song byungchul as pamela isley or poison ivy, a villain well-known for his ability to exude lethal antigens and intoxicating pheromones. these powers have always been with him, operating on a hardly noticeable level, but did not make themselves known until they were forced to the surface. at a young age, he was taken captive by a scientist that admired his beauty. the scientist believed he possessed the potential to be greater than human, and wanted to perform tests in hopes of stimulating mutant genes. it wasn’t until the scientist’s experimentation proved successful that byungchul could make his escape.
too frequently, he has been taken advantage of by those enthralled by the pheromones his powers involuntarily produce in others, and now, he despises being perceived as alluring. anyone that objectifies or targets others find themselves being returned to the earth. if he were able to change his methods, redeeming himself as a superhero would not be impossible; however, for obvious reasons, he has difficulty trusting people above plants.
thus far, he has only felt comfortable enough to allow kulap and nuri into his life at an intimate level. in order to protect them, he has helped them build an immunity to the biochemical toxins of his person. in doing so, not only can neither of them be poisoned by him, but they can no longer be poisoned by anyone.
kulap kitsuwon as harleen quinzel or harley quinn, a whimsical and childish villain whose powers were born out of an abusive relationship with one bank chaiprasit or the joker. after psychologically tormenting kulap into submission and obedience, bank grew bored with how easily malleable kulap was and became more fascinated by what all the younger might do for him. curiosity laced with murderous intent: would kulap die for him?
one of bank’s many attempts to kill kulap resulted in exposure to a radioactive vat that, to bank’s frustration, increased kulap’s bodily resistance to harm. having already exhausted the possibilities of manipulating kulap any further, and no longer able to hurt kulap physically in the ways he desired, bank realized the only option he had left, if he wished to continue harming kulap, would be to abandon him. he derived pleasure in kicking kulap back onto the streets.
love-sick and disillusioned, kulap continued believing that bank could do no wrong. it was byungchul that helped him realize the truth. because of this, kulap became quickly infatuated with the older, and later found himself equally as affectionate for nuri, who offered to help them exact revenge.
lee nuri as selina kyle or catwoman, a grey-moral thief that tends to align with those he feels most strongest towards as opposed to actually picking a side in the fight of good vs evil. after the death of his father, nuri found himself most often aligning with the needs of his remaining family, even if that meant going outside the law in order to support them. having to resort to criminal methods at such a young age took a toll on him; the use of a villainous alias for so long has permanently created a divide in his personality, creating two distinct halves as a psychological means to disassociate himself from his life of crime.
unlike his criminal counterparts, nuri’s strength comes from rigorous training. it would not be untrue to say that his only “super” power is the immunity to toxic chemicals, and even that was given to him by byungchul as a token of trust. these two had crossed paths many times in their endeavors before finally deciding to ally with one another, because even the most self-isolating of individuals take comfort in the company of those who are similar to them.
later, when byungchul brought kulap into nuri’s life, and he heard of the horrors the youngest of the three had lived through, offering his loyalty was no question. like byungchul, he wished to protect kulap. when the idea of vengeance came to the table, it was nuri who assumed charge of planning their operation, and kulap and byungchul offered no complaints-- of their trio, nuri had survived the longest in the throes of gotham and did so without the use of abilities beyond a human’s. clearly, he was best fit to lead.
byungchul didn't see why all the fuss had been necessary for a party they barely attended. why had kulap put so much attention into an outfit they both knew he didn't really want to be wearing? and as for byungchul's own outfit, he was still picking makki's fur off his hoodie by the time they made it to the safety of the rebels dorm.
that's what he was doing as kulap fiddled with the video player-- pulling strands of white hair from the fabric of his pink pullover. music filled the room rather suddenly, making him flinch. it wasn't even scary music, just the tacky soundtrack of some teen romcom movie kulap insisted they watch. byungchul had tried to fight him about it--seriously, they had been bickering all night--with a cleverly delivered speech about the unnecessary dramatization of romantic relationships on the fourteenth of february, blahblahblah, all paraphrased stuff from his mom, but kulap had stopped him in his tracks with an equally clever delivery of, "you're in a pink hoodie, puppy hyung."
and byungchul had said, "you like me in pink, though. don't you?"
