#diar-e

[repldemiurge]

oh shit today is six months

idk i don't have a whole lot to say for a change. being a woman is cool

[repldemiurge]

pride was about forgiveness this year

i spent all month working to get over myself and engage with my past and future selves in a way without shame, without anger, without self-flagellation. this is the most significant period of change and importance in my life in quite some time, and it's been hard to not beat myself up for taking the time that i took to get here.

so instead of "why not then" i've been thinking "do it for her"

Do it for March 2013. For the first time you really knew. (Love the trash can. S/o to the old anime club room)

Do it for June 2010. Everyone was so nice that you got a "mature" haircut but you were so so so scared that you were gonna be a "man" soon (also the house looks like The Backrooms here?)

Do it for future Rachel - who in a couple years is prooooobably gonna have a really awkward thanksgiving.

--------------

Do it for July 2013. This was originally posted with "Look at how cute she is :3" #guitar babe

Definitely do it for August 2015. She was so nervous and hated how she looked SO much that she couldn't take a single photo for years without screwing up her face in every direction possible

Do it for future Rachel who's hit the point where she doesn't have to think about this every day

-------------------------

Do it for July 2011. After all, it wasn't all bad. People have always cared about you. And you still smiled a lot

Do it for June 2015, who, much to her chagrin, finally ended up having some chin fuzz. Between that and the super long hair, she just leaned into the metalhead thing for a long while. That kinda worked. (Also your thumb makes it look like you have a giant trogdor arm lmao)

Do it for February 2020. She needed help.

Do it for July 2018. You have to do it for July 2018. You have to hold July 2018 forever and say that it's going to be okay. That when your perfect lover asks you if you're their girlfriend. And you lie. and you fail. And you just sob and cry and weep. It's going to be okay. She was so close. She was so so so close

Do it for future Rachel on her deathbed. Surrounded by all her loves and precious memories. She made it.

----------------------------------

Do it for September 2021. She'd given up. Just tried to bury everything. At least you looked REALLY good in this photo. Like everything else aside you look HOT here. Still *wrong*, but damn it's a good pic

and of course. Do it for her. Day 1. All the anticipation and anxiety building to this one moment. (I'm always gonna have to hold the first day of HRT stache, but I think I can look back and laugh at this one)

No more wailing. No more wondering if there was anything worth looking forward to. No more beating yourself up for what you weren't able to do. All these ghosts thank you. And you have to thank them for making you, here, now. 3 Months today.

[repldemiurge]

Four months.

The honeymoon period feels like it's over - and July was kinda teh suckz0rs in general. Not even related to gender stuff, it was just a kinda bleh month. I couldn't really see or feel any physical differences since the end of June, which is frustrating. That's not to say I'm having regrets or second thoughts, God no. Just that HRT has become daily life I guess.

Meanwhile, I've been having this nagging feeling of a catch-22 where I'm kinda stuck between:

A) Feeling like I'm not even a human being anymore - just a tgirl, and whatever aspects of me that are outside of my gender are difficult to express, or feel hard to engage people with. (Didn't fucking Halimede make a good post about this???)

B) Being myself obsessed with my gender presentation, in no small part because I relish the attention and support that I get for talking about my gender

I think this is a pretty fake problem outside of my head, but it does leave me stuck where I want to just bombard people with talking about being a girl, because I'm socially rewarded for it, but also feeling awkward that I have nothing to provide to my relationships besides being a girl.

This probably speaks more to more general social issues I have, and the desperation, hell, borderline obsession,,, I tend to approach friendships with. I still have a lot of self-image problems with feeling like I'm too intense, come on way too strong, and impatiently overcommit. I feel so, creepy all the time. I'd avoided this issue for the previous couple years by just...not really having friends? To no surprise, having friends is universally better, but I wonder how capable I am of being friends outside of only. Being trans at people.

But ahhhhh I like being trans at people! And people are very nice and positive to me when I am! And heaven knows I'm addicted to hearing about other people talk about being trans!

A very tense situation.

It's all exacerbated by me breaking my longstanding "no net only friendships" rule, but I've met some like. Miracles of people this year, so. No putting that genie back in the bottle.

Good news is I at least have gotten better about being someone who messages first. Folks seem to dream about people like that, so I can internalize that fantasy I suppose. And I've gotten more comfortable with different people's responses to it. Some people take my message toy and are very playful and conversational, I just have to get the ball rolling. Others take it and just slow blink at me, but I think it's still appreciated. These are both fine and good.

This doesn't really feel like it has anything to do with HRT anymore I've kinda lost the plot. Oh well. Classes start up again at the end of August so hopefully that structure will help me organize my time a little bit better, when compared to this incorporeal July

[repldemiurge]

Two months today

[repldemiurge]

End of month 5~ (minor nsfw I suppose)

August was materially better than July. It felt like less shit went wrong, I was less stressed, and especially post big mid-month deadline work has been very manageable, but God I was depressed. It's almost worse when you're well aware that you feel like shit for "no good reason". I feel like I kinda neglected my friends, which in turn didn't make me feel any better which, etc etc.

But starting teaching again has been a good mental reset and my mood has been really good for a few days. Hope that keeps up!

I know a big big part of it has been dysphoria which has been crushing. It was honestly worse this month than any of the previous. I know it's just because I see the good changes, and they're wonderful and amazing, but I think it makes all The Issues™® stand out in ways that really really hurt. Whatever. Trust the process. The better I take care of myself the better I feel. Shrug.

Focusing on the good, my skin is clearer, my hair is softer, my hands are softer, and just everything about my figure feels, gentler? And yeah, most excitingly I think I have slightly more ass, and my tits have only gotten a little bigger, but definitely more shaped and like. Defined. Like when I see myself topless it's like "oh those are *tits*". It's really nice to lay on my side and see them actually hang just a little with some weight.

Happy to finally answer a longtime thought I've had of - yes, having boobs ab-so-lutely makes me like "damn I wanna take some titty pics this is awesome".

The biggest mental change has been that I absolutely *feel* like a woman basically all the time now, to the point that when I have to act/present more masculinely for whatever reason, it feels disorienting and fake now. Despite 2012 probably being the last year I would've answered "are you a man?" with "yes", it was always a part I could play without any serious discomfort or awkwardness. Now I feel confused and frustrated. Which I guess is a good thing, but it is a new thing.

Otherwise, I guess it's on to month six, and then a hopeful dosage increase again 💋

[repldemiurge]

Three months. Yay!

Finally feel like my face shape is a little different. My hair getting close to shoulder length again is nice too. Also finally having juuuuust enough boob that I can touch and be like "ehehe I'm touching my boobs" is pretty fantastic

Just gotta keep truckin'