#did log

[bellwitchfaggot]

Literally imagining a dude is never a safe activity if you have did. It is never ever ok to rotate a guy in your head for fun with did. You never know when that dudes gonna actually just turn out to be for real haunting your brain

[bellwitchfaggot]

Life irl is genuinely so good rn I am doing so well and I feel like I dont really talk to anyone on here or in discord servers anymore or at least not as much as I used to so if we r online friends in any capacity pls know im doing so well and I love you and miss talking to you I've just been unbelievably busy my job is going so so well I like basically all my coworkers and I'm quickly becoming closer friends with several of them and we are starting to more seriously work on band stuff now that zero is here and me cherry zero and milo are going to start really looking for our own place this week AND I HAVE A WEED CARD NOW. I dont drink OR smoke nearly as much as I used to I usually really only do it socially these days and I have a much easier time cutting myself off etc etc. I have started smoking a TON of cigarettes but tbh several cigs a day on average still feels like a small price to pay for the turn my life and recovery has taken

[bellwitchfaggot]

"Vulnerability and intimacy is scary and unsafe" --dude who was only ever exposed to forced vulnerability and intimacy for the first 20 years of his life and doesn't yet realize that thsts not the same as being shown those things in a healthy, boundary respecting, affirming way

[bellwitchfaggot]

Did recovery/re integration process continues to be the most taxing and difficult experience of my life every time I feel like im starting to make observable progress I end up starting to unrepress more things and there's just layers and layers and layers to the trauma and it just truly feels unending like there will never be another side and it will continue to just go deeper and deeper and at this point it truly feels as though the dissociation is just getting worse by the day and I am aware that like its less that thats the case and more that im becoming more aware of the dissociation and like internal experience of having such a fragmented and dissociated state of cognition so really its a good thing because it shows that--(stopped being able to follow this train of thought at this point as it began to lead to a thought spiral/memory which would have undoubtedly resulted in me remembering whatever it is certain parts of me are needing to repress in order for me to be able to function at the moment, which is at this point in my life and the amount of active dissociation required in my day to day to allow me to function something that literally happens frequently throughout the day)

Anyway the biggest thing I've found that helps put some of the general paranoia surrounding not being in total control of my own brain and body etc and frequent anxiety surrounding feeling like im literally living in a psychological horror film and/or being actively possessed is to try to maintain a level of trust in myself and my system and believe that even if I dont understand like what in the fuck is happening at any given moment the like , internal masterminds or whatever the fuck do like know what they're doing and are like running a pretty tight ship so im probably not gonna make any like super huge or drastic mistakes at this point and when I like have these moments of like feeling like I have no idea whats going on and like I dont know like who I am or where I am or like I dont remember anything thats ever happened to me etc etc and im just like sleepwalking through life like. That's not actually me All The Time, i do a lot of things I do function as an adult decently enough wjen necessary and I have friends who are understanding and offer their unconditional support who I see pretty frequently . It just Feels like thats actually me All The Time cuz I have dissociative amnesia so in those moments I dont actually have like cognitive access to those memories and that knowledge and shit, but I Do know it Does still exist

[bellwitchfaggot]

I had my second ever like full physical sensation (including pain), auditory, cognitive, and emotional flashback that I can recall experiencing earlier (like, FULLY 100% reliving the actual immediate sensation of the traumatic experience all connected and aware of like what exactly was happening in my head and I gotta say. Probably one of the worst experiences in yhe entire world and I understand why I had to cope with it in the past by falling into full acute paranoid delusions rather processing it as the result of real life trauma ive experienced . The things I know about myself now. Like. Im barely fucking dealing at this point in my life I literally understand how the experience of sort of organically starting to process certain things in the past periodically for so long resulted in absolute insane person behavior and eventual recompartmentalizing of all of it, over and over again, for basically the past decade at Least. Im currently in an exhibiting absolute insane person behavior era but this is the first time I spend probably the majority of my time like actually aware and able to connect the pieces for the most part and like connected enough to my past experiences to recognize patterns of behavior and like connect and understand them all at a higher level so. Cautiously hopeful that maybe this time instead of recompartmentalizing everything and accidentally finding myself in the same retraumatizing patterns forever without understanding how I got there or what I need to do to get out of them, I will actually be able to retain like a level of context about my life and experiences to continue making the decisions necessary to really start to finally remove myself from those patterns.

I am still finding myself exhibiting trauma behaviors I cant explain a lot of the time (like... I was supposed to start my job today and instead I literally blacked out for hours and had one of the most severe dissociative episodes ive had in a very long time) but there is an observable difference in how I am reacting to those behaviors and like reducing the harm they may cause my day to day life and goals (finally figured out how to voice my needs to my partner so they could help me understand and process what was happening, finally met myself wjere I was at with grace and compassion so instead of literally ghosting yhe job and having to restart the whole process like I have in the past in a situation like this I ended up contacting my manager and explaining there was an emergency and I still totally have my job, and I also like finally made the step to get in contact with a new therapist who works specifically with trauma processing and integration efforts)

[bellwitchfaggot]

Girl come on we are breaking down our own internalized ableism and treating ourselves with compassion for once and in doing so finally unlocking the key to unlearning toxic shit and feeling more secure in our relationships

[bellwitchfaggot]

Wrt dissociative amnesia + social burnout (/due to social burnout) while trying to minimize burnout, finding a happy medium between processing when I've hung out w the bros n comrades, when I've been to work, etc at home while alone enough to like. KNOW I have friends and partners and a career and a social life, and not accidentally just experiencing that social burnout further due to the lucidity of the seizured processing is difficult and important and something I am better at now than I used to be. I think something that helps a lot is letting go of a fixation wrt intentional proactive integrative processing of rumination being an unhelpful or unhealthy dissociative tactic but there has to be a sweet spot when you experience re-burnout due to having intentional flashbacks to integrate the knowledge of your life outside of your alone-at-home self where you can ground and rerepress/mask the intentional flashbacks to know you aren't just perpetually Out With Friends. Something abt like. Having parts which hold the full eidetic data of being out and functional in a social dynamic when you experience social burnout contributing to chronic illness because those parts never get a full break or like. Get to be At Home Alone to the same extent

[girl-testosterone]

hmm. okay my social work course is coming up and. my physical health has been on a rapid decline in the last 6 months and i can barely leave the house without almost passing out/being in constant pain and i don't know if studying would be.. the best idea rn? im going insane with nothing to do but there are so many factors to making this decision and so many of them rely on healthcare magically going my way/helping me for once, which is extremely unlikely. physical pain combined with the amount of amnesia and just. general memory loss i've been experiencing makes studying seem like a worse and worse option at the moment and im so tired of chronic pain and ptsd stopping me from having a normal life and doing things i enjoy.

anyway rip i guess. waiting on an appointment with a doctor to talk about my legs on the 31st ':)