and that's when kulap mimicked him. "you like romcoms, though. don't you, hyung?"
byungchul grumbled and huffed like it really bothered him, but kulap was right. he didn't mind watching movies like this. he especially didn't mind when he saw how happy they made kulap.
once the opening credits started rolling, kulap clamored onto byungchul's bed. he squeezed himself between byungchul and the wall, content to snuggle against the line of byungchul's body. given the current situation, it only made sense for byungchul to cast his arm over kulap's shoulders and pull him closer. yeah, that's what it was-- common sense and getting comfortable. nothing more.
kulap gave the smallest sigh of content, and byungchul tried his best to engross himself in the movie. he thought kulap was completely immersed when the younger took him by surprise and initiated conversation.
"hyung?"
"mm?"
"you know all that stuff you were talking about? with the nipples?"
byungchul choked on his breath. okay, yeah, kulap was definitely not as immersed in the movie as he once believed. not if he wanted to start talking about this. he felt like it was a trap, and still, he responded with, "uh... yeah?"
"are you ever gonna explain what you meant?"
"what i... what? what i meant by what?"
"by what you do to them," kulap said.
byungchul buried his face in his hands and let out the tiniest scream into the flats of his palms. he knew embarrassing conversations were unavoidable between roommates--did he really need to remember the watching porn together incident right now? probably not, but here he was, remembering it anyway--but he never intended to actually explain anything of this caliber to kulap. sure, he said he would explain once they got away from the crowd, but he was just using that as a way to help sweeten the deal of leaving the party early. he had been so focused on trying to avoid conflict, he didn't think about the consequences.
"hyung, are you okay?" kulap asked, lips pouty and eyes wide in concern.
byungchul could hardly hear the movie anymore over the chaos of his thoughts and the roar of his pulse. his voice broke when he said, "well--" and he stopped himself so he could clear his throat and try again. "you know when you do... stuff... to them... it's supposed to feel good."
"what kind of stuff?"
byungchul stopped hiding behind his hands, letting kulap see the vivid blush on his face. "you know..."
kulap shook his head. he didn't know.
"like biting--"
"like eating them?" kulap interrupted. he looked horrified, but also disconcertingly like he was about to say i knew it, and byungchul really didn't want him to say that.
"no, not like eating them!" byungchul yelped. "you can touch them and stuff, too. kulap, haven't you ever touched your own nipples?"
kulap's pout became more prominent on his face. "they're just nipples."
"yeah, so?"
"so why do you want to bite my nipples!"
byungchul made another exasperated noise. not once, ever, did he insinuate that he had an interest in biting kulap's nipples. nuri's, maybe, but that insinuation was purely by accident, and bound to happen eventually. had he considered doing anything in the vicinity of kulap's nipples? yeah, a guy could dream, but he was careful throughout this entire conversation! he abstained from verbalizing anything. he was just doing his best, answering kulap's questions as they came, but if all roads led to-- this-- then he needed to end this conversation, and he needed to end it now.
"look, kulap-- i'm not gonna bite your nipples just to show you how it feels, okay? jesus."
distraught, kulap brought his hands to cover his chest in a defensive motion. "don't touch mine 'til i touch yours!"
byungchul's mouth fell open in disbelief. "does that mean-- you're gonna touch my nipples?"
as soon as he said it, he knew he shouldn't have. he watched in horror as kulap's smile formed in tandem with an idea. before he could get away, kulap dislodged himself from between pink hoodie and the wall. he sprawled across byungchul's extended legs, successfully pinning them to the mattress below, and then he reached out and pinched.
"aha, now i can touch yours!" byungchul crowed, almost immediately after kulap's thin fingers came into contact with his chest.
kulap squealed and jumped off byungchul's legs--off the bed entirely--and went springing across the room. byungchul bolted after him, arm extended and fingers tugging at any hemlines that came into reach. each time, kulap escaped him just barely, swatting at his forearm to get him to desist. stitches from laughter formed in their sides, slowing them down as they bounced from bed to bed haphazardly in their chase.
finally, byungchul's hand caught kulap's ankle in its trap as the younger was sliding off byungchul's comforter, clawing at the carpet to propel himself forward. he went limp in byungchul's grasp, and byungchul let him go so he could tumble the rest of the way down. he didn't fall very far, as he was already halfway on the floor.
nonetheless, byungchul was inclined to peek over the edge of the bed as if it were a cliffside and ask, "are you okay?"
kulap didn't look up at him. he kept his head at an angle, as if he were peering at something beneath the bed, and that's when byungchul remembered.
