#diary2

[hearnest]

april 2024

falling asleep on a couch in a hi rise

falling asleep on a couch in a suburban house all the curtains drawn

4/13 - silver/blue/late godard/boredom/self less/running

silverblue nothing

9AM lunch break overcast so I went to the hot tub to read Balzac fairy tales with landscapes like my dreams lately

the sun came out and it got so bright I couldn’t look at the pages anymore

then a storm cloud rolled in it rained for five minutes I hid in the water

then bright again blinding and silent

a crow cawed

I sat up and bit my arm gently

[rightaid]

Does anybody know how to stop feeling everybody secretly hates you? And anybody being nice to you is just being polite?

[jollydad]

i‘m in love and i want to cry from happiness every day. today i thought: being happy in a lesbian relationship makes me realize how much society instilled the belief in me that gay relationships just don‘t work and that you just can‘t be happy if you try to pursue them, and how after all these years of complicated dating i caved resisting that belief. how i felt that it just can‘t work out for me. and now i have it, now it‘s right in front of me, no voice inside of me expected it, it just fell into my lap... and i feel i really have to be present and do my fucking best, yknow?

[jollydad]

i wrote d a poem a few days ago abt my feelings 4 her and she didn‘t react to it so i felt a bit ignored, but today she sent me a poem in similar formatting which if i‘m not completely misinterpreting is about missing me so i‘m fucking ecstatic!!!! what a beautiful poem and what a beautiful act of opening up to me. i hope i reacted in an appropriate way...

it completely turned my anxious shit mood (anxious abt us) around. but i‘m quite a bit annoyed that my feelings for (1) person albeit a really truly special being can make or break my headspace like that. the insanity is not fun. i still feel like there isn‘t enough clarity between us though...but i don‘t know what questions to ask to clear things up dksskaksks i dont wanna *think* and analyse i just want things to work organically so i might put my chips on the universe to work it out

[s1llyangel]

060219 - 9:49 AM

Hello, good morning!

I wrote a diary entry technically on the same day, but I just felt like popping back in for a second entry hehe

So far, my day has been okay. I wasn't late to the car for church, so that's good.

I don't really know why I still go to church, maybe it's because of my family who are all devout christians

I don't hate christianity, but I don't exactly agree with all of it's values at the same time.

Well anyway, I dont really have anything else to say, so I hope everyone who sees this has a great day!

~morihera

[ekowijayantoe-blog]

2

Im feeling lost right now

Sort of empty

Dont feeling anything

I dont care anymore

I dont care about anything or anyone

Friends, Myself, People here, My Parents

I need everything to stop

People, Life

EVERYTHING!!!

[jollydad]

hello i saw stefan today and we smooooooched

[jollydad]

i still wonder about my sexuality but i‘ve come to a bit of a conclusion for the moment. i currently think a lot of my repulsion for men grew from my many negative experiences with hetero sex + my growing feminist understanding rather than homosexuality. additionally, i think some of it came straight from my own insecurities and communicative negativity. the more i work through those, the more amicable i feel towards individual men. nonetheless, my attraction to women remains immense. time will tell if my peace with the male sex will help grow my...dare i say it again...bisexuality