR being helped
taking from others OR sharing
keeping secrets OR being an open book
telling the truth OR telling a white lie
cooking OR eating
takeout OR restaurants
sweet OR savoury
pop music OR rock music
pancakes OR waffles
library OR museum
love OR money
chocolate OR vanilla
cheese OR chocolate
pasta OR pizza
online shopping OR in-person shopping
smoking OR non-smoking
paintball OR the arcade
rollercoaster OR ferris wheel
formal OR casual
sneakers OR dress shoes/heels
poker OR chess
anxiety OR depression
fear OR anger
zoo OR aquarium
spa OR gym
office work OR outside work
shower OR bath
leather OR lace
security system OR a dog
hero OR villain
optimist OR pessimist
ghosts OR hallucinations
quick temper OR controlled
kisses OR hugs
structured routine OR flexible
neat freak OR messy
New Year’s OR Valentine’s
Christmas OR Halloween
Music festival OR Broadway show
Introvert OR Extrovert
Teleportation OR Mind reading
Forget who you were OR who everyone else was
Forgiveness OR Vengeance
Know when you will die OR how you will die
Work with an asshole OR a liar
byungchul didn't see why all the fuss had been necessary for a party they barely attended. why had kulap put so much attention into an outfit they both knew he didn't really want to be wearing? and as for byungchul's own outfit, he was still picking makki's fur off his hoodie by the time they made it to the safety of the rebels dorm.
that's what he was doing as kulap fiddled with the video player-- pulling strands of white hair from the fabric of his pink pullover. music filled the room rather suddenly, making him flinch. it wasn't even scary music, just the tacky soundtrack of some teen romcom movie kulap insisted they watch. byungchul had tried to fight him about it--seriously, they had been bickering all night--with a cleverly delivered speech about the unnecessary dramatization of romantic relationships on the fourteenth of february, blahblahblah, all paraphrased stuff from his mom, but kulap had stopped him in his tracks with an equally clever delivery of, "you're in a pink hoodie, puppy hyung."
and byungchul had said, "you like me in pink, though. don't you?"
and that's when kulap mimicked him. "you like romcoms, though. don't you, hyung?"
byungchul grumbled and huffed like it really bothered him, but kulap was right. he didn't mind watching movies like this. he especially didn't mind when he saw how happy they made kulap.
once the opening credits started rolling, kulap clamored onto byungchul's bed. he squeezed himself between byungchul and the wall, content to snuggle against the line of byungchul's body. given the current situation, it only made sense for byungchul to cast his arm over kulap's shoulders and pull him closer. yeah, that's what it was-- common sense and getting comfortable. nothing more.
kulap gave the smallest sigh of content, and byungchul tried his best to engross himself in the movie. he thought kulap was completely immersed when the younger took him by surprise and initiated conversation.
"hyung?"
"mm?"
"you know all that stuff you were talking about? with the nipples?"
byungchul choked on his breath. okay, yeah, kulap was definitely not as immersed in the movie as he once believed. not if he wanted to start talking about this. he felt like it was a trap, and still, he responded with, "uh... yeah?"
"are you ever gonna explain what you meant?"
"what i... what? what i meant by what?"
"by what you do to them," kulap said.
byungchul buried his face in his hands and let out the tiniest scream into the flats of his palms. he knew embarrassing conversations were unavoidable between roommates--did he really need to remember the watching porn together incident right now? probably not, but here he was, remembering it anyway--but he never intended to actually explain anything of this caliber to kulap. sure, he said he would explain once they got away from the crowd, but he was just using that as a way to help sweeten the deal of leaving the party early. he had been so focused on trying to avoid conflict, he didn't think about the consequences.
"hyung, are you okay?" kulap asked, lips pouty and eyes wide in concern.
byungchul could hardly hear the movie anymore over the chaos of his thoughts and the roar of his pulse. his voice broke when he said, "well--" and he stopped himself so he could clear his throat and try again. "you know when you do... stuff... to them... it's supposed to feel good."
"what kind of stuff?"
byungchul stopped hiding behind his hands, letting kulap see the vivid blush on his face. "you know..."
kulap shook his head. he didn't know.