"oh, shit-- kulap? hey, um, you really shouldn't be looking under there--"
kulap reached, and what he retrieved was exactly what byungchul feared he might find.
"it's... a puppy," kulap said, awestruck by the stuffed animal's pink fur. he hugged it to his chest, burying his face in the toy dog's plush head. louder, with more excitement, he repeated himself. "it's a puppy!"
byungchul wanted to die, just a little bit. he never intended for kulap to find the rather large, pink, stuffed dog that he bought him for valentine's day. a gesture like this was loaded with romantic intent and he couldn't bring himself to actually give it to kulap, so he crammed it under his bed like that would make the problem go away. then again, maybe he wanted it to be found?
he should have never tried to hide the dog from kulap in the first place, because kulap looked so ridiculously happy to be on the floor with this oversized plushie in his arms. byungchul should have remembered that this was the real reason he brought gifts home for anyone. he liked to see reactions. whether he desired good or bad reactions from others all depended on his moods, but reactions made everything he did worthwhile. it was like seeing someone react to something he did or said proved that he was capable of making an impact on others. he wasn't just drifting; he made a difference. he was here, and real, and others noticed. it was strangely comforting. and seeing that he made kulap happy was far more important than defusing the increasingly romantic feelings between them.
"you told me you didn't get me anything!" kulap whined. his voice was muffled because he was speaking directly into the stuffed animal.
"i know," byungchul stammered, "but that's-- it was just because-- i wanted it to be a surprise?"
kulap climbed back onto the bed and tackled byungchul, hugging him and squishing the dog in the process. "that's so sweet, hyung, thank you thank you thank you!"
byungchul buried his face into kulap's shoulder as he returned the hug, hoping that would somehow get his blush to dissipate, like the pink in his cheeks would redistribute itself into the pink of kulap's clothing. "happy valentine's day, kulap."
"happy valentine's day!" kulap chirped, sitting back on his haunches and trapping one of byungchul's thighs between his legs as he did.
byungchul shoved kulap over and hooked his arm back around his shoulders, forcing them to return to their seating arrangement from before. it didn't take long for them to get comfortable side-by-side again, and it took even less time for byungchul to feel the day's exhaustion picking at him. the movie droned on in the background, and kulap's breathing kept time with the cheesy backtrack, and it quickly lulled byungchul to sleep-- they were in his bed, so cut him some slack, okay?
and when he awoke in the early morning hours with kulap's fingers barely brushing his, and their legs almost intertwined, and that ridiculous pink dog wedged between them, he came to this conclusion: he finally had what he spent years on february fourteenth searching for.
meaningless, everyday things are now like new as if i’ve seen the world for the first time. i’m surprised every day, you’ve changed me. you drew a new me onto my empty face. you are my starlight.
byungchul hasn’t been here long, and he already knows that there is an infectious, feral cruelty that spreads within the trainees that have been laying in wait for years. those immature schoolboys left fermenting in the program are bitter about failing to rise to stardom, and they have their sights set on the weakest of the incoming wave in an attempt to compensate.
the company brings new trainees in from thailand, and there's an immediacy to the hunt. byungchul isn't oblivious as to why. they're foreign, which means it's apparently acceptable to treat them like they don't belong, more so than they treat anyone else. and byungchul can already tell who they are hungering to tear apart.
he's smaller than the rest of them, holding himself delicately like he's already on the verge of breaking and he's only just arrived. he wears clothes that never fit. he stumbles over his words. he doesn't quite know the language yet, and byungchul doesn't know what's so wrong about that-- it's not like the korean trainees are fluent in thai. he's got a round face, lips full and lashes long, and he's got that look about him. it's the kind of look that means he's pretty now, but he will grow up to be even prettier.
byungchul wishes he still felt that visceral surprise when he stumbles upon a terroristic scene, but he has come into conflict one too many times with these silver spoons pretending to be gangsters. he knows what to expect from them, and what he expects is never good.
it's animalistic, the way they're snarling slurs at the kid in a way that transcends language barriers. he doesn't think twice about forcing himself between them, standing on defense and vibrating from the intensity of his anger. he doesn't swing, but he shoves the ringleader in the chest, gets him to stumble backwards. he doesn't yell, but his voice turns dark as storm clouds when he tells them to fuck off.
the dance instructor rounds the corner, and that's what it takes to get everyone to disperse. byungchul turns around and startles when he sees the kid has been standing there the whole time. why didn't he take byungchul's intervention as his cue to run away?
