i feel like this whole year so far has been spent mourning. mourning myself, my family, my friends. people who have passed on and people who have simply moved away and become different people. people who are here but not here, friendships and relationships that are walking corpses of what they once were. there is so much looking back and then looking at what exists now in front of me and mourning what was lost in between.
i am sad, i am sad, i think i have not stopped carrying this sadness for months and i do not know what to do with it. always i am just carrying it everywhere yet never looking it in the eye, too afraid to acknowledge the weight of it because if i do then suddenly i can't keep running, let alone walk. but now it's 1am and i lie alone in my dark room and i stare down my sadness in its eyes and now what. now it sits on me and i can't even cry.
escapism is always the answer until you can't escape and you're just stuck and god now what.
now nothing. just more moving forward. more living and more surviving. for now there are words to make sense of what hurts, to mould the grief into something tangible, but after that come morning it's just another day. maybe there's solace in that, i don't know.