"like biting--"
"like eating them?" kulap interrupted. he looked horrified, but also disconcertingly like he was about to say i knew it, and byungchul really didn't want him to say that.
"no, not like eating them!" byungchul yelped. "you can touch them and stuff, too. kulap, haven't you ever touched your own nipples?"
kulap's pout became more prominent on his face. "they're just nipples."
"yeah, so?"
"so why do you want to bite my nipples!"
byungchul made another exasperated noise. not once, ever, did he insinuate that he had an interest in biting kulap's nipples. nuri's, maybe, but that insinuation was purely by accident, and bound to happen eventually. had he considered doing anything in the vicinity of kulap's nipples? yeah, a guy could dream, but he was careful throughout this entire conversation! he abstained from verbalizing anything. he was just doing his best, answering kulap's questions as they came, but if all roads led to-- this-- then he needed to end this conversation, and he needed to end it now.
"look, kulap-- i'm not gonna bite your nipples just to show you how it feels, okay? jesus."
distraught, kulap brought his hands to cover his chest in a defensive motion. "don't touch mine 'til i touch yours!"
byungchul's mouth fell open in disbelief. "does that mean-- you're gonna touch my nipples?"
as soon as he said it, he knew he shouldn't have. he watched in horror as kulap's smile formed in tandem with an idea. before he could get away, kulap dislodged himself from between pink hoodie and the wall. he sprawled across byungchul's extended legs, successfully pinning them to the mattress below, and then he reached out and pinched.
"aha, now i can touch yours!" byungchul crowed, almost immediately after kulap's thin fingers came into contact with his chest.
kulap squealed and jumped off byungchul's legs--off the bed entirely--and went springing across the room. byungchul bolted after him, arm extended and fingers tugging at any hemlines that came into reach. each time, kulap escaped him just barely, swatting at his forearm to get him to desist. stitches from laughter formed in their sides, slowing them down as they bounced from bed to bed haphazardly in their chase.
finally, byungchul's hand caught kulap's ankle in its trap as the younger was sliding off byungchul's comforter, clawing at the carpet to propel himself forward. he went limp in byungchul's grasp, and byungchul let him go so he could tumble the rest of the way down. he didn't fall very far, as he was already halfway on the floor.
nonetheless, byungchul was inclined to peek over the edge of the bed as if it were a cliffside and ask, "are you okay?"
kulap didn't look up at him. he kept his head at an angle, as if he were peering at something beneath the bed, and that's when byungchul remembered.
"oh, shit-- kulap? hey, um, you really shouldn't be looking under there--"
kulap reached, and what he retrieved was exactly what byungchul feared he might find.
"it's... a puppy," kulap said, awestruck by the stuffed animal's pink fur. he hugged it to his chest, burying his face in the toy dog's plush head. louder, with more excitement, he repeated himself. "it's a puppy!"
byungchul wanted to die, just a little bit. he never intended for kulap to find the rather large, pink, stuffed dog that he bought him for valentine's day. a gesture like this was loaded with romantic intent and he couldn't bring himself to actually give it to kulap, so he crammed it under his bed like that would make the problem go away. then again, maybe he wanted it to be found?
he should have never tried to hide the dog from kulap in the first place, because kulap looked so ridiculously happy to be on the floor with this oversized plushie in his arms. byungchul should have remembered that this was the real reason he brought gifts home for anyone. he liked to see reactions. whether he desired good or bad reactions from others all depended on his moods, but reactions made everything he did worthwhile. it was like seeing someone react to something he did or said proved that he was capable of making an impact on others. he wasn't just drifting; he made a difference. he was here, and real, and others noticed. it was strangely comforting. and seeing that he made kulap happy was far more important than defusing the increasingly romantic feelings between them.
"you told me you didn't get me anything!" kulap whined. his voice was muffled because he was speaking directly into the stuffed animal.