"are you okay?" byungchul asks.
the kid nods, and then he starts stammering, like he's trying to find the words to say something else. he never manages to formulate his sentence, because the instructor ventures closer and asks if byungchul is bothering anyone, and the kid's expression morphs. he looks lost, like he doesn't understand what's being asked.
"we're fine," byungchul tells her. he hurries to leave before he takes the blame for the worry on the kid's face.
most of the new trainees either leave before they make it through their first month, or they blend into the backdrop, finding their own friends and their own sense of belonging, but not this one. he is consistently by himself, unless hovering nearby byungchul--never initiating conversation but always, always watching him--can be considered as something other than being alone. he doesn't go unnoticed, but byungchul lets him continue this without confrontation. if it bothered him, he might say something about it-- but it doesn't. not at all. in fact, he thinks he might like it.
and it's not like he's any better. he's not going out of his way to disrupt their newfound routine. he just goes about his business, taking comfort in the near-constant companionship of another person's eyes.
months go by like this, with the two of them in orbit of each other yet resisting the urge to collide, and it isn't until they are required to take the company's health education course that byungchul even learns his name. it's kitsuwon, according to the roll call, and he sits a row apart from byungchul in the classroom.
and then, when a handful of trainees are pulled at random for some exercise in the studio, byungchul finds out that he's kulap, too, and he wonders if it's appropriate to keep referring to him as a kid; he dances like he isn't one. seeing him perform--doing what he's come to korea to do--is like an electric cord getting thrown into the stagnant waters their routine has come to be. it's the first time byungchul is watching, as opposed to being watched.
byungchul feels ridiculous, because he's-- scared. he might say the wrong thing, make the wrong move, and lose the closest thing to friendship that he's got. he's been using his lack of information about the younger as a shield, but he can’t use that as an excuse anymore. he's got kulap's name. he's seen what he can do. it's not like he's hard to find, with the way he trails along after him. and it makes sense kulap isn't coming forward, doesn't say anything other than a simple greeting when they pass, because byungchul hasn't given him permission to come closer. he hasn't given anyone permission before. he's used to being held at arm's length and he's used to keeping it that way, so it makes sense that he needs to be the one who says something first.
even still, he can't bring himself to say anything until he notices that something is different. not different like he’s grown taller or he’s getting thinner-- which he has been, and byungchul has noticed that too-- but different nonetheless.
the day he notices, byungchul stops him from leaving the classroom after their attended course, catching his wrist and asking him to wait. kulap doesn't fight his grip whatsoever, making it easy to forget that he's still holding onto him when he begins his inspection of the younger.
"my turn to repay the favour, right?" he jokes, unaware of the difference between staring from afar and examining from up close and personal.
"wh-what?"
"didn't think i noticed?" byungchul asks. that teasing lilt to his voice hasn't left.
kulap's face goes brilliantly pink and he shakes his head no.
"stop moving," byungchul instructs, and kulap does, enabling him to lean fractionally closer. his eyes naturally drop to kulap's lips, and yes-- there is definitely something different here.
"what are you--?" kulap starts, and byungchul admires the way his lips curl around the words, allowing slivers of his teeth to be visible, and that's what drives byungchul into an epiphany.
"you used to have braces!"
kulap's mouth shuts quicker than a live mousetrap. he nods to confirm that yes, he did used to have braces.
"lemme see," byungchul insists.
kulap drops his jaw obediently.
byungchul crouches slightly, putting himself level with kulap's mouth, and tilts his head to see the way kulap's teeth angle. they don't look crooked. his canines are noticeably sharp, as they should be.
