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...also, massive shoutout to my recent-past n current partners n besties for, like, helping me Process some fucking, Guilt around kinlationships

it’s still kind of, embarrassing to think about or write about, but, it helped so much, to get to... express guilt, for shit not-this-reality, and be given room to wrestle with it and have it engaged with as real and sense-making

and with the, glitchy iterationy stuff about “well maybe i’d’ve done this and this different from canon, but, i feel that *capacity,* and it feels *like* i did or coulda done it, and i feel guilty for that”

it’s, like sideways-approaching trauma, yknow; i still can’t entirely... look at some of the things i this-life-this-reality regret and, figure out atonement or. but i... kind of got to figure out a model for, being sorry to someone i’ll never have a proper chance to apologize to, yknow? and for, separating out “understandable reasons why acted such-and-such way” from “was still shit to act like that”

processing and healing and. chances to wrestle with responsibility, accountability, in ways that were more accessible

#fictionkin bloggin #dirk bloggin #because u Kno this was primarily dirkguilt at literally every character possible meaning ‘maybe not jade i guess’#........au where dirk ids as kin with some character from a story and uses that to process his guilt sghdbgghl fuck

the tags on that thing about dirk are a mood

RIGHT? THANK YOU. how do we network. team “aUGHGHGHhghghgh sexuality is complicated actually let dirk be queer” or smth

#we are instantly put on a list of Villainous Villains that is broadcast across the tags #homestuck bloggin #dirk bloggin

also i canNot stop listening to “i wanna be yours” and it, truly is, the dirkjohn song

i wanna be your setting lotion (i wanna be) hold your hair in deep devotion (how deep?) at least as deep as the pacific ocean

#as well as dirk in General t b h #the Fucking pacific ocean line #callout @yessie and jordan you did this to me #lyrics bloggin #dirk bloggin #dirkjohn #also still...dying over the vacuum line and. Sucks At Things

@conniedeer mentioned dirk making this face and

#having the magic wand feature changes Everything #anyway. a grump #peridot bloggin #dirk bloggin

#music bloggin #dirk bloggin #loud noise for the obnoxious beginning logo

me: wow i want to tell this person i appreciate them

me: oh but i can’t make it about how they’re good for/to me, that implies i only value them for their actions that benefit me

me: okay so i can only tell them i appreciate their innate qualities

me: except that implies i only value them as long as they don’t change

me: so i can non-manipulatively tell them, that

me:

me: nothing. tell them nothing

#dirk bloggin #Every. Time #also i should Only say it when i Feel it 10000% or else it is faking and bad #but those times are usually because of making me happy and therefore selfish and repeat

okay it is probably counter-productive to just keep saying “but i don’t want to care about that” to myself, so

argghhhhhhhhh

yk i wish there was? more dirk crocker stuff. seeing as there’s like, a single dirk egbert thing. (why no cross-alpha-beta kidswaps, i ask you)

but kidswaps are like. really intriguing as a way of exploring the differences of context and nurture. i feel like they could be wielded into a really affirming and transformative commentary on identity and kinhood

and it’s terribly frustrating how i keep ruminating circling around. “if i had to pin down a more specific sort of--” no self no. what does it matter if i’m closer (““closer””) to game-over dirk (and thereby “trading”/“giving up” the strider conversation?), or to a dirk egbert, or whatevvvver

aren’t the facts still the same. aren’t i still weirdly emotional about glitchdeath, about self as glitch, about universe boundaries. aren’t i still not a perfect clicking fit. honestly how could i ever cram my upbringing/religious trauma shit into this.

aren’t i still terrified of being callous and cruel and indifferent and untouched when i let my guard down, whether i frame that as john-like or bro-like or other? aren’t i still wrestling always with notions of evil and of responsibility, whether i narrate that through john’s relationship with vriska or dirk’s with himself?

but oh, overarching narrative and imperfect metaphor, how i want to tweak and polish, as if i could somehow write all of me(/the me’s i’ve been) into a readily recognizable form

and at what point am i just equivocating as a means of, disclaimer, of “haha well i’m not really claiming to be, this character, fully, not without like adding in some other stuff, blending,” when en fait this is still the best metaphor-truth i’ve found -- but oh how subjective and interpreted and projected and differing by reader --

i don’t know. i can trace (did, through my tags, hah) how far back these threads reach, can claim some stability over time. can point to people who’ve just nodded like “oh yeah makes sense.” can also point to when people’ve been confused or unconvinced.

what do i do with this. the perhaps easier way is to use the sort of, level-ranking of intensity of fictionflickers/resonances? put john over with peridot and houka and shiro and so on. but then i’m left staring at Versions of dirk, and even when i say “fucking! come on! there’re so many splinters already anyway just!” my shit brain still wants to Narrow Down some kind of. Primary Claim to. which experiences i’m... aligning myself with?? (and even when i slap myself with “metaself you dipshit” it Persists)

iunno iunno. guess i’m in the staring-too-intensely-direct-at-this-brain-identity-thing phase again. can’t wait to go back to throws-up-hands phase

edit: oh duhhh also the whole fucking. john and rewriting/fucking w reality and glitching. arghh

#kin bloggin #dirk bloggin #connieeeeee.......#john bloggin

facepalms really hard. oh my god y’all. dirk’s gem would be a band of his neck

#y'all. fuck #dirk bloggin