"i know," byungchul stammered, "but that's-- it was just because-- i wanted it to be a surprise?"
kulap climbed back onto the bed and tackled byungchul, hugging him and squishing the dog in the process. "that's so sweet, hyung, thank you thank you thank you!"
byungchul buried his face into kulap's shoulder as he returned the hug, hoping that would somehow get his blush to dissipate, like the pink in his cheeks would redistribute itself into the pink of kulap's clothing. "happy valentine's day, kulap."
"happy valentine's day!" kulap chirped, sitting back on his haunches and trapping one of byungchul's thighs between his legs as he did.
byungchul shoved kulap over and hooked his arm back around his shoulders, forcing them to return to their seating arrangement from before. it didn't take long for them to get comfortable side-by-side again, and it took even less time for byungchul to feel the day's exhaustion picking at him. the movie droned on in the background, and kulap's breathing kept time with the cheesy backtrack, and it quickly lulled byungchul to sleep-- they were in his bed, so cut him some slack, okay?
and when he awoke in the early morning hours with kulap's fingers barely brushing his, and their legs almost intertwined, and that ridiculous pink dog wedged between them, he came to this conclusion: he finally had what he spent years on february fourteenth searching for.
byungchul hasn’t been here long, and he already knows that there is an infectious, feral cruelty that spreads within the trainees that have been laying in wait for years. those immature schoolboys left fermenting in the program are bitter about failing to rise to stardom, and they have their sights set on the weakest of the incoming wave in an attempt to compensate.
the company brings new trainees in from thailand, and there's an immediacy to the hunt. byungchul isn't oblivious as to why. they're foreign, which means it's apparently acceptable to treat them like they don't belong, more so than they treat anyone else. and byungchul can already tell who they are hungering to tear apart.
he's smaller than the rest of them, holding himself delicately like he's already on the verge of breaking and he's only just arrived. he wears clothes that never fit. he stumbles over his words. he doesn't quite know the language yet, and byungchul doesn't know what's so wrong about that-- it's not like the korean trainees are fluent in thai. he's got a round face, lips full and lashes long, and he's got that look about him. it's the kind of look that means he's pretty now, but he will grow up to be even prettier.
byungchul wishes he still felt that visceral surprise when he stumbles upon a terroristic scene, but he has come into conflict one too many times with these silver spoons pretending to be gangsters. he knows what to expect from them, and what he expects is never good.
it's animalistic, the way they're snarling slurs at the kid in a way that transcends language barriers. he doesn't think twice about forcing himself between them, standing on defense and vibrating from the intensity of his anger. he doesn't swing, but he shoves the ringleader in the chest, gets him to stumble backwards. he doesn't yell, but his voice turns dark as storm clouds when he tells them to fuck off.
the dance instructor rounds the corner, and that's what it takes to get everyone to disperse. byungchul turns around and startles when he sees the kid has been standing there the whole time. why didn't he take byungchul's intervention as his cue to run away?
"are you okay?" byungchul asks.
the kid nods, and then he starts stammering, like he's trying to find the words to say something else. he never manages to formulate his sentence, because the instructor ventures closer and asks if byungchul is bothering anyone, and the kid's expression morphs. he looks lost, like he doesn't understand what's being asked.
"we're fine," byungchul tells her. he hurries to leave before he takes the blame for the worry on the kid's face.
most of the new trainees either leave before they make it through their first month, or they blend into the backdrop, finding their own friends and their own sense of belonging, but not this one. he is consistently by himself, unless hovering nearby byungchul--never initiating conversation but always, always watching him--can be considered as something other than being alone. he doesn't go unnoticed, but byungchul lets him continue this without confrontation. if it bothered him, he might say something about it-- but it doesn't. not at all. in fact, he thinks he might like it.
and it's not like he's any better. he's not going out of his way to disrupt their newfound routine. he just goes about his business, taking comfort in the near-constant companionship of another person's eyes.
months go by like this, with the two of them in orbit of each other yet resisting the urge to collide, and it isn't until they are required to take the company's health education course that byungchul even learns his name. it's kitsuwon, according to the roll call, and he sits a row apart from byungchul in the classroom.