"not bad," he says, tilting his head the other way. "not bad at all. if i didn't know you had them before, i never would've guessed."
when kulap's tongue flicks out to swipe across his dry lips, byungchul straightens back up. the lull in conversation might be awkward for kulap, but byungchul remains oblivious to it. he keeps looking--no longer just at kulap's mouth--and kulap descends into nervous fidgeting.
"what's it look like when you smile?" byungchul asks, breaking the silence.
"like..." kulap begins, and instead of using words, he smiles to demonstrate.
"man, it seriously makes a difference without them."
kulap blinks at him. "really?"
there's a noise--sneakers squeaking in the distance, like someone is about to join them in the hallway where they stand--and it makes kulap go rigid in alarm. when byungchul turns to look over his shoulder, checking to see who might be coming their way, his hand lets go of kulap's wrist like he hasn't been holding it this entire time. no one’s there yet, but kulap is poised like he's about to run, and byungchul doesn't want to keep him there if he doesn't want to stay.
"don't be a stranger," byungchul tells him.
kulap's brow creases and byungchul regrets using an idiom that kulap doesn't seem to know. he thinks he did an okay job otherwise in letting kulap know that he won't mind if the younger decides to approach him-- and he hopes the younger will, eventually, approach him rather than continuing to watch from afar-- but he can't do anything more than hope.
an all too familiar person has appeared at the far end of the hallway. it's one of the more rambunctious of the trainees, one who makes particularly disgusting comments that get on byungchul's nerves.
all it takes is one look at kulap's face for byungchul realize just how scary the idea of an impending confrontation must be for someone who is timid in everyday situations. kulap confirms that byungchul has come to the right conclusion when he mutters, "i think i... i have to go to practice."
byungchul nods, encouraging him to leave, and kulap takes off in the opposite direction.
word count: 1597w
trigger warnings: the briefest mention of unsafe sex, and an almost kiss that could be interpreted as non-consensual
trainees era.
summer of 2015.
he's caught the attention of plenty in the past. he's going to catch the attention of more in the future; that's the business of an idol. and while he's not an idol yet, he's got potential. that's what select members of the staff insist to the CEO. you can't get rid of him. he's got potential.
he's got the potential to fuck up, that's for sure. he doesn't know what he did to make that handful of managers believe he's anything other than terrible, but then again, he doesn't know what he did to catch the interest of anyone in the past. even as he's charming--preying on--the more daring of trainee girls, he doesn't know how it's enough. he doesn't know how anyone could buy into what he's selling.
tell them what they want to hear, and they'll delude themselves into thinking you're not as bad as everyone says so that you'll keep complimenting them. put your hands here, and they'll forget your reputation. too bad it doesn't work both ways. he never loses himself with those girls, they lose themselves in him. and he walks away knowing it's a lie. he's still shit.
it wasn't until he ventured outside the facility that he believed otherwise. he may never be a good person--he may never be worthy of those managers and their faith, he may never deserve that shadow in the window, watching him, waiting for him to come back 'home'--but he's not bad at everything.
when it's with anatomy like his own, he's not bad. he's not shit. he's got potential and he can lose himself. he's good at this. when his face is sticky and red and there's a guy's hand pulling his hair, he knows that he's enough. whoever he's with that night tells him that he's pretty, he's perfect, and he thinks that if that's what people see, it's no wonder they believe he's better than he is.
he knows that it's kulap who perches and presses himself against the glass panes in the late hours, because who else would it be? kulap has watched him since the day they met. and it's a stare byungchul recognizes, because he's been at the receiving end of it many times; kulap wants him. but he never comes forth. even after byungchul approached him outside the classroom, complimented him and tried offering himself as someone worth befriending, nothing came of it. he took comfort in the fact kulap hadn't stopped watching him after that, but--
recently, things have changed, and after everything kulap has seen, after all the idols-in-training that byungchul has pulled flush against his hips, slipped his hands under their skirts and whispered sweet nothings into their ears, face tickled by the strands of hair they didn't manage to capture within their elastic bands, he is surprised that this is what forced him away.
each time he sneaked off with a girl, he failed to close the door entirely, entertaining the idea of kulap stationing himself outside, watching the same way he watches when they're in the studio together. it was with these thoughts in mind that he pursued a guy--cute enough, but not quite his type--for the first time without leaving the company grounds. he wanted this to prove to kulap that he was interested, that he wasn't off-limits; if kulap wanted him, he could have him. all he had to do was ask.
