#die-ry

[noir-creature]

[sayonara, baka na hito]

“あなたはいつも前だけ見てた 私はというと、そんなあなたを見てた”  • Feelings, are something invisible. Ironically, if you are clumsy at hiding them, sooner or later they will all be exposed. • Human beings, are ridiculously predictable. Don't believe me? Let me tell you one example. There will be times when your mind is occupied by images of another homo sapien. Your thoughts and feelings will start piling up. Your imagination and expectations will then run wild. After that, your expressions and behaviors will become unnatural, if it’s not weird, when you guys are within a 5m radius from each other.  • The person either will leave you breathless, or suffocated.  • Bad things happen to you when you decide to keep every damn thing one-sided. Apparently, it is not easy to stable a warm heart and a cool head. As your feelings grow stronger (mostly because of your imagination and assumptions toward that person), all of the things running in your head will start to consume you. And it pains you when the person doesn't even know about this. Or worse, they know (because you have been clumsy), and decide to do nothing about it. The moment you realize your feelings are no way will be returned, all the fantasy can become misery real quick.   • “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional” It is hard to suppress feelings. Extremely hard, because it is human nature. Be it happiness, sappiness, sentiment, or resentment. Therefore, about this pathetic misery, I’m telling you, you have to make every effort to find ways to kill it. Whatever works for you, kill your feelings, kill your darlings, whatsoever works. You have to, if you want to get out of this with somewhat-decent damage control.  • “さよならバカな人”

[noir-creature]

[to feel or not to feel]

Seem like I will never be able to justify my feelings  It truly is a roller coaster ride, a mixture of emotions that contradict themselves, a messed up representation of yin yang  • Whenever I feel content and it happens to elongate, I suddenly will be hit with utter bleakness. I don’t know how and when the invisible switch turns on and off. Because I can’t make sense of it, I can’t stop it. Whenever my mood drops, I find myself having no choice but to obey and react to it • “Ridiculously distasteful and pathetic” would be the best description of my state of mind  ... --- ...

[noir-creature]

[a desolate generation]

There will be no one, absolutely no one, who can understand the black hole that’s swallowing me from the inside. Even I can’t understand why either.

•

It’s the strange society we are living in that makes us like this. When everyone is too caught up in building their own happiness, genuine connections become a luxury. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the 21st century, and empathy is the most expensive thing on the market. Do you have the same feeling as I do, when you are always surrounded with people but still feel so alone?

•

I used to often wonder, would there be a day we found each other. You and I could comfortably talk about our solitude. We would fill each other up with our own emptiness. Then we would feel safe, so safe that one day, it would no longer bother us. I used to think that if you do exist, we could be able to recognize each other right away.

•

Pffft, then I grew up, and grew out of it. If you do exist, then we have been waiting for each other for too long. It’s already time to give up.

•  

“It’s not okay, but it is what it is”

[noir-creature]

is it weird that happy stories with happy ending tend to make me sad? what’s wrong with me?

[noir-creature]

[sadnecessary]

5 years ago, I kept a memento from that person. A random thing, just like many other random things that I have been collecting to remind myself of special moments. 5 years ago, we were sophomores. We went to the same class for the first (and only) time. Funny that we knew each other 2 years before that, but kept passing through each other at short moments where a “hi” would come with a “bye”.

•

Somehow, we ended up in that class. He would whine with me whenever assignments were due; and we would stay long hours in the library working on those together. Being the coward I was, I tried to suppress the feelings that constantly welled up, kept my mouth shut and stuck my eyes to the screen when we were right beside each other. He, on the other hand, casually blurted out things like “it’s because you are here that I could make it through”, “it’s your privilege”, “you are the best”… Those stuffs also casually pierced through me, leaving holes that stayed for years after. The more he came forward, the more I stepped back to my shell. In the end, after that semester, we parted ways. Wait, I lied, we still keep in touch here and there. Nothing changed much from my end - I’m still a gigantic coward.

•

I keep telling myself, I am such a miserable human being that whoever gets too close to me would be left with nothing but unhappiness. That, would be the last thing I would want to do to anyone. Besides, even if one day I am able to gather enough will power to show my feelings to a person, I don't know what would happen to me. It’s like when you are in the dark room for so long you no longer keep track of time, and suddenly decided to step out to the sun. Will I burn or will I shine? I honestly don't know. Because of this, even though I would appreciate a hand trying to pull me out of this, I would rather keep a certain distance that can guarantee everyone is safe from my own disappointing thoughts.

[aspartame-bones]

02/08

Two weeks have passed since I arrived here: Norway And I guess I don't like live here. Everything is too expensive, food is hing in calories, people are weird and I miss my motherland... *cries*

[askgrylos]

☱

Dear Die-ry,

Why do I not talk to Misu more?  The other day I asked her for some advice on the Void, and she absolutely delivered.  She’s such a strange entity, just the kind I like to keep in my company.  I really ought to do something nice for her one of these days, perhaps I’ll bring her a gift.  I bet she’d appreciate the intricate flavors of pig-man.  She’s always hungry.

[askgrylos]

☱

Dear Die-ry,

So, lately this anthropomorphic pig-man has been riding me about some comment I made to him in passing.  I didn’t think anything of it, but apparently he was very offended.  It’s not my fault this guy looks like a delicious porkchop.  Is that speciesist of me?  I always thought I was relatively open minded in comparison to the rest of the trogs on this planet, even in my tribe, but now I’m not so sure.  All I can think about when he talks at me is getting myself a big plate of applewood smoked bacon.  Mmm…Bacon.