and then, when a handful of trainees are pulled at random for some exercise in the studio, byungchul finds out that he's kulap, too, and he wonders if it's appropriate to keep referring to him as a kid; he dances like he isn't one. seeing him perform--doing what he's come to korea to do--is like an electric cord getting thrown into the stagnant waters their routine has come to be. it's the first time byungchul is watching, as opposed to being watched.
byungchul feels ridiculous, because he's-- scared. he might say the wrong thing, make the wrong move, and lose the closest thing to friendship that he's got. he's been using his lack of information about the younger as a shield, but he can’t use that as an excuse anymore. he's got kulap's name. he's seen what he can do. it's not like he's hard to find, with the way he trails along after him. and it makes sense kulap isn't coming forward, doesn't say anything other than a simple greeting when they pass, because byungchul hasn't given him permission to come closer. he hasn't given anyone permission before. he's used to being held at arm's length and he's used to keeping it that way, so it makes sense that he needs to be the one who says something first.
even still, he can't bring himself to say anything until he notices that something is different. not different like he’s grown taller or he’s getting thinner-- which he has been, and byungchul has noticed that too-- but different nonetheless.
the day he notices, byungchul stops him from leaving the classroom after their attended course, catching his wrist and asking him to wait. kulap doesn't fight his grip whatsoever, making it easy to forget that he's still holding onto him when he begins his inspection of the younger.
"my turn to repay the favour, right?" he jokes, unaware of the difference between staring from afar and examining from up close and personal.
"wh-what?"
"didn't think i noticed?" byungchul asks. that teasing lilt to his voice hasn't left.
kulap's face goes brilliantly pink and he shakes his head no.
"stop moving," byungchul instructs, and kulap does, enabling him to lean fractionally closer. his eyes naturally drop to kulap's lips, and yes-- there is definitely something different here.
"what are you--?" kulap starts, and byungchul admires the way his lips curl around the words, allowing slivers of his teeth to be visible, and that's what drives byungchul into an epiphany.
"you used to have braces!"
kulap's mouth shuts quicker than a live mousetrap. he nods to confirm that yes, he did used to have braces.
"lemme see," byungchul insists.
kulap drops his jaw obediently.
byungchul crouches slightly, putting himself level with kulap's mouth, and tilts his head to see the way kulap's teeth angle. they don't look crooked. his canines are noticeably sharp, as they should be.
"not bad," he says, tilting his head the other way. "not bad at all. if i didn't know you had them before, i never would've guessed."
when kulap's tongue flicks out to swipe across his dry lips, byungchul straightens back up. the lull in conversation might be awkward for kulap, but byungchul remains oblivious to it. he keeps looking--no longer just at kulap's mouth--and kulap descends into nervous fidgeting.
"what's it look like when you smile?" byungchul asks, breaking the silence.
"like..." kulap begins, and instead of using words, he smiles to demonstrate.
"man, it seriously makes a difference without them."
kulap blinks at him. "really?"
there's a noise--sneakers squeaking in the distance, like someone is about to join them in the hallway where they stand--and it makes kulap go rigid in alarm. when byungchul turns to look over his shoulder, checking to see who might be coming their way, his hand lets go of kulap's wrist like he hasn't been holding it this entire time. no one’s there yet, but kulap is poised like he's about to run, and byungchul doesn't want to keep him there if he doesn't want to stay.
"don't be a stranger," byungchul tells him.
kulap's brow creases and byungchul regrets using an idiom that kulap doesn't seem to know. he thinks he did an okay job otherwise in letting kulap know that he won't mind if the younger decides to approach him-- and he hopes the younger will, eventually, approach him rather than continuing to watch from afar-- but he can't do anything more than hope.
an all too familiar person has appeared at the far end of the hallway. it's one of the more rambunctious of the trainees, one who makes particularly disgusting comments that get on byungchul's nerves.
all it takes is one look at kulap's face for byungchul realize just how scary the idea of an impending confrontation must be for someone who is timid in everyday situations. kulap confirms that byungchul has come to the right conclusion when he mutters, "i think i... i have to go to practice."
byungchul nods, encouraging him to leave, and kulap takes off in the opposite direction.