but kulap hasn't asked. he hasn't done anything. he averts his eyes, now, and byungchul feels like a ship that's lost its anchor-- the waves are more tumultuous than ever to traverse, and byungchul is getting swept away, saltwater stinging his eyes and sea-foam stinging in his lungs.
he knows kulap's schedule because it's the same as his own-- that hasn't changed. he is pensive and quiet as he observes the younger push his limits with an intensive focus; he knows it's intensive, because it's the same focus kulap used to train on him and not his pursuits.
byungchul wants to be happy for him, but he struggles to feel anything, let alone anything as intensely as he did only a week before. he remembers going through this as a kid, the memories he has of time periods like these are both distinct and distant, like he wasn't fully present in his own life. he knows, logically, that his emotions will return to their blade-sharp regularity, but in the moment, it's as if the dull static filling his head will never leave.
maybe he's better like this, he thinks, because he stops getting into as many fights. he can barely muster the energy to defend himself, let alone anyone else. he finds himself slipping out, begging people to handle him roughly so he can feel something, and it doesn't matter if he's sore the next day, because the only person who would have noticed isn't bothering to watch him anymore.
maybe he's better like this, he thinks, because he attracts another tag-along. when he's like this, there's less chance of making the same mistakes and scaring his new friend.
maybe he should move on, he thinks.
he's in the middle of a conversation when it hits him: what if kulap already has? in the four weeks kulap hasn't spared him a glance, he hadn't considered this a possibility until now. what if kulap never looked at him again?
he's suddenly struggling to stay upright, and he thinks he might be sick, bile crawling in his throat but he swallows it down. he fakes laughter to ward suspicion off himself, pretending like he's still invested in his friend's chattering. he waits as long as he possibly can before he excuses himself.
it's coincidence, running into kulap after having these thoughts worm their way into his head. he's leaving the locker room just as byungchul is heading for it, and it's evident that he's finished showering only moments before; his hair's still wet, and the water speckles the shoulders of his shirt. he's-- byungchul isn't sure what he's doing, actually. is he smelling the inside of his wrist?
byungchul's breath hurts like broken glass in his chest. he didn't know it was possible to miss someone he didn't talk to, but here he is, physically hurting because he misses kulap so much. he has gone a month without feeling anything, and now he's feeling everything at once, and it's too much. overloaded with emotion, he acts on autopilot.
tell him what he wants to hear, and he'll delude himself--
"that's cute." byungchul flashes his teeth in a way that isn't meant to scare. it's awful, the way his heart stutters when kulap makes eye contact with him. he thinks he's asking when he says, "let me smell too."
put your hands here, and he'll forget your reputation--
kulap is lighter than a bird's hollow bones. when byungchul takes his arm, it's rougher than he wants it to be, like he's been his whole life, and he forces himself to ease off the wrist when he bends his head.
kulap smells clean and he's warm and "it's... nice," he says. "you smell nice."
it's not a lie, but it's not enough, either. he can tell by the way kulap's eyes are wide in a way they have never been before. a drought strikes his mouth and it's difficult to swallow-- rejection is difficult to swallow. he tries not to shake noticeably but he's long since started to split at the seams and he's not sure why his reactions erupt out of proportion like this. he wishes he could stop it, wishes he could return to the awful nothingness instead.
the thoughts lurking in his head--you're losing interest in me and i can't stand it, please don't stop watching me, i do so much for you and now you never bother to look, i hate you for looking away--overlay one another until the easiest thing to do is pick a few from the fray and fire them in kulap's direction and hope they sting.
and then, like pressing the wax seal on an envelope composed of byungchul's words, he presses forward with intent. he needs kulap to make him feel like he's enough, and he knows--from the way he's seen kulap stare, the way kulap escapes to shower the guilt from himself--that kulap wants this too.
kulap's head smacks the wall and it sounds like it hurts and byungchul crashes back into his body, as if he hasn't been occupying it for-- who knows how long? his mind belatedly processes his actions, and he is horrified with what he's done-- and what he was about to do.
he rips himself away from kulap, staggering backwards and stammering, "i don't know why i did that, i'm sorry, i--" he stops himself, and when he tries to speak again, he only gets as far as, "please..."
please don't hate me, please don't stop looking at me, please don't let this be all we've ever had between us, please.
the last time they spoke, kulap ran away, but it wasn't from him. he does nothing but watch, unblinking, as kulap makes his escape. when he's out of range, the tears prickling in his eyes finally spill down his face, and he slams his fist into the nearest wall. the pain doesn't register, and he hopes that that's a sign he's going to stop feeling everything again soon.
birthdays never felt like much of anything in byungchul's family. there were always so many kids running around--cousins and nieces and nephews and all of their friends parading through like they lived there, too--that no singular child got special treatment, even when they became another year older. according to byungchul's mother, celebration was just another form of exclusion.
it didn't help that his birthday landed on sinjeong, because his family made it clear that the new year clearly took precedence. he used to hate everything about it: staying up until midnight, the fireworks, watching his parents drink champagne and toast the calendar changing. but the older he got, the more he started to understand why one might drink to another year being wasted away. instead of getting existential and blackout drunk two days a year, he could do both on january first, and this made him appreciate the holidays a little more.
his first birthday with the rebels, he hadn't expected anything from anyone, but the managers cut practice hours short, and his group members surprised him with a cake. it was still overwhelming to think about the hundreds of fans tweeting his name. he had locked himself in the bathroom and cried until he couldn't cry anymore, just from seeing his name show up in the popular search results: happy byungchul day!
as much as he loved the attention, when it came to his birthday, he never knew what to do with it. felt guilty, even, for wanting gifts and praise when january rolled around, because he could still hear his mother and father, lecturing about selfishness, and the importance of thinking about others who shared the day and had less to be thankful for.
he figures it's more than ridiculous to let those sentiments affect him so badly, but even still, he finds himself celebrating the countdown to his birthday more than the actual day of.
kulap meets him outside, on the balcony of the rebels dorm, ten minutes to 2017. byungchul's mouth is still burning from where kulap kissed him on christmas, and he can tell by the way kulap's eyelashes are fluttering and the dainty way he's positioned himself against the patio railing that he expects byungchul to kiss him again tonight. kulap's always been so easy to read, and byungchul is sure that he's a book, just as open; he would honestly be surprised if kulap didn't know byungchul would give him everything he wants.
the lingering heat in byungchul's mouth is swallowed up, stolen and devoured, spun cold by kulap's touch. so many storeys high and away from the street, and most of the rebels hometown-bound or out, neither are afraid of getting caught. this allows them to lean into each other and grasp at clothes without care, but byungchul pulls away. nowadays, he's constantly pulling away. he can't keep this up in good conscience.
kulap doesn't seem to notice that byungchul is pulling away for reasons other than catching his breath, because he leans in close again. byungchul lets him, and then he's swept away again, clutching at kulap and kissing fervently. kulap feels like bubbles and alcohol, and byungchul could get drunk off him and nothing more.
"i know it's not ever going to be like it used to be," kulap's saying, and it takes byungchul a second to recalibrate; he's still winded from their kiss and struggling to process anything, "but i never want anyone else to be my first kiss of the year. only… you."
byungchul wants to cry or leap off the side of the balcony or worse. he moves his hand between them, forcing kulap to take the tiniest of steps backwards. the ring on his hand is glittering, and of course kulap notices it.
"what is that?"
byungchul rakes his hands over his face, unsure of what to say at first. he's tempted to claw his eyeballs out to avoid answering the question. he restrains himself--just barely--and shoves his hands into his pockets. "a gift."
"from who?"
"myself," byungchul snaps, and kulap winces. byungchul reflexively apologizes at the sight. he's successfully ruined the moment, though. and an apology won't get it back.
"happy birthday," kulap says, barely above a whisper. he leans onto his tiptoes to kiss byungchul's cheek, and byungchul catches him before he leaves, spinning him back around.
"new year," byungchul corrects, like it isn't his birthday. he doesn't want it to be.
"happy new year, then," kulap amends. he frowns, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth and byungchul's tempted to say it's on purpose. "will you come back to our room? even if it's just for tonight?"
byungchul wants to say no, but he finds himself kissing kulap again--and again--and again--and that's enough of an answer for the both of them.
